Struggling for years and now considering suicide

[Emiil]

Hello.
I used to post on this forum for like 1-2 years ago. I was very depressed, but I still remained hopeful and thought things would get better. Roughly 2 years later nothing has changed. I cry every night. I barely go out anymore. I have lost all of my friends. My grades are not as good as they used to.

At this point, I'm really considering suicide. There is nothing for me here, and I feel so stupid for thinking that things would actually get better. I don't know what to do and I feel lost and lonely.

I want help. I want to know I tried everything I can before I take suicide.

Sorry if my post is weird. I didn't know where else to turn because I have absolutely no one to talk with.

[wonderland]

Hello.
I used to post on this forum for like 1-2 years ago. I was very depressed, but I still remained hopeful and thought things would get better. Roughly 2 years later nothing has changed. I cry every night. I barely go out anymore. I have lost all of my friends. My grades are not as good as they used to.

At this point, I'm really considering suicide. There is nothing for me here, and I feel so stupid for thinking that things would actually get better. I don't know what to do and I feel lost and lonely.

I want help. I want to know I tried everything I can before I take suicide.

Hey Emil,

First of all I think it's a good thing that you are wanting to get help to deal with these thoughts.
You didn't mention anything suggesting that you are receiving professional help? If you are not then I think it may be a good idea to look into it. Talking to somebody who knows how to help with these types of issues can be extremely beneficial so I would highly recommend looking into it.

If you want to talk more about what's bothering you then you're very welcome to send me a pm.

[Tesserax]

Emil, I have a little story if you'll bear with me through it. There was a poor man once, a lumberjack I believe (true story) who lived in a caravan. He wrote himself a cheque for $10,000,000 and kept it with him wherever he was, and wrote on it the date for 10 years after he did, and then he kept going with his life. In 10 year he was earning far more than that $10m that he promised himself, and the world soon knew the famous Jim Carey. He had nothing, but he pictured what he wanted, he pictured his goal and placed it in his own hands, even though it may have been fake, and he worked for it and received it. Picture what it is you want; your friends back, good grades, a girlfriend, a scholarship into the university you want, and what YOU WANT your life to be in 10 years. And then imagine what it would feel like, sound like, taste feel and look like. Imagine that you had it, and think about it constantly. And then do it. And you will, I've used this before, and it may take time and patience, but eventually it will work out. Just believe, and you will receive. I wish you the best of luck with lots of love from a stranger, peace :)

[Meh Guy]

Hey Emiil,

I'm sorry you feel this way. I come from the same place as you. Not too long ago I had tried to take my life. Didn't work, I guess from the one little ounce of sanity screaming in the back of my head 'Dont do it'. But I'm here to say, things do get better. They really do, I haven't even really changed much since my depression but I've just had some things go my way and others didn't, but they helped me see the awesome things. The point is, if you have smiled in he last two years, you have reason to live. If you've enjoyed anything, even the smallest thing, you have reason. And even if those two aren't true, you have a reason because other people do care and don't want to lose you.

Message me anytime if you need to talk about something :)

[Emiil]

Emil, I have a little story if you'll bear with me through it. There was a poor man once, a lumberjack I believe (true story) who lived in a caravan. He wrote himself a cheque for $10,000,000 and kept it with him wherever he was, and wrote on it the date for 10 years after he did, and then he kept going with his life. In 10 year he was earning far more than that $10m that he promised himself, and the world soon knew the famous Jim Carey. He had nothing, but he pictured what he wanted, he pictured his goal and placed it in his own hands, even though it may have been fake, and he worked for it and received it. Picture what it is you want; your friends back, good grades, a girlfriend, a scholarship into the university you want, and what YOU WANT your life to be in 10 years. And then imagine what it would feel like, sound like, taste feel and look like. Imagine that you had it, and think about it constantly. And then do it. And you will, I've used this before, and it may take time and patience, but eventually it will work out. Just believe, and you will receive. I wish you the best of luck with lots of love from a stranger, peace :)

that's the thing... i have no hopes or no dreams... i dont want to sound overdramatic but it's true

