Tesserax
January 31st, 2015, 11:36 AM
God I just need to get this off my chest. It's been bugging me for ages, and it really shouldn't but it is, so here it goes.
Throughout my life I've had really bad luck with girls. I'm 16, single (obviously, and a virgin too), never had a girlfriend in my life and I've been waiting for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I choose wisely, or at least my heart does. I get attached to qualities like kindness, beauty, personality, etc. Now the problem lies in the kind of luck I get when I get a crush, and I might need to go sort of into my life story here.
I was born in Malaysia with Chinese blood, but speaking English and moved to Australia when I was 4. I spent most of my childhood in Australia trying to fit in and adapt to the country, which was essentially my whole time in primary school, and year 7/8 before I was really Australian in nature. But along the way I had had crushes, but I was too busy being awkward and trying to fit in, and they just kept pushing me away and I just felt sort of lonely in the world, because a lot of the other kids started going out from quite early and I felt left out.
Anyway, the first real one that hurt me (only god knows why it was so painful) was a young girl named C (gonna keep the full name private). C is really beautiful, and she's quite nice and a really cool girl, and in year 7 I shared a German class with her. We got along well, and I think she sort of liked me back as well, but then one day disaster struck. I was a nerdy Asian kid who, naturally, was getting bullied. But I was taking lessons in Taekwondo so I was quite strong, and one day a couple of them were hanging over my locker. As I tried to get in, they kept slamming it shut, and when I finally got my bag out they slammed it one more time and whacked me over the head. I went nuts, and completely flipped out and hit the guy over the head. He was sent to the hospital, and everybody who was friends with the guy (including C) started to antagonize me. Now, C was my first real crush so I didn't know as well how to let it go, and I kept trying but she kept pushing me away and it just really hurt.
A few years past and I've healed back up from the initial trauma, and I've started to get ready to have feelings again. A girl named E, a really good friend of mine, was the next one I fell for. Again, similar traits; beautiful, personality, nice, etc. But this time the problem was she had a boyfriend and I didn't know, until I had grown really attached to her and saw them kissing during a rehearsal for presentation night. It wasn't as bad this time, it still hurt to watch them so happy together while I was alone, and I again tried to wait but it didn't happen. I had had the crush for about half a year, and still had it for the half year after I found out, but I eventually moved on.
Shortly after, like within a few months, I came to like her best friend T. T isn't as beautiful as the other two, but she's way goddamn prettier. Her face is just so happy and smiling all the time, and it's just lovely to see, be around and talk to her because it's always such a positive experience. I came to like her for this, and was feeling really good about it. I even convinced myself that I had a chance, but I started looking more carefully and saw things on facebook that gave me some doubt, but I continued nonetheless. A couple of months pass, and we're all at a friend's house for Halloween, and we're bored so we start playing truth or dare. Kind of obvious at this point that I spilled the beans, and shortly after I found out she was in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend N, who moved to America. Now I know these two quite well, and they're good friends of mine, though N not so much, but I was happy for them. I was happy for them, that they had such a strong bond at such a young age that could not be broken. And then I realized that I don't share that bond with anybody. This though has been haunting me for the last few months now, and I can't seem to shake it.
Anyway, time for the most recent one; a girl named R. During this holidays, I had a German program for Grammar that my mum made me go to. I was reluctant at first, but I came to like it. However, R was one of the other students, a really pretty German girl that was really nice and happy, and also couldn't speak German (I joked about it the whole time XD). Anyway, class went on, and everybody was talking (largely because I initiated talk between people :3) and it was really cool, and I found out that she was so much like me. It felt like we were a match made in heaven, and this first day I was already falling for her. The next day, we were working together on something the teacher made us do (lucky me), and I was joking around like "stop looking at me! I'm too ugly!", and she replies with "nononono don't say that! You're not ugly, like I would totally date you if I wasn't gay". A lesbian. I had a crush, on a lesbian. Just my luck I thought. The day after, I was alone with her on the tram, and we were talking and I confessed. She was cool with it, and we're good friends, though we don't talk much now cause we literally just spent 5 days together, 3 hours a day. But we're honestly surprisingly close for that small amount of time, probably because we have so much in common.
But the point of all this, is that I just feel downed (I skipped the minor crushes that I had, that were stupid and only based on look, or I was just stupid, but those hurt too) from all the dead ends I've run into. It's like trying to escape from a maze with no exit, all you do is keep trying but you run into dead end after dead end and you just have to turn around and give up each time. I just want somebody to be there for me, that I can be there fore, somebody to actually LOVE in all honesty. I just want to know what it's like to share that bond with somebody, to have that connection. But all I feel is sadness whenever I think about the subject.
Anyway, that's probably enough about my girl problems, I'm sure others have problems that far exceed mine, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't feel bad. I just needed to get this off my chest, to put down somewhere what I've been feeling (because I don't have a diary, I just come here to spill my thoughts).
