What to do?

[Gumleaf]

So the problem is with me and there is no denying that. Over the last few years I've had close friends and most of them have been girls. If you show me some care and love and take a genuine interest in my life, you have won me over and i'll be equally loving and caring back. But part of the problem with that for me is that i'm a really loyal friend from that point and will continue to be.

So what tends to happen is I end up having a great connection with these people, but a time comes when things change and circumstances change and all of a sudden that friend becomes very distant. This has happened a few times, but with one particular friend I've found it really hard to deal with at times even though it's been two years.

With this particular person she had been through some very difficult times and I had been there for her through that, and equally her with me despite her problems while I was clinically depressed and with my ongoing mild social anxiety. For the last couple of months that we talked frequently, I noticed how things were getting better for her and I was so happy for her. But then it happened, she told me one day that she had started dating a guy and again I was so happy for her. But what I wasn't ready for was the apparent end of our friendship like it had been. Since then we have talked here and there, but it's never been the same. I know what it's like when you enter a new relationship, and they become the centre of your attention. I get that and don't hold it against her at all.

But what she doesn't get and what others don't get is how effectively being dumped as a friend is so hurtful. The negative side of me sees this as a personal attack, being used in terms of being friends until everything is ok and i'm not needed anymore and stuff. When I think clearly about this and other times this has happened, i'm not so negative, but it still hurts. This particular friend I speak of I miss more than the others because of a few reasons, but she's not the only one who has done this. Also, I know she and the others didn't do it on purpose and I understand how life is. But it doesn't stop the hurt.

So with all that, does anyone have any ideas or thoughts on how to deal with this when it happens? I mean, when friends are hard enough to come by for me, putting myself in this position over and over just ends up creating more hurt for me, yet knowing myself like I do i'm likely to do it again. Like I said, i'm very loyal and if anyone of these past close friends all of a sudden started making contact again, I know I would talk to them straight away without giving it another thought. The whole thing sucks and i'm just over it. It certainly doesn't do the low self worth much good.

[Thunderstorm]

For the future, I would say you need to investigate people before you give them your trust and loyalty. Not everyone turns out how they seem at first glance. If someone confides in you before you confide in them, that's the sign of a good friendship. If you confide in them, yet they never do anything back, there's something fake about that person.

In terms of how to deal with people leaving, it's very hard for me to give advice. I've had friends leave for different reasons but not dating things. I think you should tell someone about what you are feeling, maybe another friend whom you actually trust. It seems like you're bottling up your feelings and becoming less social which will hurt you in the long run. You can't let one friend get you down, because there are plenty of others out there who want to make you happy. I wish you luck and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here!