My experience with a LDR (Long Distance Relationship)

[Narco]

Hey, so I've barely used this site, and haven't been on it since early 2014. But my friend told me it's a good place to let out feelings. So here it goes:

August 15th 2013 -
I decided to check out this site called Topix. I went on the Human Sexuality Forum. I then proceeded to scroll through the posts and add usernames to my Kik. One of the guys I added was different. Yes, I said guy. Anyway, instead of just asking for sexual pictures (which I don't do), he actually talked with me.

Months later -
From that moment, we talked every day, at almost every free moment we had. We knew almost everything about each other, and the conversation never ran dry. I suddenly realised one day that I had fallen for him. Hard. I had been honest with him from the start, so I thought it best to mention this. Little did I know, the same had happened to him. Then it got to our year anniversary of talking. We were stronger than ever. We'd been planning for a few months to meet each other eventually, for you see, I lived in England, whilst he America. A 5 hour time gap wasn't a problem for us.
So, why am I writing this thread? In October 2014, his gramps died. But he didn't seem different from it. I didn't know, nor did he tell me how much it had effected him. That's the issue with text.

Now to the present. Here I am, on the 4th of January 2015 at 3:15AM writing about how on New Years Day, he told me he had got into a relationship with this girl who'd recently got out of a long-term thing. He asked if we could still be friends though.

It felt as if my body was ripped and my heart shattered. For the first time in years, I cried that night. And not the cry that's loud and lets out emotion, but the cry that's silent and feels as if every tear is a part of your soul leaking out. After all this time of promises and declarations of love, he simply got with a girl. So, I asked him why. He replied that after his gramps did die, he felt disconnected. The only times he felt normal were talking to me, and when he was with this girl. He then said he'll understand if I never want to speak to him again.

Now I'm sitting here. I haven't eaten properly in what would be now 3 days, and I can't sleep properly. I've even been sick 3 times. Every where I go, I see him. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Kik, my phone contacts, Instagram, Snapchat, the lot. I don't want to lose contact with him, because I never have liked losing friends. But I don't think if I keep in communication with him that I'll move on. I haven't spoken to him. I haven't spoken to anyone. I'm not out, so I couldn't if I wanted. I don't hate him for what he did. But I don't think I can forgive him for how he did it.

Who knows what the future will bring?

There's probably details I'm missing, or I've just omitted because they feel private to me.

This isn't a cry for attention, but more a way to vent my feelings, and maybe (if you choose), to read other experiences, as learning something about someone is always most fascinating.



If anyone (and that anyone could be you), too the time to read this, then I thank you for looking at this part of my life.

[Foamy]

Damn, thats awful how he did that. I would hate to be in your position. My opinion as to why it happened the way it happened I think is because of the distance. When his gramps died, it must have hit him extremely hard. This other girl was closer, and (I assume) may have been able to comfort him much more easily that you, with you being an entire continent away.

Its awful when someone you like so much seemingly turns you away like that. And seeing as you two have been talking for well over a year, it is going to take time for you to get over him. Can i tell you how long it will take you? Unfortunately, I cannot. I wish I could.

While I know getting over him is tough enough, I strongly urge you to try and keep your body healthy. Being sick three times in three days is awful for your physical health. I know there will be only so much you can do, but you need to do everything in your power to keep your body healthy.

Getting all of these feelings out was a great first step. However, I doubt that he knows exactly how you're feeling right now, even though no contact for a few days drops a pretty good hint. I suggest typing up something, be it one long text or whatever that describes basically everything thats gone through your head ever since it happened. Maybe if both of you knew each others' side of the story the better understanding for why it happened can help you just a little. If you're not comfortable doing so, at least something small, like a "hey, i need time before we can talk again" should be okay.

I hope everything ends up well in the end. If you ever need someone to vent to, you can talk to me.

[ImagineRepublicCity]

I don't know if you're asking for advice or anything, but I don't want to be intruding by telling you what to do about it all and everything, but if you ever need anyone to talk to, even though I've never really experienced this before, don't hesitate to message me c:

[Rallo]

this is from my personal experiences, your (and other readers) situation(s) may differ

A lot (I would say the majority of) LDRs which start purely online at a younger age without meeting are due to the love for attention. It's a great feeling having someone to talk to every moment of every day. No matter what you need or what you want to talk about, they're (almost) always there for you. It's someone that is there for you every waking moment of the day, and someone you return that favor to. You get addicted to the good feeling that comes with having someone there and having someone who constantly compliments you and lifts you up when you're feeling down. You have this feeling of I'm with someone now, nothing else in the world matters.

For a while, this is how things feel for both parties involved; they both need the other as much as the other needs them. It becomes this loop, almost like an addiction.. You just crave their attention, their compliments. To make the loop worse (or at least in my situation) you'll start feeding them compliments hoping for attention or compliments in return, in term feeding their similar addiction to you. They end up doing the same back, resulting in and endless loop.

After a while, one breaks free. This may be a slow process over a month where they break completely free of the need for this kind of attention, or, it may be more a case where they find the attention elsewhere and you're left feeling unneeded. No matter the case, it eventually ends; one breaks free and no longer has a need for the attention or compliments, whether it's due to someone else being there for them or they've overcome the need completely.

I'm not saying this is how every LDR is, though a fair few are, it becomes an endless need for around-the-clock attention. I've been in quite a few LDRs now, all have unfolded in the way explained above. (with the exception of the one I currently am in, though even it started out that way. We ended up taking a 6month break, dated other people in the time. Now we're back together and I'm making plans to meet her in a month or two. The jealousy and paranoia that comes along with LDRs is still there, though the major crave for their 24/7 attention and relying on her to be there for me around-the-clock is gone.)

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not at all saying it doesn't hurt like a bitch when they leave. I've felt the same feeling a few times, and fuck does it hurt! It leaves you (speaking from personal experiences) feeling unwanted, unneeded, useless... It's a fairly hard thing to deal with at first. The best advice I can give is to simply be thankful for the time you spent together, do grieve it, though at the same time move on and talk to other people. When I first tried to get out of the whole loop, I had 6 or 7 different persons I talked to simply to try and fill the needs she used to fill (be that attention, compliments, etc). Slowly over time I broke free of the whole loop and slowly talked to even those few people less, moving towards talking to friends (and even family) for those kind of needs. As a result you become a much more stable person, when your friends and family fill your needs for attention, compliments, friendly-affection, etc etc, you don't jump at the first person to show a real interest or give you a large amount of attention, confusing it for love.


Apologies for use of explicit language and apologies to anyone in an LDR whom this post offends. This is more speaking from my personal situation, OP's situation may be completely different.


tl;dr:
In my opinion (based on my many past LDRs), most LDRs are mainly just a crave for attention or to have the feeling that someone's there for you anytime you need them. Try finding friends or family members to replace this feeling. Find friends you're comfortable opening up to who are happy to listen. I was in a loop of one LDR ending, me craving the attention the last gave and moving onto someone else who could fill that attention-giving role, I broke free by replacing that role with friends/family members.