Thanks if you took the time to read this through.
Throughout my life I've had really bad luck with girls. I'm 16, single (obviously, and a virgin too), never had a girlfriend in my life and I've been waiting for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I choose wisely, or at least my heart does. I get attached to qualities like kindness, beauty, personality, etc. Now the problem lies in the kind of luck I get when I get a crush, and I might need to go sort of into my life story here.
I was born in Malaysia with Chinese blood, but speaking English and moved to Australia when I was 4. I spent most of my childhood in Australia trying to fit in and adapt to the country, which was essentially my whole time in primary school, and year 7/8 before I was really Australian in nature. But along the way I had had crushes, but I was too busy being awkward and trying to fit in, and they just kept pushing me away and I just felt sort of lonely in the world, because a lot of the other kids started going out from quite early and I felt left out.
Anyway, the first real one that hurt me (only god knows why it was so painful) was a young girl named C (gonna keep the full name private). C is really beautiful, and she's quite nice and a really cool girl, and in year 7 I shared a German class with her. We got along well, and I think she sort of liked me back as well, but then one day disaster struck. I was a nerdy Asian kid who, naturally, was getting bullied. But I was taking lessons in Taekwondo so I was quite strong, and one day a couple of them were hanging over my locker. As I tried to get in, they kept slamming it shut, and when I finally got my bag out they slammed it one more time and whacked me over the head. I went nuts, and completely flipped out and hit the guy over the head. He was sent to the hospital, and everybody who was friends with the guy (including C) started to antagonize me. Now, C was my first real crush so I didn't know as well how to let it go, and I kept trying but she kept pushing me away and it just really hurt.
A few years past and I've healed back up from the initial trauma, and I've started to get ready to have feelings again. A girl named E, a really good friend of mine, was the next one I fell for. Again, similar traits; beautiful, personality, nice, etc. But this time the problem was she had a boyfriend and I didn't know, until I had grown really attached to her and saw them kissing during a rehearsal for presentation night. It wasn't as bad this time, it still hurt to watch them so happy together while I was alone, and I again tried to wait but it didn't happen. I had had the crush for about half a year, and still had it for the half year after I found out, but I eventually moved on.
Shortly after, like within a few months, I came to like her best friend T. T isn't as beautiful as the other two, but she's way goddamn prettier. Her face is just so happy and smiling all the time, and it's just lovely to see, be around and talk to her because it's always such a positive experience. I came to like her for this, and was feeling really good about it. I even convinced myself that I had a chance, but I started looking more carefully and saw things on facebook that gave me some doubt, but I continued nonetheless. A couple of months pass, and we're all at a friend's house for Halloween, and we're bored so we start playing truth or dare. Kind of obvious at this point that I spilled the beans, and shortly after I found out she was in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend N, who moved to America. Now I know these two quite well, and they're good friends of mine, though N not so much, but I was happy for them. I was happy for them, that they had such a strong bond at such a young age that could not be broken. And then I realized that I don't share that bond with anybody. This though has been haunting me for the last few months now, and I can't seem to shake it.
Anyway, time for the most recent one; a girl named R. During this holidays, I had a German program for Grammar that my mum made me go to. I was reluctant at first, but I came to like it. However, R was one of the other students, a really pretty German girl that was really nice and happy, and also couldn't speak German (I joked about it the whole time XD). Anyway, class went on, and everybody was talking (largely because I initiated talk between people :3) and it was really cool, and I found out that she was so much like me. It felt like we were a match made in heaven, and this first day I was already falling for her. The next day, we were working together on something the teacher made us do (lucky me), and I was joking around like "stop looking at me! I'm too ugly!", and she replies with "nononono don't say that! You're not ugly, like I would totally date you if I wasn't gay". A lesbian. I had a crush, on a lesbian. Just my luck I thought. The day after, I was alone with her on the tram, and we were talking and I confessed. She was cool with it, and we're good friends, though we don't talk much now cause we literally just spent 5 days together, 3 hours a day. But we're honestly surprisingly close for that small amount of time, probably because we have so much in common.
But the point of all this, is that I just feel downed (I skipped the minor crushes that I had, that were stupid and only based on look, or I was just stupid, but those hurt too) from all the dead ends I've run into. It's like trying to escape from a maze with no exit, all you do is keep trying but you run into dead end after dead end and you just have to turn around and give up each time. I just want somebody to be there for me, that I can be there fore, somebody to actually LOVE in all honesty. I just want to know what it's like to share that bond with somebody, to have that connection. But all I feel is sadness whenever I think about the subject.
Anyway, that's probably enough about my girl problems, I'm sure others have problems that far exceed mine, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't feel bad. I just needed to get this off my chest, to put down somewhere what I've been feeling (because I don't have a diary, I just come here to spill my thoughts).
Thanks if you took the time to read this through.