I'm Fucking Lost & I Just...

[WanderingHeart]

So, I doubt anyone will bother to reply (much less read) my pathetic shit, so I at least want to get it out. If you bothered to read my other posts then you'll know my current situation. And that due to my parents I'm not allowed to get help.

I'm a mess.
Everything is hurting. I'm doing things I probably shouldn't be doing but I'm doing them anyway. Things at home aren't picking up at all. I'll be graduating the eighth grade soon, but high school is next. And high school will be much worse. More responsibilities, more pressure, etc etc. This summer doesn't even look like it'll be good. Everyone's going to be off doing summer things and I'll be at home dealing with family and internal issues.

I don't want to fucking do this. I really don't. Life seems hopeless and I don't even want to go on. I wish I would just drop dead right now, or fall asleep and never wake up. I'm a burden to everyone and everything. I hate myself, and people hate me. If I had the power to rip my heart out and crush it, believe me I WOULD.

Speaking of my heart it feels so empty. This feeling has been gnawing at me for two years now. I've dealt with this shit for about 5 of em. I want to die so badly, when I think of death all I can think of is relief. I just want to leave this place. So, so badly. I honestly think my only options are to run away or kill myself, or to somehow get myself out of here without doing those things but it's impossible. The pain never goes away...not even for a moment.

Nobody where I am understands. When I say suicide, they say religion. Yes, because telling me if I suicide I'm going to hell REALLY makes me feel better [sarcasm]. When I say something about LGBT (I'm not coming out...) They say religion. Maybe I'm just meant to go to hell (if there is one) I don't know. All I know is that I don't belong here. I need to be somewhere else...

Should I run away? Should I kill myself? I don't know, I'm fucking lost. You might say I should wait until I'm 18 to get out of there but my family will do whatever it takes to make sure I'm not happy. If I did leave my mom would probably have a major panic attack (yes, even if I'm of age) and I'd be guilted into coming back. I'm trapped and I'm lost. Right now my only two options are running away or killing myself. I doubt I'll kill myself for my best friend. I doubt I'll run away because I don't have money and all the things I need.

I'm in that time again where I need to do something about my life. I just want to get out of here and be happy again. I don't care if I do that by killing myself or whatever. Everything's bleak and bitter. Worthless. I don't even know what I'm trying to say, or what I'm trying to ask. Or what I'm going to do. Maybe I should just man up, I have no idea. I'm losing my mind.

I think what I'm just trying to say is...please...

Help me.

[WanderingHeart]

Please. I don't... I'm tired of faking my happiness. I don't have the means to kill myself no matter how badly I wanted to do it...and that makes me even more depressed.

[Tesserax]

Okay you listen up alright? You hear me right now. Do not under any circumstances give up. So far, you have mad it through every single bad day of your life, which is by your age far over 5000 by now I believe, so do NOT let one more day put you down. You've made it 5001, go for 5001. Then 5002. 5003. Live one day at a time.

As for your family all I can say is I'm sorry, but sometimes you have to learn to realise that people are fucking assholes. Just remind yourself, "It's not me, it's them". The way it looks, you are going through what I go through once every couple of months (somewhat bipolar, not confirmed), though definitely worse.

If you want, you can add me as a friend/contact. I try to come on this forum every day to see what's up, and I don't often post, but this time I feel it's worth it. I find that the best way to get relief is to rant to a friend who's listening. Tell them your problems, because the best people who will help you through life care enough to listen.

I'm straight, I'm christian, I'm right wing, but it doesn't mean that I think anybody from LGBT deserves to go to hell. To me, as long as you're not shoving a dick in my face or being weirdly sexual like that (which nobody should, it's wrong to do that in public or even to people who are uncomfortable with it), you're okay in my book. So just because your family or other people think it's wrong, doesn't mean it is okay? Hang in there for all of us will you? You're one of us, one of OUR family :)

Be strong, you say you can't, you say you don't want to, and I understand. But again, you've made it 5000 days already, you can make it 5000 more, and another 5000, and another and another. You'll live your whole life, I know it. If you ever feel again on the brink of suicide, or are about to commit the act, please think of me, think of this. Think to yourself "Don't do anything in the next 24 hours"

A friend of mine told me this when I was about to end it. She had to go, but before she did she said "Please don't do anything in the next 24 hours". Every time I felt like it and was about to, I thought of her and stopped myself. So think of us if you're about to do it, and remember okay?

