"...despite how he abused me..."

[jessie3]

I'm sorry if this is deemed inappropriate but i just had to get this out.

Sometimes I'm afraid he's changed me forever. A part of me adores him despite how he's abuse me. A part of me wants to scream at him 'I love you! You SICK f*ck! I love you, comfort me, you hurt me so much, comfort me!' Most of the time I hate him so much I wish he'd die. While I am violently repulsed by memories of him raping me, I have to restrain my thoughts from going to him when I masturbate. When he raped me I was in pain, but I remember feeling pleasure every time he'd put his arms around me and helped me, helped me get around what ever was blocking me from going to another area in the video game he'd put on. Of course that pleasure was gone when he raped me afterwards but maybe that's why I have to stop myself from thinking of him when I masturbate. The sick bastard did it to mock me, and maybe to prepare me for penetration, or maybe to relieve his starving conscience, or maybe to pad his ego. Sometimes I feel like I deserve the pain. Sometimes i wonder if I'm as sick as him for wanting his love and undesired attention. I'm so confused.

[Abhorrence]

I would love to help you but I'm afraid I don't know what advice I can give without sounding stupid, since I've never been abused. All I can offer is that I will listen if you want to vent.

[NickTheStar]

I have been abused. It changes you.

[Dalcourt]

I understand what you mean. I was abused, too and I understand all those weird feelings that can be connected to it..but I'm sorry I can't really give you any advice on how to handle these feelings.

[Vermilion]

I don't know what to say except I'm sorry for what happened to you.

[WanderingHeart]

Ohmygod no ohmygoddd.

He is raping you, that is illegal and it is sick. I understand that you love him (and no, I don't think it makes you a sick person) but what he is doing is NOT right. You could try seeing a therapist and ask them about it. But you cannot let him get away with this. You do not deserve this, any of this. You deserve freedom and a happy relationship. You cannot let him do this to you. You have more worth than that!

Yes, you love him. But that doesn't mean what he's doing is right. If this continues I really urge you to report this.

You want his love and undesired attention, yes. But it is not worth it if you are getting hurt.

[Tifany]

Really Sorry to hear it, It is very painful and uncomfortable experience and sometimes victims do carry feeling for their violator. But the best thing to do is seek professional help to overcome this problem and go on with your life.