Hey Emiil,

I'm sorry you feel this way. I come from the same place as you. Not too long ago I had tried to take my life. Didn't work, I guess from the one little ounce of sanity screaming in the back of my head 'Dont do it'. But I'm here to say, things do get better. They really do, I haven't even really changed much since my depression but I've just had some things go my way and others didn't, but they helped me see the awesome things. The point is, if you have smiled in he last two years, you have reason to live. If you've enjoyed anything, even the smallest thing, you have reason. And even if those two aren't true, you have a reason because other people do care and don't want to lose you.

Message me anytime if you need to talk about something :)

That's what I used to tell myself, "thing will get better". It's been like 5 years now and everything is still shit.

[AceofSpades97]

Emiil

It's sad to see you so sad but don't do suicide it doesn't help anything and the only way it can go better is if you don't kill yourself. I know guys who planned suicide but then they got friend who got them out of that position and they are way happier now and not even thinking about suicide. Just have patience try to focus on school and making new friend but don't let it go so easily cause if you want a position with friends and good grades you gotta fight for it even if it seems useless never give up the fight cause you aren't a loser till you actually stop trying.

[Magenta]

That's what I used to tell myself, "thing will get better". It's been like 5 years now and everything is still shit.

Keep telling yourself that. I'm serious.

I joined this site when I was 15. I had already been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was about six years old. Yeah, I know. So that was what? Almost ten years? I tried to kill myself, I was self-harming really badly, I was in and out of the hospital several times.

I'm turning 20 this year. Another five years later... I've been in the hospital a few more times, I was self-harming again before that, I was back and forth between okay and my absolute worst, plus I had moved for the first time in my life and was trying to handle university and high school at the same time. I thought things could not get any worse. 15 years of this? Yeah, I really wanted to give up.

And then, suddenly, I really started asking for help. Pleading really. It was like everyone was telling me it would get better but I needed better NOW. It wasn't a snap of the fingers thing, as much as I wish it was, but it got there. 305 days later (I know because I stopped self-harming when I went into the hospital for help) I have a relatively stable medication for a severe personality disorder, I'm working out my anxiety medication, I gave up on therapy because it wasn't my thing but there were bits and pieces I kept with me. And my doctor said to keep the therapy book I was using and I glance at it from time to time. I took some time off from school after I graduated (and I never thought I would with my marks being so low... my teacher, who was excellent at working with mentally ill kids, got me back up to the 80s and 90s) and now I'm going through a bunch of job interviews to try to find something stable in the meantime.

I don't want to say you're going to grow out of it, because that's kinda what it sounds like for me. You may not. I'm going to have this illness the rest of my life. But I'm getting better at COPING with it. Coping strategies are what get you through these things, believe me. Find ones that work for you, find people who can teach you, and just try to remember that you will get better.

I have bad days. My grandfather just died. All I want to do? Sleep. But no, I have to get up, I have to do stuff like get the mail, bring in the garbage bins, shovel the damn driveway from hell. You get into a routine, especially as you get older. It helps.

If you ever want to talk, seriously just shoot me a PM. I appear offline but I check for PMs relatively frequently even if I'm just lurking the site. Keep your chin up, you'll be okay and I mean that.

[ImCoolBeans]

Suicide is not the right choice, ever. Your life is so precious, and is such a miracle, it would really be a tragedy to throw it away. I'm sorry that you've been feeling this way, and that you have been feeling this way for quite some time now. I know this is so cliché, and you probably don't want to hear it, but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Out of a darkness, must come light.