You got this, one day you will be happy, just trust me, everything will get better eventually, it always does

[WanderingHeart]

I'm going to try. I'll try to live life one day at a time. I know it's going to be hard and I'm going to go way way down...But I'll try.

[Tesserax]

Just remember, you'll keep falling until you hit rock bottom, but once you're at rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up :)

[WanderingHeart]

That's actually true. I'll keep that in mind for the future :)

[fiftycents]

It's okay not to be okay, Sola. :)

"Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just … start.” —Ijeoma Umebinyuo

Just do you.

[WanderingHeart]

No, no. I can't...There's no way, I don't know what I was thinking before. I can't get better!

[Mil1dreded]

Yes you can killing yourself is not the right thing I'm not gonna quote religion etc at ya cos I'm an atheist and killing yourself isn't the answer high school might be better for a start I met some amazing people in secondary school as for what to do in the summer I don't know I'm usually in the same boat I just lark around normally it usually goes quick enough and I have 100 posts + so pm if you need to talk about anything at all and we'd all miss you here on VT so don't kill yourself it isn't worth it

[Uniquemind]

Start donating your time to other activities like charity work and things that will give you life skills.

Learn to computer program, make arts and crafts, and at times get more selfish?

You sound like a really nice person, but you seem a bit sensitive about what others think about you, or about how your actions will make others feel, hence why you are vulnerable to guilt trips.

Get a bit selfish and do things for you just because...you can.

[Microcosm]

Help me.

I definitely understand people shoving religion in your face. All of it is just bull crap that's only there just to keep you under control, because hey if you don't you'll surely go to hell.

You just do you. It sucks right now. Teenage life does tend to suck sometimes, even a lot of times. Hell it can suck all the time, but I think the trick is to find an output. That's one way. You can find a hobby and something you like to do and do that, but let me tell you the way that really helped me...
Give up. Not like commit suicide or anything, but just stop caring so much. You can just take refuge in your mind and stop caring what happens out of your mind. Meditate a LOT. Like, whenever you get the chance. Think deeply about not caring and just being alone for a while. It's helped me a lot to just be my own person in my own little realm of existence within my mind, so maybe it can help you too.

[WanderingHeart]

Mil1dreded I know killing myself isn't the answer...but right now I don't have many options, but I won't suicide because I don't have the means to. And also because of my best friend. As for high school if I do make friends it's not like I'll be allowed to see them outside of school. Plus, my parents hate Americans.

Uniquemind I'm not allowed to leave the house except for school or to visit family. And I can't go visit family whenever I want.

Rainbow Dash I could always try that, but then I get yelled at for not caring (my family cares too much about fucking image)

[Uniquemind]

Mil1dreded I know killing myself isn't the answer...but right now I don't have many options, but I won't suicide because I don't have the means to. And also because of my best friend. As for high school if I do make friends it's not like I'll be allowed to see them outside of school. Plus, my parents hate Americans.

Uniquemind I'm not allowed to leave the house except for school or to visit family. And I can't go visit family whenever I want.

Rainbow Dash I could always try that, but then I get yelled at for not caring (my family cares too much about fucking image)

I wonder if you have legal grounds to actually sue your parents for abuse in this case.

[WanderingHeart]

Do you know how much trouble I'd get in for that...and anyway, they're not abusive. They don't hit me or anything like that. Emotionally abusive, yes.

[Mil1dreded]

Have you tried telling them how unhappy you are and that there action are making you feel like your life isn't worth living that might give them the wake up call they need also emotional abuse is taken as seriously as physical I don't know about America but in Britain social services would of done something by now I presume there's an american equivalent

[WanderingHeart]

I've tried talking to my parents so many times. My doctor tried (before my parents stopped taking me there) my school counselor tried but at the same time made things worse. Everyone tried! My parents won't listen! It's all about their precious fucking image, not about whether I'm happy or not!

[Mil1dreded]

Is there any social services that could remove you from that environment if you wanted that

[WanderingHeart]

You have no idea how badly I want to get out of here but there's no way. My parents will lie and lie and basically make me look like the bad guy.

