Leave him be?

[Faolan]

So one of my friends asked me back in September on a date with him. It was fun and I had a great time and we kissed. The next day, though, I said I couldn't do a relationship for whatever stupid reasons I had, fear of vulnerability or something. He was hurt and I was hurt for hurting him, but we got over it. He still liked me, and we remained friends.

Then, back in January, I felt ready to talk to him again about going on another date. It was exciting for a day, but that night I exploded and pushed him away once more. We both acted as if nothing happened during the school days.

I still like him, as a friend, and as more than a friend, and my questions are, should I leave him be? Is it too late to try again with a relationship? Would it do nothing more than rub old wounds and irritate our friendship? It's hard to let this go, but would it be for the best?

[CreativeUsername]

If you know that he still likes you, then go for it. If you don't know, try to ask some of his friends if they know. If you really care for him, go for it. It can't hurt him. If he is still bitter about last time, he still probably has feelings for you.

[SethfromMI]

unless you are truly read then stop playing with the poor guy

[SimSailorNick]

So one of my friends asked me back in September on a date with him. It was fun and I had a great time and we kissed. The next day, though, I said I couldn't do a relationship for whatever stupid reasons I had, fear of vulnerability or something. He was hurt and I was hurt for hurting him, but we got over it. He still liked me, and we remained friends.

Then, back in January, I felt ready to talk to him again about going on another date. It was exciting for a day, but that night I exploded and pushed him away once more. We both acted as if nothing happened during the school days.

I still like him, as a friend, and as more than a friend, and my questions are, should I leave him be? Is it too late to try again with a relationship? Would it do nothing more than rub old wounds and irritate our friendship? It's hard to let this go, but would it be for the best?

Do you guys still talk? Are you still friends or you're avoiding each other?

[Faolan]

Do you guys still talk? Are you still friends or you're avoiding each other?

We're friends & we still talk. I think SethfromMI's right in that I shouldn't toy w/ him. I should be happy we're still friends. I don't want any more emotional drama happening b/w us. I don't think I'm ready yet.

[SimSailorNick]

Faolan that's good. I guess my advice would be just to be careful. Don't do anything irrational and don't force anything if it's really not happening. Don't learn it the hard way like i did.

[DoodleSnap]

Try to sort out what it is inside you that makes you afraid of a relationship. If you are absolutely sure you are ready, try speak to him, go out for a movie or something, but don't label it as a "date". If you feel yourself getting stressed out, or worried, or ready to explode: speak to him. As I have said before to others, communication is key in any relationship, so tell him how you feel, and cooperate together as friends, or more, as to how to approach the built up tension in your head. But make sure you are able to do this, as hurting you both with a repeat of history will likely cause further anxiety.

Good luck.

[Faolan]

Here's an update. I asked him yesterday if he wanted to get coffee or something sometime, and his answer was "I don't know anymore... I can't say anything right now." He wouldn't look at me in the halls either. The very last thing I want to do is hurt him, but no matter what I do I do just that. It's not as if I can just go back and say "forget about it."
DoodleSnap what I did was a butchered version of your advice. If I'd followed it more closely it might have worked better. Instead your prediction of further anxiety seems to be coming true.

[DoodleSnap]

Here's an update. I asked him yesterday if he wanted to get coffee or something sometime, and his answer was "I don't know anymore... I can't say anything right now." He wouldn't look at me in the halls either. The very last thing I want to do is hurt him, but no matter what I do I do just that. It's not as if I can just go back and say "forget about it."
DoodleSnap what I did was a butchered version of your advice. If I'd followed it more closely it might have worked better. Instead your prediction of further anxiety seems to be coming true.
Don't worry or analyse such a small communication too much. He is still there, and you were brave enough to speak to him. Don't beat yourself up over it, as you are doing great. Don't worry about it, and remove your craving for something else, simply let it be. I understand it is hard, but know that you have the strength to do this. Let things go slowly for the time being, and instead of worrying that you have screwed up, just see when you can speak. I hope it all goes well.

[Faolan]

Don't worry or analyse such a small communication too much. He is still there, and you were brave enough to speak to him. Don't beat yourself up over it, as you are doing great. Don't worry about it, and remove your craving for something else, simply let it be. I understand it is hard, but know that you have the strength to do this. Let things go slowly for the time being, and instead of worrying that you have screwed up, just see when you can speak. I hope it all goes well.

It all ended OK. We did talk and he admitted he still has feelings for me. That said, we decided it would be better to go on with life. I'm glad it's finally all settled, even if it's not in the way I would have preferred.

[DoodleSnap]

It all ended OK. We did talk and he admitted he still has feelings for me. That said, we decided it would be better to go on with life. I'm glad it's finally all settled, even if it's not in the way I would have preferred.
I'm glad to hear you worked it all out. Hope you manage to reset your perspective and whatnot, because I know that can be hard. The fact that you spoke to each other and worked it out between you is much better than any unspoken compromise.

[Uniquemind]

It all ended OK. We did talk and he admitted he still has feelings for me. That said, we decided it would be better to go on with life. I'm glad it's finally all settled, even if it's not in the way I would have preferred.

Yeah sorry it didn't work out.

It seemed you guys might've had a shot at something.

But what's causing problems is each of you are mentally in different stages of development of what you can handle in a relationship, and both of you are out of sync.

I'd keep it at a friendship, and basically say that you aren't ready for a relationship because you need to figure out WHY you're afraid of a relationship.

[Faolan]

I'm figuring it out. Slowly, true, but this whole fiasco helped me understand a lot about myself and what I appreciate and like in others.

We really did have a shot in the beginning, and I'm so sad about that, but I guess there's not much point in moping. What do they say, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"? And we're still friends (if somewhat reserved around each other now).

[DoodleSnap]

I'm figuring it out. Slowly, true, but this whole fiasco helped me understand a lot about myself and what I appreciate and like in others.

We really did have a shot in the beginning, and I'm so sad about that, but I guess there's not much point in moping. What do they say, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"? And we're still friends (if somewhat reserved around each other now).
Exactly. According to Buddhism, craving is the source of all suffering, so simply observe what happened and appreciate the happy memories, rather than craving for something more. I always feel comforted by thinking about the physics concept that what happened was the only thing that could have happened. Anyway, you will have plenty of other opportunities to find love, and this is not the end. The fact that you guys are still good friends throughout this is a bonus, and shows how great you are at communicating and learning from past experiences. I hope all goes well.