Life is really what you make of it. If you're upset with your life then you have the power to change it, and live it the way that you want to. If you can't change certain things because you're still living at home, or with parents/guardians, then you have to realize that you are on the cusp of starting your own life. Your journey has not even truly begun yet, don't cut it short before you get to really experience life, on your own terms.

that's the thing... i have no hopes or no dreams... i dont want to sound overdramatic but it's true

I don't want this to sound rude or rash by saying this, but maybe that is why you're unhappy with your life? Like I said before, life is really what you make of it. If you make a life full of hopes, dreams, goals, and fill it with things you love, then that sounds like a pretty good life. But if you let go of those things, and focus on the negatives, then it will seem pretty bad.

If you're not sure what your hopes and dreams are right at this very moment, that is ok. You have time to figure it out, and now is a good time to start.

I used to feel very similarly to how you're feeling, and came to the conclusion that perhaps I didn't really know my true self, or I was not actually representing my true self in my day to day life. I was trying to please other people, and trying to be "normal." I found out the hard way that it is really no way to live, and that you're only hurting yourself in doing so.

The moment you start focusing on being your best self, and start doing the best things for yourself, is the moment when your life will start to turn around; you will begin the process of becoming more self aware, and start on the path to happiness. None of this is an overnight fix -- it takes time, it takes will power, and it takes a certain amount of work.

You have had the perseverance to make it this far, so I know you're strong enough to continue on your journey. If you ever want to talk I'm always just a PM away, and I'm online every day. Keep your chin up, Emil, and maybe let today be the start of the new beginning of your life.

[HououinKiyoma]

Hello Emil, I dont know whether you will be amongst us when i write this post but if you can read this, I'l say dont waste your life. It is the only thing you have. People always have to face troubles, maybe not in the form that you are suffering but the point is you have to remain strong... There is a place for everyone on this planet... Maybe you could try picking up an instrument or listen to some cheerful music... Or better try and immerse yourself in some hobby..... Best of luck!

[Emiil]

And then, suddenly, I really started asking for help. Pleading really. It was like everyone was telling me it would get better but I needed better NOW. It wasn't a snap of the fingers thing, as much as I wish it was, but it got there. 305 days later (I know because I stopped self-harming when I went into the hospital for help) I have a relatively stable medication for a severe personality disorder, I'm working out my anxiety medication, I gave up on therapy because it wasn't my thing but there were bits and pieces I kept with me. And my doctor said to keep the therapy book I was using and I glance at it from time to time. I took some time off from school after I graduated (and I never thought I would with my marks being so low... my teacher, who was excellent at working with mentally ill kids, got me back up to the 80s and 90s) and now I'm going through a bunch of job interviews to try to find something stable in the meantime.

I don't want to say you're going to grow out of it, because that's kinda what it sounds like for me. You may not. I'm going to have this illness the rest of my life. But I'm getting better at COPING with it. Coping strategies are what get you through these things, believe me. Find ones that work for you, find people who can teach you, and just try to remember that you will get better.


I don't want to cope with it, I want it to be gone :( And sometimes I want to ask for help but I have no one. I have lost all my friends and I'm very distant towards my family and they are definitely not close to me.

[Emiil]

Suicide is not the right choice, ever. Your life is so precious, and is such a miracle, it would really be a tragedy to throw it away. I'm sorry that you've been feeling this way, and that you have been feeling this way for quite some time now. I know this is so cliché, and you probably don't want to hear it, but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Out of a darkness, must come light.

Life is really what you make of it. If you're upset with your life then you have the power to change it, and live it the way that you want to. If you can't change certain things because you're still living at home, or with parents/guardians, then you have to realize that you are on the cusp of starting your own life. Your journey has not even truly begun yet, don't cut it short before you get to really experience life, on your own terms.


I hate when people say that "Life is what u make of it". I have done everything in my power to change it and I'm still on square one, nothing has changed. Growing up won't help either because I hate everything that is social.