As always.

[Mil1dreded]

Well you need to tell them that your parents will make up anything to keep you there and you are deeply unhappy and your parents just do everything to silence you including misleading doctors social services everyone by telling them your just fine

[WanderingHeart]

There's no one I can tell that will do something about it.

[ImCoolBeans]

You may not realize this right now, but you're much closer to freedom than you think. You're only 14, but that is only 4 years away from being 18. At 18 you can do almost anything you want, and if your situation is not where you want it to be, you can actually do something about it. 4 years may seem like a long time, but it goes by in the blink of an eye, and a lot of maturing goes on in that time, which can also help your situation.

Don't give up before you even get a shot to live. Life up until the point where you are now is not exactly how the real world works, and in high school it really isn't either. Freedom is a great thing, and you're really not too far from it. Sometime you need to realize is that your life is not over -- it hasn't even really begun.

If your parents aren't letting you seek help, are they aware as to how you're really feeling? If not, could you try to convey that to them? If that doesn't work, most schools (in the U.S., where I see you're from) have school psychologists and counselors that would be willing to help you. Not everyone is aware that most schools have this, and they don't always get taken advantage of, but if you are willing to get help then I think you should at least give it a shot. Have you told your parents how the way you're being treated makes you feel? Whether you have or have not, try to do it in a more calm and collected manner, because coming out with guns blazing ready to fight will not get you very far, even if it is am emotionally touchy subject.

Killing yourself isn't an option, and would be extremely foolish. Your life is worth so much more than you value it as. If you could regret committing suicide I'm positive that you would because you are cutting yourself short of so much potential for the future. Out of every darkness must come light, even if you may not be able to see it at first. The future can be as bright as you want it to be, or make it, it's just a matter of getting there. Like I said before, you're not as far from freedom as you think you are.

When you're depressed you're not thinking rationally, and that tends to let you think the worst about your situation at all times, and look at life through a very negative lens. If you ever want to talk, PM me. Hope everything works out for you.

[WanderingHeart]

I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard to not do it. And I'm going to try even harder to get through these next 4 years.

My parents are hopeless...The only thing I can do is leave as soon as possible. One day far into the future when they see that none of their daughters are there for them, they'll realize the things they did wrong. I can't fucking wait for that day.

I want to try. Some days I want to try and some days I don't.

As for my school counselor, she can't really do anything about my home situation. All she does is go a tell my parents everything, whether its harmful or not, and that makes things worse. That's why I stopped telling her things. I don't think she's realized that she made everything worse, though. She's really dumb sometimes -_-.

I really want to thank everyone who replied to this, because I really need the help.Can we please just keep talking? I feel like it will stop me from doing anything dangerous to myself o,-o...

[fairmaiden]

I personally don't believe that someone who kills themselves goes to hell. Yes, people have been given life and shouldn't ever take it, however there were/are some really sad and destroyed people out there who believed that suicide was their only option. They weren't thinking straight, and life eventually got too much for them. I don't think that they'd go to hell at all. What religion do you belong to?

Anyway; even though I don't believe that victims of suicide go to hell; please please don't hurt/kill yourself! However cliché this may sound; life will get better. In a few years, you'll be done with school, and can move onto college/university. In the meantime, why don't you see if you can get a part-time job or go to an after school club? If you keep yourself busy, you'll stop thinking about all of things in your life that you think are going wrong. You can always listen to music as well! Lana Del Rey's songs are my personal favourite for when I feel a bit sad or upset. My Chemical Romance, Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce The Veil, Marina & The Diamonds, Bring me the Horizon; all of those bands/artists have great songs for times when you feel down and can really take your mind off things.

You can always talk to me if you ever feel down or want company :) <3 x Please stay strong and know that everything happens for a reason. You sometimes have to go through the bad to be able to experience the good things in life. I don't know why this happens, but it's life and that's how it works.

[WanderingHeart]

Let me just say it straight: I can't join a club, go out for a walk, etc etc what all the other teenagers do. I'm trapped here. I'm not allowed!

To be honest I don't even care anymore.

[Uniquemind]

Well let me just say I really enjoyed some of the other threads you started and you converse well.

We'd miss you here if you decided to leave us.

