Crushing but Taken

[AbyssalLight7]

So the background info is that today was my 4 month with my boyfriend, I'm a 17 year old high-school junior, he's a 14 year old 8th grader, we are about 2 and a half years apart. We live about 12 miles away from each other and technically go to the same school so its not a long distance relationship, but in the 4 months we've been together we've only gotten to hang out twice (one of those times my dad who is anti-gay was with us so we had to act like nothing more than friends) and sense he's a middle-schooler we don't see each other at all in school accept on a rare chance which is never more than a minute. All his friends seem to think we're super cute, but on my side I have some support but also get some of those "You're dating an 8th grader..?" type reactions, my friend didn't mean any offense but called me a cougar jokingly so it was still, ehh... And it might just be that we don't get to interact much but I realized on my end that I'm not that deeply connected to him on an emotional level and as far as appearance I find him okay but nothing special.

Now that the negatives are covered, the things we have going for us.. I still do feel for him emotionally and I do find him cute, and he is SUPER nice in so many ways, not at all a bad relationship in any way like that. He also has a big emotional connection to me it seems. He uses the words I love you without holding back (Though he started less than a week into our relationship so it felt to soon), he often tells me about how he fell for me at first sight (to me he was initially just a friendly kid in a class I had to aid), and he has mentioned he could see us marrying. Basically, he's way more attached to me than I am to him, I really don't want to hurt him, and I feel most of our problems could be fixed simply by spending more time together.

Now in all this, there's one other major thing I haven't mentioned yet. Theres this guy at my school that I realized I like. I am a very loyal boyfriend, I didn't mean to fall for him but it happened nonetheless. Its really just infatuation, I don't know him that well yet. He's super attractive in my opinion and as far as I've seen he has the same personality as what I would describe when talking to friends about ideal boyfriends. However, though he seems to fit gay stereotypes (huge care about fashion, really cares about his hair, he even sometimes playful kicks this one guy in the butt and seems eager to get a hug from him sometimes, and just other mannerisms about him) but he also is from France and a lot of it could simply be elements he picked up from society there that seem gay to us in a small town in the u.s.a.. So there's a good chance he's strait and if he is gay he probably likes a specific someone who isn't me. The main point of putting this out there isn't to think about my odds of getting with this person but that it says a lot about my current relationship if I could be with someone and still fall for him (I'm usually not like that at all).

So now that all the info is there I suppose my question is, Given this information, should I keep trying with my boyfriend or move on? I talked to a couple friends and the basic consensus was to keep trying for a while, try to spend more time with him and if doesn't improve then I should break-up with him but I don't know how long to keep trying or when to make the decision and I don't want to just stay stuck in the grey for to long.

[Vermilion]

I'd say from what I've seen you have a really sweet relationship, however I think if you don't feel the connection between you that much I'd probably end the relationship after trying for another month if it doesn't change. I've been on the other side so I know I'd rather just be told how you feel than go on having a feeling/knowing it's not ok but not being told what's wrong. Do what's feels right to you and what's right for him.

[ImCoolBeans]

I don't think I could be in a relationship with somebody if we only got to hang out twice in 4 months. You're probably feeling for somebody else because you haven't gotten to spend real time with your boyfriend. Relationships like that can work, but you have to decide for yourself if it's going to be worth the work, or not.

On another note, a 14 year old in 8th grade is going to be far less mature than yourself, and if you do get to spend more time with him, you may find that to be a deal breaker. I'm not saying that is the case for everybody, but as you get to know him more, expect to find out that the age gap is actually quite significant. The maturity difference between being a middle schooler, and having even just a little bit of high school under your belt, is substantial. I also think middle school is a bit young for you -- no hate but that is really young -- be careful with that...

[AbyssalLight7]

I also think middle school is a bit young for you -- no hate but that is really young -- be careful with that...

He is within the legal age range for where I live and I am trying to abstain from sex until marriage, which he knows. So as far as legal stuff goes I have nothing to be careful with, but socially and emotionally I understand. Also, he asked me out, not the other way around, I wouldn't initiate a relationship with someone that much younger normally.

[DoodleSnap]

I think that, for his sake, it is important that you find a way to tell him how you feel. It is clear he is quite in love with you, so he may take it with difficulty at first, but I think that you should make it clear. Communication is one of the most important factors in any relationship; so try to make sure he understands that you like him, and think he is a good person, but that you are not in position to date him right now. Secrets and lies put blocks in relationships, so prolonging it would only do more harm than good, in my opinion. Anyway, that is just my $0.02. Good luck.

[Dortmund]

Personally only being able to see someone twice within a four month relationship would be a real deal breaker for me. I simply wouldn't be able to stand it.

It's nice that you're a good person and wouldn't want to cheat on him but it's also important that you discuss your problems with him. Is there not a way in which you can spend more time together? Especially as you can't exactly learn a whole lot about someone or even connect with that little social interaction.

It's something you two need to talk about and whilst there's a slight age gap you need to discuss your feelings about him and this other guy. At the age of 14 and with so little experience of love and relationship it's very easy for someone to band about phrases like 'I love you'. Just my opinion any way, I know my perception of love and relationships is much clearer than it was back then.