Totally Shutting Down

[queenofcontrariety]

For the record I am crying uncontrollably while I type this, so I apologize for errors.

In a nutshell, I give up. I'm crying like all the time, all I want to do is sleep. My parents actually said they just want to see me happy but I can't, I can't do it right now. I just want to shut myself in a room and cry and just be defense by the insanity. I'm not going to lie, instinctually i kind of want to get homicidal, I won't, obviously but I've been going through my days in a rage and basically thinking that I want to kill most of the people I come into contact with or I want to or actually do cry. I'm under a ton of stress, and people just keeping adding more and like to make it worse. My parents may or may not intentionally push me. And obviously the people who have no idea are bound to set me off.

I'm nauseous most of the time and get stress headaches, I'm tired as all hell. I basically feel like my body is shutting down. I've been very paranoid which is definitely not what I'm used to and I just feel like I'm gradually getting worse. I'm scared and afraid I'm going to snap and have like a fullblown meltdown type of thing.

I just needed to vent. If anyone knows what I should do, please help

[Emerald Dream]

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling your best, Haley. I know what it's like sometimes to feel like shutting down and hiding - and even being set off to the point where you want to lash out. It feels like the weight of everything is falling on you. I've had a few meltdowns of my own.

Maybe you should zone out and let yourself rest. I think if you concentrate too hard on your feelings and let everything get to you then it ends up hurting you. Not that you shouldn't think about a lot of things - but sometimes it's better to lay down and either watch something funny or nice, or close your eyes and listen to peaceful music (and even let yourself fall asleep). There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or needing to sleep. Sometimes it's the best thing you can possibly do. I know this doesn't really solve problems, but a lot of the time you really need to take it one small step at a time. Even if it just means getting to the next day or distracting yourself for awhile.

Do something for yourself. I know it sucks to feel selfish, but do anything that makes you happy - no matter how silly or small it may feel like.

[queenofcontrariety]

Do something for yourself. I know it sucks to feel selfish, but do anything that makes you happy - no matter how silly or small it may feel like.
I'm doing my best to relax and let myself calm down, it's just I'm constantly getting yelled at for not doing anything. So here I am basically bawling my eyes out and having my mom scream at me and say I'm insane (which I already know) and how she wants to call I don't even know who. Like I'm scared enough, I don't need hear things like that. I'm just trudging along and I can't see an end of it in the near future

[Emerald Dream]

I'm doing my best to relax and let myself calm down, it's just I'm constantly getting yelled at for not doing anything. So here I am basically bawling my eyes out and having my mom scream at me and say I'm insane (which I already know) and how she wants to call I don't even know who. Like I'm scared enough, I don't need hear things like that. I'm just trudging along and I can't see an end of it in the near future

No, you don't need to hear things like that, and I definitely don't think you're insane (as much as you may believe otherwise).

I think being forced to "do things" when you are already feeling overwhelmed is probably the worst way to go about it. I know you probably know this, but have you tried talking to your mom about it? Maybe a compromise could be suggested, where you're allowed to rest if you'll do something in a few hours. It sounds like you're in serious need of a time-out from the stress you are feeling.

[queenofcontrariety]

No, you don't need to hear things like that, and I definitely don't think you're insane (as much as you may believe otherwise).

I think being forced to "do things" when you are already feeling overwhelmed is probably the worst way to go about it. I know you probably know this, but have you tried talking to your mom about it? Maybe a compromise could be suggested, where you're allowed to rest if you'll do something in a few hours. It sounds like you're in serious need of a time-out from the stress you are feeling.

I have tried just about everything I can with my mother, my therapist essentially told me to give up. To here no matter how overwhelmed I am I always have to do whatever it is she expects. I'm pretty convinced she doesn't believe any of this is real. She lost a friend of 20+ years whom she spoke to everyday because she couldn't accept that she was a somewhat compulsive liar and didn't keep a tidy house because she was clinically depressed and hadn't been medicated until the very end. My mother is probably the most insensitive person I've met, but it's to the point where even my dad is getting fed up with me. And I feel awful that I'm letting them down but there isn't too much else that I can do