I fell in love with a straight friend

[jjj794]

So I'm 16 and I'm gay. I live in italy and being gay here is rather difficult, expecially at my age.

I'm very shy and since when I started high school 4 years ago I only got a few close friends. One of them is Tom (random fake name). He's the guy I spend most of my time with, mostly because we have the same interests and we have a similar personality.

However, after some time, I realized I felt a strong attraction to him, very different from what I had already experienced before. Every afternoon after school I can't wait to go to school the next day and see him again, and I would do everything to spend one more second with him. Every moment I spend with him, is not wasted.

But there's a problem: he doesn't know I'm gay and (probably) he's straight. I say probably because I have never seen him with a girl and he has never been engadged, but on the other hand I have found some evidence that he likes girls. So, basically, I have no chance of having a relation with him, even if I would kill to do so. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about this. You cannot turn straight people into gay.

However there's a decision I should take: wether come out or not. If I come out (without telling him I love him), there are three possibilities:
1) he is fine with me, he has no problems, and we remain friends as before. I'll try to accept that there will never be a relashionship between us but at least we will continue seeing each other.
2) (unlikely) he comes out too, and we're both super happy.
3) he doesn't accept me and he doesn't want to see me or to talk to me anymore.
Obviously, by coming out I'd have to run a big risk, and I'm very afraid of the third possibility, because I don't want to lose him.

On the other hand, if I don't come out, I'll remain in this limbo forever, I'll never know if he's really straight, and after school we'll probably see each other less and less frequently, until he'll almost forget about me.

So, should I come out and run the risk in your opinion? If yes, how? With a letter, with an SMS, or personally? And should I be direct? Or should I tell him something before?

[TheN3rdyOutcast]

Perhaps you should stick the proverbial toe in the waters to see if they're hot or cold. Ask questions like "What if I was gay?" without being TOO obvious (although you may not want to use that specific question, because I work with subtle social cues as well as a raging bull works with a China shop).

[orchadork]

bull in a china shop bad idea literally and figuratively.

I would wait it out try and gather more 'intel' if you will. What I'm trying to say is, just wait and see for now, wait until you are 100% sure he's straight or gay. If he's gay or Bi go for it, if not keep it in. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the safest way. Also one more thing if you do throw subtle hints bee careful, and think over the questions, and not all at once either.

[Pablo]

If you do come out and he doesn't accept you, he's not a good friend towards you. Make sure you're certain he's gay or bi before you come out though.

[jjj794]

Ask questions like "What if I was gay?" without being TOO obvious

I had never thought about doing this, but I think it would be a good way to start. Thank you!


wait until you are 100% sure he's straight or gay.

This is what I thought to do at first, but we spent three years and half of High School together, and only one and half is left. If within that amount of time I won't have figured out his sexual orientation, I would risk to lose the opportunity since I won't see him as often as now.



If you do come out and he doesn't accept you, he's not a good friend towards you.

This is absolutely true, but it doesn't mean that wouldn't make me suffer.

[jessie3]

I would suggest bringing up topics about gay guys or any thing LGBT related and see how he act's towards those topics. If his reaction is positive then i would come out but if it's negative i wouldn't come out.

[Living For Love]

I think you should probably try to determine whether he's accepting of the LGBT community and then, if he is, you could reveal your sexual orientation to him. Just make sure that you actually talk to him, face to face, if you decide to tell him. Don't do it via text message or letter.

[jssixna]

Well I doubt #2 will happen. The way you describe he most likely likes girls. Ask him what he thinks of gay people and if it's bad then think twice about telling him. If you tell him that you like him it'd probably be awkward for him or he might even avoid you. Be prepared for either a good or bad reaction. If you decide to tell him it should be in person. Good luck!

[jjj794]

Well, in these days I didn't find the right moment to talk with him about these things. However, today we did a survey at school, and there was a question which said:
"What would you do if one of your friends told you he is gay?"
a) I would slowly leave him and stop being his friend.
b) I would be ashamed of having a gay friend.
c) I would remain his friend, but it may be a problem.
d) I would support him and help him to face this situation.
The survey should have been anonymous, but I could see his answer, which was c).
Of course I'd better talk to him rather than rely on his answer of a stupid survey. Considering that for some reason no one of the boys of my class answered d) (probably they were just afraid to admit that), I'm just happy that he didn't answer a) or b).

Another thing to say, is that one of his friends is gay and he knows it, but he is fine with him. This makes me hope.

[LiamC]

To be fair surveys are not representative - they're hypothetical :) Real things are more emotionally arousing; often with big things like a close friend coming out you don't know who you'll feel until it actually happens. You can't say how you're going to feel exactly when answering a hypothetical question. So I'm sure he'll be fine, and if he's not then he isn't worth it as a friend. In my experience, some of my guy friends were kinda iffy with homosexuality prior to me coming out, but having experienced me being gay they get to realise it really doesn't make you any different. You're the same person as you were before, you just happen to like guys.

In fact, in my experience guys understand better than girls in a weird way but that's another story!

[ImCoolBeans]

I think you should probably try to determine whether he's accepting of the LGBT community and then, if he is, you could reveal your sexual orientation to him. Just make sure that you actually talk to him, face to face, if you decide to tell him. Don't do it via text message or letter.

I agree with Tiago. I think you should try to determine whether he is accepting of the LGBT community first, and if he is then I think you should come out to him. Also, in my experience, it is much more meaningful and personal to come out to somebody in person rather than over text/IM/not in person.