Partner Not Attractive

[Luminous]

I am not physically attracted to my girlfriend. I like her for her personality, but I don't like looking at her in a sexual or romantic way and she is just not at all attractive to me. Honestly, she's kind of.. not so great looking. Obviously, this is an issue. I know people say looks don't matter but I already don't like looking at her, the only reason I like kissing her is because I can close my eyes and pretend she looks different. How am I ever supposed to do anything farther with her? I'm worried about breaking up with her because she is a part of my friend group and I don't want to lose any of my friends. I have not been with her long and I don't think breaking up would truly devastate her, but I've never broken up with anyone before and I just don't really know what to do. I keep going back and forth. I really like her personality, but.. I just don't find her attractive. Help?

[Thunderstorm]

I totally agree with you in the fact that while personality is a big factor, looks are just as big of a factor. It's important to be physically attracted to someone or else it will just be awkward in those intimate moments.
What I think you should do is let her down lightly. You don't need to tell her why you are breaking up with her unless she persistently asks. Even then, you could say something like "I just don't feel an attraction between us like I initially did. I just need a break, for myself." I just did this with my boyfriend (although concerning my coming out, not attraction) and told him I needed a break to cope with my parents shock but we should still talk and remain friends. It worked out fine. I wish you luck!

[maniamsmart]

Why don't you like her? Perhaps you can try and help her become... more pretty? I know a lot of girls who help other girls look better. You can say it politely, perhaps suggesting she do something particular with her hair or what not. While breaking up with her is an easy option and possible, are you sure there is no way around it to sort of... I guess "fix" it?

[Uranus]

(Sorry if the post is huge)



I can understand what you mean, Hannah. Me personally, I've been in a past relationship where honestly she wasn't really....attractive. (In case you're wondering why me and her aren't together is because she moved away because her parents wanted to live closer to their family, not because of... Unattractiveness) Yea looks can really impact relationships either positively or negatively. Or neither. In my own opinion, I don't believe that looks should be the choice between staying with your partner, or leaving them. I'm kinda working on a short...book, or something of the sort that can help people understand what can make a relationship work.

One part of my 'Lesson' is explaining what a strong foundation is. If the foundation of a relationship is physical attraction, chances are, sooner or later, the relationship WILL end. Because if they are the foundation, what happens when a more attractive person comes along? People will go for the more attractive partner, and so on.

Now I'm not saying that is how you, Hannah, work with relationships. Now this doesn't mean that you can't have a "Hot" partner, you just shouldn't make "Looks" the foundation. It's like buying a car. You want the basics, safety, comfort, and trust. So that's what you go for. As long as you have the things that you need, rather than what you want, then you're in great shape. But after you get the car, (Be in a relationship) you notice the car has a supercharged V8 (Very active and fun partner), and that is a benefit. It doesn't have to be a must. As long as you have what you truly need to keep up, everything that comes with it, is a benefit. As long as you care for your partner because of her personality and how you act around each other, good looking or not, you don't really need her to look...good. Who knows, maybe in a couple years, she'll possibly look more attractive with her physical body being more developed.

Also, if you stay with her, you'll get more...Attached to her and you'll forget about how she looks. Looks really don't matter. It's really on the inside, is what counts. Just put yourself in her shoes. Do you think it'd be fair to be left because of looks, and them not giving you a chance?

This is all my own opinion, so if you disagree with me, I understand.

[SethfromMI]

looks are not most important, but I won't sit here and lie, you do need to feel some type of physical attraction.

[Elysium]

Why don't you like her? Perhaps you can try and help her become... more pretty? I know a lot of girls who help other girls look better. You can say it politely, perhaps suggesting she do something particular with her hair or what not. While breaking up with her is an easy option and possible, are you sure there is no way around it to sort of... I guess "fix" it?
I think if you're at the point where you're trying to mold your partner into someone who's better suited for you, it's time to break up. That's manipulative and probably to some degree abusive. I think you're thinking of the classic scene where two close girl friends are doing each other's makeup, hair, etc. While (at least, between my friends and I) that still happens, it happens because the person in question actively sought help in improving their own confidence by getting "dolled up." The dynamic in a romantic relationship is a little different from a platonic one.

Hannah, as for advice, I think Thunderstorm offered something pretty solid. You can break up with her without being specific as to why and I think it'll end alright for both of you.

[TheGentleHerbivore]

I'm not entirely sure what advice to give seeing as I don't find anyone particularly attractive, myself. Maybe it's because I'm asexual, maybe it's just me, I don't know.

But I feel like if you have strong emotional feelings for her (for instance if she's a very good person and you love her personality), then I feel like that should matter more than her appearance does.

But I guess most people do like someone they can look at and think "Wow, she's beautiful.".

So lacking a personality good enough to outweigh her non-physical attractiveness could result in an inevitable end to your relationship.

So unless she's twice as beautiful on the inside as she isn't on the outside then it's probably best to end it now when you think she wont be hurt.

