variantwarrior
March 22nd, 2015, 07:51 PM
My grades are suffering, and I don't care anymore. Normally, it would kill me to have a B, but this year (my freshman year of high school) my grades have dropped to Cs and Ds.
I used to enjoy writing, but now I feel like I just keep repeating the same process: come up with idea, work furiously for two or three days, convince myself (with the help of my friend of 5 years) that the idea is beyond saving, and exile it to a folder on my computer full of abandoned stories.
I recently got into drawing in an attempt to bring some of my ideas to a visual medium, but I can't manage to get better, and I can't motivate myself to do anything differently from the bad habits I already have.
I am trying to learn Japanese, but I can't keep focused on studying and all the details of the language make it seem impossible.
I can't even manage to "waste time" how I want to. I have a backlog of anime and manga that I want/need to watch/finish, but even if there is literally nothing else that I could be doing at the time I can't focus even on that.
I tried to work a little with animation and 3d modeling, but I have no idea how any of the software works and no will to learn.
I just don't want to do anything...I don't know why. I've though maybe it's because I'm afraid of failing, or that I don't have strong enough purpose. Maybe it's even that I'm trying to do more than I can handle.
There are only two things that I can focus in on: conversation with my friends at school, and music. At school, I have a fairly large circle of friends (I'm not popular, just well-known) who share my interests. I can converse with them comfortably enough, I suppose...
As for the music, well...that's weird. Every once in a while, I'll shut my door, put on my headphones, and dance to my music. Except it's not really dancing. It's more like I fight against an invisible enemy. Sometimes I visualize myself as a character in one of my story following some strange plot...and the images are really vivid. I usually exhaust myself by the end of a song. When i say I'm exhausted, I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally. After I've defeated my phantom enemy, I feel empty. Like I don't have a purpose at all.
This (as in all of my issues) began at the end of the first semester. During the first semester, I also had some strange thoughts. I would convince myself for a few weeks at a time that I had some bizarre ability. For a while, it was tracking (as in, knowing where people are no matter what) that changed with the moon phases. Then it was telepathy...in the form of music that changed with people's emotions. It went on changing for a while, but those lasted the longest. And each time a new one appeared, I'd talk to myself, pretend there was a voice in my mind that told me how to use those powers.
I didn't tell anyone else, but I was completely convinced that I had some kind of power.
And now I have this sort of...wanderlust. I want to adventure.
Has anyone else experience this kind of strangeness. Or recovered from it? Is something actually wrong with me or would the first-semester stuff be called an "overactive imagination"? How can I motivate myself to do things now?
I used to enjoy writing, but now I feel like I just keep repeating the same process: come up with idea, work furiously for two or three days, convince myself (with the help of my friend of 5 years) that the idea is beyond saving, and exile it to a folder on my computer full of abandoned stories.
I recently got into drawing in an attempt to bring some of my ideas to a visual medium, but I can't manage to get better, and I can't motivate myself to do anything differently from the bad habits I already have.
I am trying to learn Japanese, but I can't keep focused on studying and all the details of the language make it seem impossible.
I can't even manage to "waste time" how I want to. I have a backlog of anime and manga that I want/need to watch/finish, but even if there is literally nothing else that I could be doing at the time I can't focus even on that.
I tried to work a little with animation and 3d modeling, but I have no idea how any of the software works and no will to learn.
I just don't want to do anything...I don't know why. I've though maybe it's because I'm afraid of failing, or that I don't have strong enough purpose. Maybe it's even that I'm trying to do more than I can handle.
There are only two things that I can focus in on: conversation with my friends at school, and music. At school, I have a fairly large circle of friends (I'm not popular, just well-known) who share my interests. I can converse with them comfortably enough, I suppose...
As for the music, well...that's weird. Every once in a while, I'll shut my door, put on my headphones, and dance to my music. Except it's not really dancing. It's more like I fight against an invisible enemy. Sometimes I visualize myself as a character in one of my story following some strange plot...and the images are really vivid. I usually exhaust myself by the end of a song. When i say I'm exhausted, I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally. After I've defeated my phantom enemy, I feel empty. Like I don't have a purpose at all.
This (as in all of my issues) began at the end of the first semester. During the first semester, I also had some strange thoughts. I would convince myself for a few weeks at a time that I had some bizarre ability. For a while, it was tracking (as in, knowing where people are no matter what) that changed with the moon phases. Then it was telepathy...in the form of music that changed with people's emotions. It went on changing for a while, but those lasted the longest. And each time a new one appeared, I'd talk to myself, pretend there was a voice in my mind that told me how to use those powers.
I didn't tell anyone else, but I was completely convinced that I had some kind of power.
And now I have this sort of...wanderlust. I want to adventure.
Has anyone else experience this kind of strangeness. Or recovered from it? Is something actually wrong with me or would the first-semester stuff be called an "overactive imagination"? How can I motivate myself to do things now?