I don't want this to sound rude or rash by saying this, but maybe that is why you're unhappy with your life? Like I said before, life is really what you make of it. If you make a life full of hopes, dreams, goals, and fill it with things you love, then that sounds like a pretty good life. But if you let go of those things, and focus on the negatives, then it will seem pretty bad.

If you're not sure what your hopes and dreams are right at this very moment, that is ok. You have time to figure it out, and now is a good time to start.

I used to feel very similarly to how you're feeling, and came to the conclusion that perhaps I didn't really know my true self, or I was not actually representing my true self in my day to day life. I was trying to please other people, and trying to be "normal." I found out the hard way that it is really no way to live, and that you're only hurting yourself in doing so.

The moment you start focusing on being your best self, and start doing the best things for yourself, is the moment when your life will start to turn around; you will begin the process of becoming more self aware, and start on the path to happiness. None of this is an overnight fix -- it takes time, it takes will power, and it takes a certain amount of work.

You have had the perseverance to make it this far, so I know you're strong enough to continue on your journey. If you ever want to talk I'm always just a PM away, and I'm online every day. Keep your chin up, Emil, and maybe let today be the start of the new beginning of your life.
I honestly feel like I know my true self. I have known for a long time now that depression is a part of me and that it sucks, but it's so hard to live like this.
It's not like I want to sad and don't have any dreams, but that's the way it is. Every day of the last 5 years I have woken up feeling hopeless and shitty. And I think that's what I hate the most. Sometimes I'm sad and I cry, but most of the time I'm just numb and want to sleep and be in my bed all day.

[Magenta]

I don't want to cope with it, I want it to be gone :( And sometimes I want to ask for help but I have no one. I have lost all my friends and I'm very distant towards my family and they are definitely not close to me.

Living IS coping. It's not going to be gone. You have the power to look at the bad stuff in life and say "this is okay, I'm going to get through it" or you can decide it sucks and let that influence you're entire life. Life is gonna have bad shit happen and depression does make it worse. And I mean professional help. Family and friends are great if you have them but if you don't, you need someone else.

I hate to say it but growing up will help. You have Mike and I here basically telling you the same thing. Why? Because we've both been there and we've been friends for a few years now. Either one of us can tell you that we both know what we're talking about. When I was 15, I wanted nothing to do with adults who told me that my attitude was part of the problem. But, well, they were right. I still have a mental illness I'm gonna live for a long time but my attitude looking at that illness now is a lot better than it was years ago. I've accepted it, I've moved on, I decided I wanted to live and I made a really big effort to change the parts of me I didn't like in a healthy way.

[Emiil]

Sorry if I am too stubborn but that's how I am. I am thankful for everybodys help and advice.
Living IS coping. It's not going to be gone. You have the power to look at the bad stuff in life and say "this is okay, I'm going to get through it" or you can decide it sucks and let that influence you're entire life. Life is gonna have bad shit happen and depression does make it worse. And I mean professional help. Family and friends are great if you have them but if you don't, you need someone else.

I can't get professional help because then my family would have to know about it. They will often complain about me and they all, especially Dad, look down on me, and I don't want to give them another reason to dislike me :(

And it's really hard to say that "I'm going to get through it" and to try to focus on the good things, because there are no good things in my life! And sometimes, on very rare occasions when I do allow myself to be happy (was a few years ago now) the depression gets even worse and I'll get really bad anxiety attacks :(

[Magenta]

I can't get professional help because then my family would have to know about it. They will often complain about me and they all, especially Dad, look down on me, and I don't want to give them another reason to dislike me :(

And it's really hard to say that "I'm going to get through it" and to try to focus on the good things, because there are no good things in my life! And sometimes, on very rare occasions when I do allow myself to be happy (was a few years ago now) the depression gets even worse and I'll get really bad anxiety attacks :(

If you have a school counsellor or a free public health resource that you can go to, they are entirely confidential in most places unless you are a threat to yourself and others. Your parents do not have to know.