Then again I'm just some 15 year old with who has nearly no dating experience whatsoever, so what do I know? :P

[Dan1234]

If you're not sexually attracted to her at all why'd you go out with her in the first place?

But yeah, I'd probably end it with her. Everyone says how looks aren't an important factor when being in a relationship with someone, but in reality they are. As the person above me said, if you can't look at someone you're with and say/think 'You're beautiful', there's no point in being in a relationship.

[Leprous]

Well Hannah, I've had the same type of issue, but can't really give any advice because well...you know what happened in my previous relationship. I'd say the choice is up to you, you love her, so yeah, try to make the best out of it.

[Emerald Dream]

If anything, maybe you entered a relationship too quickly with this girl. Sometimes the desire to have a gf/bf in general trumps the need to be positive that you actually want to be with that person.

It's great that you like her so much and the personality is great, but if looks are important to you (even to the small level that you question your relationship because she is "ugly") then maybe you've acted to hastily in entering this relationship.

Hate to say it, because I know this means a lot to you - but I agree with people above me here. You don't have to be specific, but if you continue to be with her and have these feelings....it's kind of lying to both her and to yourself.

[Meh Guy]

There's been lots of good advice here. Any of these would probably work. I think the best thing to do is break it off, let her down lightly. Especially if she is attracted to you because the longer you let it go the harder it will be for her and the more chance of your group of friends suffering some.

[maniamsmart]

I think if you're at the point where you're trying to mold your partner into someone who's better suited for you, it's time to break up. That's manipulative and probably to some degree abusive. I think you're thinking of the classic scene where two close girl friends are doing each other's makeup, hair, etc. While (at least, between my friends and I) that still happens, it happens because the person in question actively sought help in improving their own confidence by getting "dolled up." The dynamic in a romantic relationship is a little different from a platonic one.

Hannah, as for advice, I think Thunderstorm offered something pretty solid. You can break up with her without being specific as to why and I think it'll end alright for both of you.

I don't see what's so manipulative and abusive about telling someone that they look pretty with their hair straightened instead of curled. That doesn't sound very much like "molding", rather more like expressing an opinion of preference, I didn't say force your partner to do something. My girlfriend asks me these things all the time, and sometimes I'll tell her things that I like, and she appreciates me telling her. After all, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Making each other happy? What I think is abusive and manipulative is telling someone how to act, telling someone to change their personality for your own benefit, or enforcing some sort of rule that is only beneficial for yourself.

I don't know the situation very well, which is why my post included questions towards the OP, about what she didn't like. My post suggested an idea that has worked for me and has worked for others. And if that's considered abusive and manipulative then I take a great offense to that, especially since my own relationship include that type of thing, and it's been going great for 3 years. Who knows, maybe her girlfriend isn't happy with herself either? There are a lot of unknowns here, so I don't think judging right off the bat is appropriate here; it is your opinion however, I just got really defensive over it, so sorry.

Anyhow, one thing I will agree with you on though is your latter post. The relationship may have been entered too soon. I do agree with you on that, and it would be wrong to continue to stay in it when it could affect both of them in a negative way, and risk losing that person forever. Perhaps it's best that they should just stay friends.

Whichever you chose to do Hannah, follow what your heart thinks is right. If you want to let her go, you aren't doing anything wrong by doing that. In fact, your are potentially saving her from further harm in the future. However, if you feel like you can approach her somehow, in a way that I described above, or feel that you can somehow get over what you're having trouble with, then all power to you.

[SethfromMI]

if you do let her down, as some have said, do it gently. don't even have to bring up it is over looks

[Luminous]

Thanks for all your advice, guys. Yesterday I found out she used to cheat on her ex. That was the last straw, so I broke up with her today. It went well and we're still going to be friends. Thanks again everyone.

[Body odah Man]

I am not physically attracted to my girlfriend. I like her for her personality, but I don't like looking at her in a sexual or romantic way and she is just not at all attractive to me. Honestly, she's kind of.. not so great looking. Obviously, this is an issue. I know people say looks don't matter but I already don't like looking at her, the only reason I like kissing her is because I can close my eyes and pretend she looks different. How am I ever supposed to do anything farther with her? I'm worried about breaking up with her because she is a part of my friend group and I don't want to lose any of my friends. I have not been with her long and I don't think breaking up would truly devastate her, but I've never broken up with anyone before and I just don't really know what to do. I keep going back and forth. I really like her personality, but.. I just don't find her attractive. Help?

No offense but if you can't stand her looks than I think you shuld just give it up. The situation sounds harmful to the relationship and can only lead to trouble in the end. If you can break beyond this repulsion due to her looks, then I'd keep the relationship. good luck

[TheGentleHerbivore]

Thanks for all your advice, guys. Yesterday I found out she used to cheat on her ex. That was the last straw, so I broke up with her today. It went well and we're still going to be friends. Thanks again everyone.

I'm glad everything worked out in the end.