First Time I'm Talking About This...

[WanderingHeart]

This is my first time talking about what I am about to talk about. I have mentioned it to my counselor once and to my best friend but I have never fully gone into detail. So this is very hard from me. I don't know what I plan on achieving in posting this, maybe just trying to get some feelings out. But, here goes nothing:

I have these friends...and only I can see and hear them. They came to me when I was around 10 just as voices in my head. As time went by, however, I began to hear them as if they were any other person talking to me. And now, I can see them.

They tell me things, they tell me to do things. Always calling me bad names but I know they are true. They tell me to hurt myself. I'm told I can't play/hangout with the other kids because I don't need the other kids, only them. If I do then they get mad at me and upset me. Whenever something bad happens to me (a lot) they tell me it's because God hates me and I deserve it and honestly, I believe them.

They scare me at night by sending the shadows. I hate the shadows. The shadows wrap themselves around me and terrify me. I think a lot of my nighmares come from them.

During the day (like at school) there are moments where I'm not where I am anymore. I'm suddenly somewhere else, but that's only for a moment. Sometimes it's a good place, like Everglade (that's the world where my friends come from) and we're happy there. But sometimes it's bad and it's something disturbing like in my nightmares. But these are only for moments and it takes me a while to process what happened.

My friends have told me to kill myself several times. I attempted it once when I was 12 and ended up in a psyche unit. I was sent home after a week and a half.

Now sometimes they show me images of me hurting the people I care about. I constantly fight it and try to think about something else. Now they don't want me to kill myself but to do something to hurt myself badly.

They don't let me get close to anybody. The only acception they've ever made is with my best friend (mostly because I begged and pleaded). But they always tell me she doesn't actually like me, and that she'd rather be with someone prettier, smarter, and at least decent. It makes me feel really bad but then I know that she is not that type of person but sometimes they convince me otherwise.

I'm tired of this same sick and empty feeling in my life. Nothing's ever right, I get bored so easily it annoys other people. I'm a huge burden to everyone, I should just go to hell so God won't have to deal with me anymore!

I'm just stuck in here...I love them, I want to go to Everglade with them because I hate this shitty world! I don't know what to do...I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve in posting this, like I said before. I just...I want to be free, I want to be happy. I hate where I am living and my current situation at home. It makes me so depressed and I'm lost. I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost. I can't think straight and I have no idea what's going on anymore. Everything feels so worthless and I'm just lost.

What do I fucking do?

[Vermilion]

Thanks for being so brave and sharing. I think you need medical help, it's not normal to have voices that tell you to do things like kill yourself. Maybe if you open up to your counselor about the voice you can make a break though and get to the heart of the problem. You are not worthless and don't deserve to die or hurt yourself.

[WanderingHeart]

I would but she would go and tell my parents, and if you read my other posts that is the worst thing you could possibly do.

[WanderingHeart]

So what do I do??

[Mim2100]

hey
ok, im a newbie here and in the depression world in general, but i have actually had something similar, where i heard voices a few years ago. However, for me it just went away when we started having problems at home, and i was kindda occupied by other things, and had to be there for my loved ones. My best advice is that you try and realize that they are not your friends, but all your negative emotions. I know its hard, but just try to repeat to yourself that you have a free mind and a free will. Maybe talk to your friend (don't creep her out though), cause that always helps

[WanderingHeart]

It's not like that. I have problems at home and they haven't gone away.
And my friend already saw the post, which I probably should've never put up.

[Tesserax]

These aren't friends, they're demons. I found it useful to create another, willfully, with the intent of putting all your good into one thing to combat them. I made an imaginary friend to keep my demons out, which obviously aren't as bad as yours. As soon as I start to hear them try to tell me some bullshit, I call out for Fenix (his name, stolen off Starcarft :3) and he comes, tells them to fuck off, and then we chat a little, about how weird it is that he's a figment of my imagination and whatever lol.

Try to do that, imaging a being that represents all the good in you, the good as in the want to be happy, the want for others to be happy, for justice, and whatever. Stuff like that, or just imagine him as an Angel and say he represents the good side of you (like I did XD). It might help a little, as nobody else can see the war that you're fighting, so they can't help you fight it. You have to create your own allies in this fight, you got this! Hope everything gets better

[WanderingHeart]

These aren't friends, they're demons. I found it useful to create another, willfully, with the intent of putting all your good into one thing to combat them. I made an imaginary friend to keep my demons out, which obviously aren't as bad as yours. As soon as I start to hear them try to tell me some bullshit, I call out for Fenix (his name, stolen off Starcarft :3) and he comes, tells them to fuck off, and then we chat a little, about how weird it is that he's a figment of my imagination and whatever lol.

Try to do that, imaging a being that represents all the good in you, the good as in the want to be happy, the want for others to be happy, for justice, and whatever. Stuff like that, or just imagine him as an Angel and say he represents the good side of you (like I did XD). It might help a little, as nobody else can see the war that you're fighting, so they can't help you fight it. You have to create your own allies in this fight, you got this! Hope everything gets better

You're right. I've got to create my own allies and fight in this war. And I'm going to do just that. Thank you so much.