Now Im alone forever...

[Lottie]

I havent been here in ages, my current foster family dont like me bein online much. My life has been real complicated for ages and it all seems like too much to write down here but ill try a brief version. ive never really told anyone all this so its kinda hard. when i was little everythin was perfect, i lived with my mum and my twin brother who was also my best friend. My brother was killed in a car accident wen I was 11 and after things have just got worse and worse. my mum started drinking alot and didnt talk to me as much as she used to, i knew she was stuggling so i just accepted it. I met some older kids and started hanging with them and they introduced me to weed which helped a lot. i thought things were okayish until i did some stupid stuff and got arrested for arson (long story). Anyway I did 6 months and after that the social workers had reviewed my home and decided my mum was not able to look after me so since then Ive been in various foster homes. I guess I havent been easy to live with and i got expelled a while ago which didnt help. I hardly got to see my mum and as time went on the time we spent together was more and more strained, I tried to ignore it but it was hard and i neva seemed to be able to do anything about it. So npw I have found out that she is gone, she od'd on heroin which i didnt even know she was taking but i guess it kinda makes sense now and i just cant believe it. i always thought we would be ok and eventually we would live together again but now i feel like such an idiot for thinking that. i literally have nobody to turn to, I thought about all my options, running away, killing myslef but i honestly dont have enough energy to plan anything. Thanks for listening

[fiftycents]

YOU are not alone, a lot of people have their own struggles in life which is inevitable when living in this world. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. There are a lot of possibilities that can happen in your life.

I suggest you read this for your mum..

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die."
—Mary Elizabeth Frye

and reflect to this..

“I think about dying but I don't want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.” —Matty Healy

Pursue your dream, there is so much more to life than what you're feeling now.

Please just message me if you need to talk. I'll be here.

[Microcosm]

I can't say I understand your issue because I've never personally been in such a situation, but I think you should think about what you want your life to be and how you're gonna get there. Set some goals and plan out a practical way to cope with this. You could get into meditation. That's really helped me in the past. Maybe adopt a religious philosophy such as Buddhism (http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/5minbud.htm) to help you understand the world around you a little more clearly.

Hope I could help :)