Dimentio
April 13th, 2015, 11:42 AM
I'm sorry, i know everyone posts on this forum asking for it, and if i could I'd chose for them all to lose their depression, anxiety, it all if it meant I'd get it, and they no longer needed it, but I'm struggling haha
The anxiety has gotten so bad now, i live every day in fear for the next one, i bite my fingers to pieces, my sleeping is slowly getting delayed more and more, my loss of appetite is hitting me more and more, I'm starting to cry again, it's all just happening again like a few years ago and I'm scared i can't take it this time, last year i lost the rabbit and the cat i grew up with, i lost Edna, i lost my great aunt, i lost the barn, and all the people and dogs with it, i lost Kelsey, and most recently, from personal a person choice, i decided to lose my dad, and it was so much that i just didn't show emotion i guess, i wasn't happy, i wasn't sad, i wasn't anything, and i guess i did it to cope, to act to people hey, I'm strong, but then everything slowed back down again and when no one looked, the weakness showed themselves.
It would literally be me leaving with some friends and the moment we parted, not even a second later, it all just hit me again, i can't physically make myself show bad emotions in front of anyone, except once when it became too much, but not a lot of people saw, college is finishing soon and mum wants me to get into a job immediately and there have been a few, disputes over it, I'm just not confident enough or could handle it right now, multiple people have told me, even ones who don't know about the depression or anxiety so well, that i would crash and burn if i ran straight into a job, but when you have already crashed, what is there to hit?
Walking into public is becoming near impossible, I'm getting exhausted even on days with no college, and i just don't know how long i can keep going, my only saving grace, the only thing i live for right now is Ann, and there are some times, like the last 2 weeks, where i cannot see her as college is shut, or she is ill, but with such little time left and all this, i don't know what to do, the past 2 weeks have been almost every moment of every day feeling this depression and anxiety in a way i have never felt it, i come back home every day with Jess going at me, i get to college and feel left out, it's all just becoming too much, and what makes it harder, i have no one.
I've posted on Facebook a few times about the depression and anxiety hoping someone will try and help, but no one does, i try talking to people about it but no one helps, the only person who tries is Katrina, the only friend who i feel like is true to me, but it quickly turns to me helping her, but i just don't know how to keep going any more.
I do the drawings, reading books, watching movies, the bird watching, all of the pets, listening to music, and even recently i do coursework, just it all to keep me busy, keep my mind from thinking, help myself, but self healing, it just isn't working any more, i need someone, I'm grateful for Ann but she is once a week, sometimes not even then, i don't truely get into myself and my issues as i know everything going on in her life and i feel too bad talking about my and myself when she is struggling, and i just can't do it, I'm sorry i keep repeating it over, but i can't, I'm done fighting alone, i expect this to be ignored as hey, it's all people have done all my life, but what's one last effort to add to the damage already done?
If anyone does read this, please just, be a good talker, don't always direct everything to you, don't only talk about you, don't only give one word answers, and don't let me remain silent, the last time i had a conversation that satisfied me, a hug that felt true, words of comfort that hit me, were all form Kelsey, and i guess i want to refill this hole, but i just haven't found it yet, but yes, if there is someone out there who could just talk to me, and listen, just help me, you would be greatly appreciated, i usually make blogs but just like my friends, people ignore the cries for help, I'm desperate now, when i look into my future, not even a year, not even 6 months, just 3, all i see after that is blackness, someone be my light.
The anxiety has gotten so bad now, i live every day in fear for the next one, i bite my fingers to pieces, my sleeping is slowly getting delayed more and more, my loss of appetite is hitting me more and more, I'm starting to cry again, it's all just happening again like a few years ago and I'm scared i can't take it this time, last year i lost the rabbit and the cat i grew up with, i lost Edna, i lost my great aunt, i lost the barn, and all the people and dogs with it, i lost Kelsey, and most recently, from personal a person choice, i decided to lose my dad, and it was so much that i just didn't show emotion i guess, i wasn't happy, i wasn't sad, i wasn't anything, and i guess i did it to cope, to act to people hey, I'm strong, but then everything slowed back down again and when no one looked, the weakness showed themselves.
It would literally be me leaving with some friends and the moment we parted, not even a second later, it all just hit me again, i can't physically make myself show bad emotions in front of anyone, except once when it became too much, but not a lot of people saw, college is finishing soon and mum wants me to get into a job immediately and there have been a few, disputes over it, I'm just not confident enough or could handle it right now, multiple people have told me, even ones who don't know about the depression or anxiety so well, that i would crash and burn if i ran straight into a job, but when you have already crashed, what is there to hit?
Walking into public is becoming near impossible, I'm getting exhausted even on days with no college, and i just don't know how long i can keep going, my only saving grace, the only thing i live for right now is Ann, and there are some times, like the last 2 weeks, where i cannot see her as college is shut, or she is ill, but with such little time left and all this, i don't know what to do, the past 2 weeks have been almost every moment of every day feeling this depression and anxiety in a way i have never felt it, i come back home every day with Jess going at me, i get to college and feel left out, it's all just becoming too much, and what makes it harder, i have no one.
I've posted on Facebook a few times about the depression and anxiety hoping someone will try and help, but no one does, i try talking to people about it but no one helps, the only person who tries is Katrina, the only friend who i feel like is true to me, but it quickly turns to me helping her, but i just don't know how to keep going any more.
I do the drawings, reading books, watching movies, the bird watching, all of the pets, listening to music, and even recently i do coursework, just it all to keep me busy, keep my mind from thinking, help myself, but self healing, it just isn't working any more, i need someone, I'm grateful for Ann but she is once a week, sometimes not even then, i don't truely get into myself and my issues as i know everything going on in her life and i feel too bad talking about my and myself when she is struggling, and i just can't do it, I'm sorry i keep repeating it over, but i can't, I'm done fighting alone, i expect this to be ignored as hey, it's all people have done all my life, but what's one last effort to add to the damage already done?
If anyone does read this, please just, be a good talker, don't always direct everything to you, don't only talk about you, don't only give one word answers, and don't let me remain silent, the last time i had a conversation that satisfied me, a hug that felt true, words of comfort that hit me, were all form Kelsey, and i guess i want to refill this hole, but i just haven't found it yet, but yes, if there is someone out there who could just talk to me, and listen, just help me, you would be greatly appreciated, i usually make blogs but just like my friends, people ignore the cries for help, I'm desperate now, when i look into my future, not even a year, not even 6 months, just 3, all i see after that is blackness, someone be my light.