Lovelife090994
May 4th, 2015, 12:47 AM
I feel like three people in one. I always think in a feminine voice, and I have three alter-egos or personas. My main self is the calm, shy, INFJ type, but is very insecure and can't take much violence at all, but he's hurt, anxious, gentle, kind, yet intuitive. My second self is my feminine aspect, she never really died, she is the happiness, but also the emotional sides run amuck. She comes out whenever I am stressed or scared, but leaves when I need her most, when I am depressed and hopeless. My final aspect is less seen but more heard. He is harsh, nihilistic, cold, apathetic, lonely, hurt, in constant pain, questions his existence and life, and utterly has never knew love nor feels he can. The culmination is this, a person who is shy, scared, and infinitely alone. I feel so trapped in my current state, and I feel so useless with no self-esteem. True I have changed and am more loving and caring, but that doesn't mean I feel loved or cared for like I thought it would.
The pains of being split is a pain of rejection. Who would accept me this way? I'm emotional, my sexuality is a roller coaster, and I'm too sexual for asexual, and too asexual for sexual, too feminine for male, too male for totally queer. Confusion clouds my head, and I feel so weak and inadequate. Literally I am since I am so small, and I doubt I have any parts of me worth befriending. I don't know how much longer I can stay this bleak and lonely. I've never had love, and my own family is estranged to me. I am an affectionate (can be) person while my family stands mostly emotionless and involved in superciliousness. I guess I feel everywhere.
I should probably be used to the pain by now right? But I'm not. And lately I don't feel like I have any other emotion but sadness and apathy over empathy. My empathy compels me but not all of the time. It's sad and hard with all the challenges I face. I mean, some people never know their parents and some have none, but I have parents that I'm not close too; parents that don't accept me or know me, so it's as is I am orphaned. I just want to die to end the pain. Can't I talk to anyone?
The pains of being split is a pain of rejection. Who would accept me this way? I'm emotional, my sexuality is a roller coaster, and I'm too sexual for asexual, and too asexual for sexual, too feminine for male, too male for totally queer. Confusion clouds my head, and I feel so weak and inadequate. Literally I am since I am so small, and I doubt I have any parts of me worth befriending. I don't know how much longer I can stay this bleak and lonely. I've never had love, and my own family is estranged to me. I am an affectionate (can be) person while my family stands mostly emotionless and involved in superciliousness. I guess I feel everywhere.
I should probably be used to the pain by now right? But I'm not. And lately I don't feel like I have any other emotion but sadness and apathy over empathy. My empathy compels me but not all of the time. It's sad and hard with all the challenges I face. I mean, some people never know their parents and some have none, but I have parents that I'm not close too; parents that don't accept me or know me, so it's as is I am orphaned. I just want to die to end the pain. Can't I talk to anyone?