And I'm gonna give you a project. I started this project myself because ugh, the shitty stuff? Yeah, it outweighs the good at lot when you're stuck in that pit. Get a jar or a cup or a container or something that can hold little bits of paper. I personally use lucky stars (https://41.media.tumblr.com/6c86b5be929a7e960667828883e6af48/tumblr_mjn5opUOXh1s8vrwio1_500.jpg) for mine but that's 'cause I like artsy things and they're cute.

Every time something good happens, write it down and put it in the jar. Do this for a year. It's not about finding as many happy moments as you can if you don't want it to be. But it can be. Played a good video game? Write it down and put it in. Hell, got a new toothpaste you liked? Add that. Anything that made you feel just a little bit good. And don't tell me you never feel good because that is entirely untrue. You are naturally and biologically programmed to react well to things you like, even if depression makes it harder. So even if you only have like ten things in that jar, those are ten good things that happened. You can't say that there are no good things in your life and you can't say that you never felt any type of happiness at all.

It's not about allowing yourself to be happy. It's about taking every emotion as it comes and dealing with it in a healthy manner. Really, you're not going to get anywhere like this and I know because I've been there. I still am there from time to time and then I give myself a good figurative kick in the ass and tell myself that all the time I spent on self-pity is time I'm wasting. I have a whole five years of my life I regret because of an illness beating me. I make a conscious effort not to let that happen again. It's REALLY hard. I'm not gonna say it's easy. But you will get there, just little steps at a time. There's no instant cure and I'm sorry I can't tell you that there is.

Also, if you feel you need help with anxiety-reducing techniques, feel free to PM me. I have a whole list of them that help me when my medication isn't doing most of the work.

[Emiil]

You are naturally and biologically programmed to react well to things you like, even if depression makes it harder. So even if you only have like ten things in that jar, those are ten good things that happened. You can't say that there are no good things in your life and you can't say that you never felt any type of happiness at all.


You are right. I do get happy sometimes if I'm watching a good movie or something and they can sometimes leave me with a very happy feeling. But as soon as I leave my room all that vanishes in a second :(

It's not about allowing yourself to be happy. It's about taking every emotion as it comes and dealing with it in a healthy manner. Really, you're not going to get anywhere like this and I know because I've been there. I still am there from time to time and then I give myself a good figurative kick in the ass and tell myself that all the time I spent on self-pity is time I'm wasting. I have a whole five years of my life I regret because of an illness beating me. I make a conscious effort not to let that happen again. It's REALLY hard. I'm not gonna say it's easy. But you will get there, just little steps at a time. There's no instant cure and I'm sorry I can't tell you that there is.
You're definitely right, and to be honest I think I have dealt pretty well with all of this. I know I'm stuck and that's why I'm asking for help here. I sometimes wish I had someone to talk to in real life but there is, as I said earlier, no one. I don't know if a psychiatrist would help because it wouldn't feel genuine.
And you said that there are little steps at a time and that is what is so frustrating. Sometimes I feel like "well done you're actually getting better" but then something will happen and I have to start all over again. It feels like it's never going to end, and that is what bothers me the most.

[cookiemonstermatt]

Hello.
I used to post on this forum for like 1-2 years ago. I was very depressed, but I still remained hopeful and thought things would get better. Roughly 2 years later nothing has changed. I cry every night. I barely go out anymore. I have lost all of my friends. My grades are not as good as they used to.

At this point, I'm really considering suicide. There is nothing for me here, and I feel so stupid for thinking that things would actually get better. I don't know what to do and I feel lost and lonely.

I want help. I want to know I tried everything I can before I take suicide.

Sorry if my post is weird. I didn't know where else to turn because I have absolutely no one to talk with.

Hey buddy just wait. Please just wait. There's always hope. Sometimes it just takes awhile to appear. PLEASE talk to someone about this. At school, your grandparents, your friends' parents. someone. Please! Every life has meaning. Just give it time.