amgb
March 1st, 2015, 03:49 AM
I'm not going to be posting anymore SH threads. I've only done 2 and I plan on keeping it that way. Although I feel ashamed letting this out, I feel like it's better for it to be out in the open so I don't have to hide it. I don't like showing, but I don't like hiding either.
I've been a failure in several aspects. It's not only academics I fail at. I fail at doing anything positive and good for myself. And a long list of other things that I prefer to keep private. But I learnt to feel helpless and disappointed from the start so that I didn't have to go through the regret, disappointment, anger and self-hatred in the end. That way it hurts much less. I've lived with physical pain and, like a lot of people who I know, I'd prefer the physical over the emotional pain any day.
I've never used blades in my entire life. Until recently. I shift tools quite often because I like the variety. So, it's the blade's turn. There's a small box of them, and exactly nine of them in there. I don't like how there's nine and not ten. Anyway. There's nine frenemies who hate me more than they love me. Well - the world's a mirror so I hate them back. In a weird way I also like having them around. I like carrying them around with me, even when I'm not using them. When I miss a day without them I feel empty and useless. When I'm with them I feel empty and useless. Not much of a difference so I don't bother trying to change anything. I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life and I seriously honestly don't give a damn. I used to care, but those times are long gone and won't return.
I can't overcome SH. I can't do it. I won't do it. I can't because I don't want to. Yes, I am cruel. I'd rather destroy my body slowly then destroy it all in one go..
I've been a failure in several aspects. It's not only academics I fail at. I fail at doing anything positive and good for myself. And a long list of other things that I prefer to keep private. But I learnt to feel helpless and disappointed from the start so that I didn't have to go through the regret, disappointment, anger and self-hatred in the end. That way it hurts much less. I've lived with physical pain and, like a lot of people who I know, I'd prefer the physical over the emotional pain any day.
I've never used blades in my entire life. Until recently. I shift tools quite often because I like the variety. So, it's the blade's turn. There's a small box of them, and exactly nine of them in there. I don't like how there's nine and not ten. Anyway. There's nine frenemies who hate me more than they love me. Well - the world's a mirror so I hate them back. In a weird way I also like having them around. I like carrying them around with me, even when I'm not using them. When I miss a day without them I feel empty and useless. When I'm with them I feel empty and useless. Not much of a difference so I don't bother trying to change anything. I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life and I seriously honestly don't give a damn. I used to care, but those times are long gone and won't return.
I can't overcome SH. I can't do it. I won't do it. I can't because I don't want to. Yes, I am cruel. I'd rather destroy my body slowly then destroy it all in one go..