I don't understand myself

[perfectlykrispycandy]

hey, I'm still new to this..

i don't mean to sound overly dramatic or anything. But i have no idea what the hell i should do. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, because if i were, i would be in a much different position. However, in the past (last time was a month ago) I enjoyed causing myself to bleed with a razor, because it let me damage the piece of shit that is me. I may have pussed out with a couple really minor cuts, I really wish I did more. But then again, I'm too soft to be able to go any deeper.

That being said, I don't wanna kill myself. I may not see any value in my life in a rut, but suicide isn't my plan just yet. I'm also afraid of trains, my cousin killed himself on one.

I have a bunch hobbies to keep me off these thoughts. I play violin (I suck, but I've done it for a while). I used to play soccer and hockey (I also suck at these), and do sketches, which well, are relaxing. But what I find easiest is a little weed to smoke. The high might feel pretty cool, but what's best is being accepted by someone (who gives a shit if it's a dealer). That being said, I can't socialize.

If you've read this far, Thanks, and I'm ready for some hate. I have a gf too, but it's a fucked up relationship

[Wafflenado]

I'm very sorry to hear this :(
I'm not sure if I'd be any help to you, but I'd really like it if you PM'd me some time. Though I've never done it myself, I've had friends in the same position as you, and I'd like to think I helped them some :) if not, hey, we could at least be friends haha

[tasminsmith]

if your relationships fucked then talk to your gf about it as for cutting just think of the scars and why your doing it is it worth it? cause it probably isn't go practice violin even if you suck :)

[perfectlykrispycandy]

Thanks for all your support guys!!

I've thought about this a bit more... like i might feel really shitty all the time. I may not have any friends and spend alot of time alone. But the issue is myself. Cutting was dumb, cuz if i wanna hurt myself, might as well skip to ending this shit and killing myself. Cutting for me I think was just a poor excuse of trying to get attention (aha just like this post). But before I kill myself, I wanna work damn hard to make something positive before making this decision. I'm not gonna shit myself outta life just cuz I had alot of bad days. Like who gives a shit about friends, I could spend my time on more scholarly activities lol, and learn things i've always wanted to do. There's literally no point in letting the absence of people put me down, because fuck everyone.

and yea still with girlfriend. closer relationship. But really. We're in high school. I could say whatever stupid romantic shit I want to her, this'll never last. I mean the whole relationship can change from dead to stronger than ever if i just send a cheesy ass text. So better make the best of occasional hookups lol, and not get too attached.

[perfectlykrispycandy]

aight fuck it i'm hanging myself life is shit