I'm sorry... [Trigger warning]

[Tesserax]

I don't know if the trigger warning is appropriate, because I'm new to this, but I put it just in case

I'm so sorry everybody. To everybody that shared their kind words to my last post, I read it all and I tried to take it in, but I couldn't control myself. I had to just see if it would feel good, and it did. Something just compelled me, perhaps the darkness that has been festering inside.

I cut myself last night. Twice. Both about an inch long, but the first one was more experimental, to see how it would feel, so I slowly started sawing into my left arm, and when I started to feel the pain, it felt good to an extent. So I kept sawing, and I sawed until I couldn't bear it anymore. It's the thickest and deepest cut I've made, and though probably not as bad as other people, it's pretty bad. The second cut was after, just so I could feel good again, and it wasn't so bad but I still cut, just a clean slice this time, pressing and slowly gliding my swiss army knife across my arm.

Worst of all, the cuts are obvious, and I love the scratch them from time to time. It gives me a little pain, which I enjoy. Even the act of rubbing them gives a small but pleasurable sting.

Sorry, I feel like I've let you down, and my brain is just melting, I'm losing control it feels like. It's just loneliness. I feel alone, and to top it off the pressure of homework that I didn't do over the holidays has built up. Typical me. At least I'll get to see friends tomorrow, but well, technically today because I'm typing this at 1 in the morning.

I just want to die on the inside. Maybe I'll stop feeling like this then. But knowing myself, all of you are going to comment on this later, and then when I'm a little better I'm going to read everything, and brush it off like it was nothing. I'll just say "Oh yeah, I was just going through a rough patch and I'm better now". But that's not true, you're never better until it's completely gone. I know I'm going to brush over your comments in a day or two, and it tears me up inside to think about it

Forgive me everybody, for I feel like nothing can help anything

[Dying Ember]

I want you to know that there's no reason to say sorry, you haven't let anyone down and you haven't done anything wrong. Its hard to ignore the urge to self harm. I think you need to get help for how you're feeling, does anyone know about how youre feeling? Its important that you get help as soon as possible because self harm just gets worse and worse. Sorry if this makes no sense my heads a bit jumbled at th moment

[City Kid]

First of all, you really don't have to apologize to us. I think the majority of people who post in this area are or were harming themselves at some point and know exactly how hard it is to withstand those urges. We are here to help you up again when you fall to the ground, not to judge you for falling in the first place.

Second of all, it's right that you put the trigger warning in the title. Explicitly describing how you self-harm can be very triggering for some people, even though it differs from person to person. I personally can only be triggered by pictures, for example.

Right. Let's cut to the chase. You harmed yourself. It happened. It wasn't supposed to happen and I wish it had turned out otherwise for you, but it didn't. It doesn't mean you've failed anybody. It means you were or are in unbearable emotional pain and that you didn't see another way out. But you can fight through this.
Do you think you could be suffering from depression? Feeling a little down when school gets very stressful is completely normal, but what you're describing rather sounds like depression to me. But whatever it is, I think you definitely need to see a professional about how you're feeling right now. I'm not saying you are too weak to fight through this on your own and I don't want to discourage you, but I'm gonna tell you it's more than hard to stop self-harming without any help.
The only way I got out of this addiction was to hand my razors over to my parents and tell my friends about it. That way I could call a friend at any time to distract me if the urges were becoming unbearable.
You might be strong enough to do it on your own. I just don't think you should even put that much pressure on yourself. I'm not saying that you should continue and not do anything about it! The first step is to tell someone. Anyone. Do you think you could tell your parents or another family member? One of your teachers? A friend? Your doctor? If not, could you at least try to call some anonymous helpline? There is one in nearly every country. It helps to talk about it, believe me.
Also, feel free to post on here if you're feeling depressed. Like I said, we're all here to help you get better again.

Be strong and keep fighting. I know you can do it.

[Tesserax]

Thanks guys, but I'm seeing friends today so that might help. I'm not telling them though, I'm just hoping they care enough to notice...

Also I have a friend who I want to talk to, but I don't know where she's gone these holidays, she just hasn't responded to any of my messages throughout the holidays, and I only saw her online once but I was feeling too shy to message her...