Typhlosion
February 8th, 2015, 12:55 PM
To give a bit of backstory: I'm really stressed about life right now. Last year I entered UNIFEI, a college in another city. There, my first semester was spent living in a frat with a lot of hazing, where my grades weren't good (4/8 courses passed); and the second semester was me living with a roommate in a boarding house for students, which just led to worse grades (3/9 courses passed), depression, and being removed from the course, no longer a student. I realized, at the end of that time, that I needed help and should see a therapist. I had a last chance to stay at UNIFEI if I went to their therapist, but a string of unfortunate miscomprehensions between emails led me to believe that such chance was remote.
I come back home and me and my parents have very contrasting ideas for what I should do: I desired to go to another college out of my hometown, residing in a less extreme frat and attending a therapist; my parents, on the other hand, want me to stay home and do a college I was trying to avoid doing (I dislike their course structure), because here they'll be able to help me and receive feedback on my progress. I, not only wanting to live with others because I believe that may help me learn to socialize better, but also having no desire to live with them because I hate the setting (our apartment) and I can't view much they've taught me as effective or not. This lead to a lot of arguments, with each of them desperate (and I'm not kidding when I say desperate, I'm really volatile at times like this) to change their minds. Nothing good came out of that. I'm now enrolled in UNIFESP waiting classes to start. And it's going to be shit.
So I had a dream this night.
I'm in the living room, and I and my parents are about to check out my grades from some passing exam that would have happened between an already existing exam that I took and passed and enrollment. In the scenario, I know for some reason that I could have passed at UNIFEI again, but I do not know if I passed at UNIFESP yet. The results first show some 32% that I got in a test, but the next one is the final one, deciding whether I will or not get into UNIFESP. The computer screen shows a small 16%, which I didn't know if it was my grade or possibility of passing, but it was bad. I enter in despair and the emotions are exponentially intensifying. If I don't get into UNIFESP, there won't be any therapist to see.
I'm done for. I run to my room and throw myself at the open window, which has a safety net. Now suicidal thoughts are at their strongest, I they were really strong. Pulsating. Omnipresent. I get a knife from the kitchen and head to my room. My father sees me and decides to follow. I slashed through net quite easily, and as I proceeded to climb out of the window my father holds my arm, but not way too firmly. I attempt to climb once again, this time I already managed a leg outside. My father once grasps me, maybe a bit more firm. I think that he'd actually hold me and save me, but the relative looseness starts making me think if I'm doing this just for attention. I then rationalize the drop, ask my father if falling from the fifth(UK)/sixth(US) floor would suffice, to which he replies "probably not", so I head to the stairs and go to the highest floor (which, for some reason, is one lesser than reality).
The inside of my building has an octagonal format, where the hall/access to the apartments starts from the outer border of the octagon inwards, and the elevator section cuts the octagon in half. Between the halls and elevator/stairs space there is a hole that falls to the first/second floor. The wall preventing the drop, on this highest last floor, is only, at best, a foot high. Nothing can stop me. Both the area around me, and my glance at the drop below, looks more like a shopping mall. There are some people around me, but nobody specific.
As I head onto the drop with much less intense emotions fueling me, somehow, I start to read some VirtualTeen posts about my attempt at suicide, more specifically the staff (although not all the members were accurate, i.e. Mike was posting but also two GD mods that did not exist) and OctilloSupreme (I think). I couldn't read them clearly, but I know that two of the posters were very not against the act. More and more appear, each less readable than the other, and the uncertainty of suicide increases. I might have almost taken the last step but I felt overwhelmed by the information entering my head and exhausted emotionally. I faint, and the dream ends.
*: Texts in italic indicate dream plotholes
This has got to be one of, if not the most, emotionally intense dreams of my life, if not one of the most intense experiences including the real world itself. Thoughts of suicide or death have never, ever, been a fraction of what it was, instead being more or less quickly dismissed. I'd also like to note that, in my dreams, I do not experience extreme distortions of reality like fictitious monsters or places that could not humanely exist.
What the hell?
I come back home and me and my parents have very contrasting ideas for what I should do: I desired to go to another college out of my hometown, residing in a less extreme frat and attending a therapist; my parents, on the other hand, want me to stay home and do a college I was trying to avoid doing (I dislike their course structure), because here they'll be able to help me and receive feedback on my progress. I, not only wanting to live with others because I believe that may help me learn to socialize better, but also having no desire to live with them because I hate the setting (our apartment) and I can't view much they've taught me as effective or not. This lead to a lot of arguments, with each of them desperate (and I'm not kidding when I say desperate, I'm really volatile at times like this) to change their minds. Nothing good came out of that. I'm now enrolled in UNIFESP waiting classes to start. And it's going to be shit.
So I had a dream this night.
I'm in the living room, and I and my parents are about to check out my grades from some passing exam that would have happened between an already existing exam that I took and passed and enrollment. In the scenario, I know for some reason that I could have passed at UNIFEI again, but I do not know if I passed at UNIFESP yet. The results first show some 32% that I got in a test, but the next one is the final one, deciding whether I will or not get into UNIFESP. The computer screen shows a small 16%, which I didn't know if it was my grade or possibility of passing, but it was bad. I enter in despair and the emotions are exponentially intensifying. If I don't get into UNIFESP, there won't be any therapist to see.
I'm done for. I run to my room and throw myself at the open window, which has a safety net. Now suicidal thoughts are at their strongest, I they were really strong. Pulsating. Omnipresent. I get a knife from the kitchen and head to my room. My father sees me and decides to follow. I slashed through net quite easily, and as I proceeded to climb out of the window my father holds my arm, but not way too firmly. I attempt to climb once again, this time I already managed a leg outside. My father once grasps me, maybe a bit more firm. I think that he'd actually hold me and save me, but the relative looseness starts making me think if I'm doing this just for attention. I then rationalize the drop, ask my father if falling from the fifth(UK)/sixth(US) floor would suffice, to which he replies "probably not", so I head to the stairs and go to the highest floor (which, for some reason, is one lesser than reality).
The inside of my building has an octagonal format, where the hall/access to the apartments starts from the outer border of the octagon inwards, and the elevator section cuts the octagon in half. Between the halls and elevator/stairs space there is a hole that falls to the first/second floor. The wall preventing the drop, on this highest last floor, is only, at best, a foot high. Nothing can stop me. Both the area around me, and my glance at the drop below, looks more like a shopping mall. There are some people around me, but nobody specific.
As I head onto the drop with much less intense emotions fueling me, somehow, I start to read some VirtualTeen posts about my attempt at suicide, more specifically the staff (although not all the members were accurate, i.e. Mike was posting but also two GD mods that did not exist) and OctilloSupreme (I think). I couldn't read them clearly, but I know that two of the posters were very not against the act. More and more appear, each less readable than the other, and the uncertainty of suicide increases. I might have almost taken the last step but I felt overwhelmed by the information entering my head and exhausted emotionally. I faint, and the dream ends.
*: Texts in italic indicate dream plotholes
This has got to be one of, if not the most, emotionally intense dreams of my life, if not one of the most intense experiences including the real world itself. Thoughts of suicide or death have never, ever, been a fraction of what it was, instead being more or less quickly dismissed. I'd also like to note that, in my dreams, I do not experience extreme distortions of reality like fictitious monsters or places that could not humanely exist.
What the hell?