... confused...

[steven]

i know this is probably minor... and it probably shouldnt go here... and if it dont go here then please move it to where it should be... (reading through it again it could belong in the relationship and dating section)

its like i have come to a conclusion that i should try and stay away from all of my friends and my girlfriend so that they will grow away from me, meet better people than me and get over me, the only problem is, that when i have accomplished that, i shoulld just go away and just stay hidden and do nothing, exept perhaps die... its like in my head, all i want to do is die, but i dont want to, i want to help people get over their problems, which is what im best at, but still no good at it... what i want, is to leave my closest friends alone so they will find better people than me, and i hope that my gf atm will find someone that will do things better than i will, love her just as much as i do, but someone that is alot better than me, and all i want is for her to be happy, but she says that she wants me, but their is this feeling inside of my mind that keeps saying that she could do alot better than me, which she could anyday, because i am worth nothing, im not good enough for anyone, and thats how im used to it, so its kind of hard, knowing that i am with someone that wants me, and its tearing me apart, i just want to stay close to her all of the time, but at the same time, i want to stay away from her so that she goes out without me, has a good time and finds someone alot better than me...

im really confused about this and its making me feel like shit all the time, my best mate has told me that im a miserable little shit when im not with my girlfriend... its really tearing me up... and i cant help the way that i think like that... its wierd... sometimes im ok, then the next minute im thinking about that and its ruining me... i hate it and i want it to go away but i dont know how to make it go away...

in my head, its basically saying to me that i am not good enough to have any friends or anyone that i can be close to... and it is ruining my life.

i dont want to go to any counseling because then everyone will change and make a massive difference to how they act around me

i love them all so fuckin much though... and it hurts me when i think like this, but it happens all the time...

please help...

Steve

EDIT: forgot to mention... i think... but when i think about this, it usually stays in my hed from 30 mins to about 4 hours... but then i can change from thinking about it, to not thinking about it very quickly, and its really getting to me...

[The Batman]

They are your friends for a reason and your girlfriend choose to date you for a reason, and I think its because there is no one they rather be with but you. Steven I read your other posts and your a nice person I can see why someone would want to be your friend. Your girlfriend loves you and wants you and to her there is no one better, think about it there are millions of guys in the world and she choose you now if there was someone better she would have choose him instead but there isn't anyone better. If you don't believe me ask all your friends why they want to be your friends.

[steven]

okey yeah... i kinda did that... but for a different reason... i am over the moon :):):):) im in such a good mood and im over this for good (i really hope soooooo) mainly because her brother, had told me that she thinks that i am only in the relationship for the sex... WHICH I AM NOT... i only did it because i thought that she was, well anyway... its made me a load more happier because i now know that she doesnt want that, and wants me for who i am, and not for that which i thought she did before.... so basically... i am feeling brilliant over this :) :) and i dont think the 2 bottles of boost help that i drunk earlier in less than 5 mins :) still ant got the sugar rush but am shaking COS AM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD!!!!! WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO LOL!!!

sorry a just cant contain myself anymore... WWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... and btw... listenin to Mika while i am like thats makes me just wanna run and hug everyone in the WWWWWWOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDD!!!! yay :groupwave::dance::hug:

EDIT: so my guess is... topic closed...? and also... as a suggestion... you should allow more smileys/images per post... 10 is not enough to describe how id feel (but its probably a good idea because i feel like putting MILLIONS!!! WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) lol... and im sorry for being in such a good mood and going over the top... one last time... WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

well i did mean to post this last night but internet broke down when i went to post it... and well i am now over this... for now i suppose... and well... i just had to get it off my chest (((its copied and pasted from last night)))

ignore the last message... at the moment in time... i feel like shit and i really dont want to live... im sorry about double posting i need help and if i edit it... i didnt know if it would bump the thread...

basically... its come back and it is far worse than before... its unbearable...

it does the same... comes and goes... its hardest when im alone in the house and i know that there are knives and other sharp objects that i can get to... yesterday i got the bread knife and ran it across my wrist and i feel shit tday cos of that... i only stopped because i saw movement in the corner of my eye... which was my dog... then i realised where i was... next to the back door... and my mam/step dad was just outside... i then remembered a promise that i made, not to self harm. so i put the knife back and i cant stop thinking about it...

its really hard... all of my life i have had people saying that they are so good... and i compare myself to them, and i see myself as no good... everything that i do, i believe that there is no-one that can do it worse than me... my self image of myself is bad... i have no confidence and if i do anything out of the ordinary, to try and raise it, then i just get pulled back down with other people making comments and all of that...

its really hard for me atm... the only thing thats good in my life is Jeni ... and i have it in my head that i am no good for her... but as Darkwing had said... she has chosen me, and that must mean something... it is this, that is keeping me going... and i really want to stop thinking like this... it is whenever i am alone or whenever there is nothing to do then i start to think like it...

well... this aint from last night but a kind of update... today in school... in science... teacher did an experiment which ended up making some salts... nitrate salts... and if you dont know... nitrate salts are highly toxic... so, when he was showing us them, i looked at them and got the possibly best feeling i have had in my life... i saw myself eating them... and its this that really scares me because i got that feeling, but i dont want to die so now im just trying to focus on not thinking about that and just getting on with stuff... and trying not to think about anything...

i hope you know what i mean so then i would be able to get some advice on what to do...

Steve

and btw... i might not be on the forums as much because i have my GCSE exams in 5 week and i need to start revising...

as an update... jeni and i have kind of 'temporarily' split up... she says im more like a brother figure to her than a boyfriend and well... i know whats going to happen... after the temporary split... she is going to say whether it is temporary or if its permanent... and i know that its going to be permanent

basicaly... i now have no reason to live.. the only reason im alive right now is because i want to wait the time period and i have made a promise to jeni not to self harm (not even allowed to punch anything)

sooo... thats it basically...

[Please use the edit button instead of triple/double posting thanks -Thesphinx]

[Oblivion]

Just to remind you: That was a triple post :) use the edit button instead of reply :) And if you want people to know you added it later put [Edit: ] Around it

Oh and if this section allows extra posts ignore this post... I think you can only double post in diaries though

[steven]

hmmm now that is really nice... the one moment that i need your support n the only person that replies tells me that i triple posts... i said i was sorry to double/triple post but i did say that i wasnt sure that it bumbd the thread...

n yeah... i love all of the support that you have given me... it has been very moving in the good direction... now the only reason im alive is because of a promise that i have made not to self harm... which i broke in skwl cos i broke mi pen n got a sharp piece and started to go against my upper arm... felt like shit after but it wasnt as bad as before...

P.S. love all of the support you have given me... it has helped a shit load!

Steve