I do hope you hold on for 4 more years, in the mean time distract yourself by learning a puzzle or skill.

There are websites you can devote online time learning to computer program and code and you can pour yourself into that hobby just out of frustration, without your parents even knowing.

And when you emerge as an 18 year old, you'll have this amazing skillset that might land you a good paying job and you can get out of that house.

[WanderingHeart]

I'm literally just keeping myself alive, but I feel nothing anymore. All I have are my friends to keep me company, and only I can see them. I'm trapped in here and you guys are saying how once I'm 18 I can leave. But I can't. My parents will guilt be into staying. Its a long story that I probably can't explain, but let's just say I have 4 sisters, 17, 18, 20 (almost 21) and 21 (almost 22) who aren't exactly happy with their lives because of my parents.

The point is, I can't wait another four years. I have to get out, someway somehow. I wish there was a safer way to be able to get away from these people.

[orangegasm]

I was in your same situation a year ago. The exact same thing. Except it wasn't with my parents. It was a different kind of depression. Anyways, let me tell you something. Your parents are pricks; Not gonna sugarcoat it. They are pricks. Yes, some parents are strict, but your parents are just too overprotective... I'm pretty sure we can both agree on that and that it is a general fact. Let me ask you something just for later reference. Have you ever talked to your parents about it? Like at all? If so, what have they done? I'm going to assume that they did and they completely avoided what you had to say. I can't exactly make this a therapy session as I'm not a therapist. However, I can say that if your parents are doing this to you, and are making you this depressed, and you have talked to them but they don't listen, you can arrange a meeting with some social services people and get a court date. I know that sounds a little extreme but as you said, "You are keeping yourself alive". Now with this, there are definitely negative repercussions, as in protective custody and foster care and things that can definitely have variables that you probably don't want. My question to you is, Do you want to wait 4 more years and be free from your parents? Or do you want to go to social services and possibly ruin lives on both ends? It all depends on how severe it is and by the sound of it, it sounds really bad.

[WanderingHeart]

Yes I would agree with what you have to say about my parents. And like I said I've tried so many times.

And here's the thing about when I turn 18: I'm still not free. I'm going to be guilted, emotionally held back from leaving.
I'm not allowed to move out unless I get married to a guy my parents want.

There's no way I could possibly get social services in it. Also, you just said it ruins lives on both ends.

I just want to get out of here. I know I can't wait four years because I know if I just wait I will do something to myself.

[AdamSmith]

Hi PartyPoison

I am in a very similar place myself, so I dont know if I can be any help. But I read your posts and it made me sad to think that people like you are suffering like that at such a young age.

I am 6 months into my 18th year on this earth , and I am struggling with the same issue. I feel like I cant cope with anything and since I took a full time job with lots of responsibility (Felt I had to , based on financial security) I cant ever relax or stop worrying about anything.

I understand how you feel restricted in your current position, so all I can recommend is do that makes you happy!

Even if that may include things you might get in trouble for, or things that are bad for you. When you're at the point where life doesnt seem like its worth living, sometimes the only way you can keep going is to do everything you enjoy and dont care what people think. Whether that is watching TV all day, eating lots of chocolate, going out with friends or just on your own. That may seem like a dumb idea given the gravity of the situation, but trust me when I say its much worse to just give up and go along with what makes you unhappy, just because its what other people want.

[WanderingHeart]

Hi PartyPoison

I am in a very similar place myself, so I dont know if I can be any help. But I read your posts and it made me sad to think that people like you are suffering like that at such a young age.

I am 6 months into my 18th year on this earth , and I am struggling with the same issue. I feel like I cant cope with anything and since I took a full time job with lots of responsibility (Felt I had to , based on financial security) I cant ever relax or stop worrying about anything.

I understand how you feel restricted in your current position, so all I can recommend is do that makes you happy!

Even if that may include things you might get in trouble for, or things that are bad for you. When you're at the point where life doesnt seem like its worth living, sometimes the only way you can keep going is to do everything you enjoy and dont care what people think. Whether that is watching TV all day, eating lots of chocolate, going out with friends or just on your own. That may seem like a dumb idea given the gravity of the situation, but trust me when I say its much worse to just give up and go along with what makes you unhappy, just because its what other people want.

So I should rebel or something?