I don't know what to do anymore

[mai-rin]

I've found myself in this state again - it's not even like a hole that I've found myself stuck in or a rut.It's been here the whole time, like fog around the edges.I say to myself that everything will be ok and that I have everything to live for ,yet I always find myself back in this position.Before now I went 90 days without being disruptive towards myself and I gave in and I don't know how to stop. All I can think about is cutting myself to shreds and it's scaring me.The last thing I want is to end up back in hospital again and ruin everything, but I don't know how to stop.All I've ever known is how to hurt and punish myself and it's like a mantra.I'll see my therapist, talk about my problems and i'll be fine.Then in between i'll go downhill again and end up like this, and it's becoming more frequent.I've been in a psych hospital twice and after coming out I always find myself getting like this and in between I have no safety net.Even the mental health hotlines never pick up the phone.I just don't see a point in anything, going out, continuing school or life.Eat,sleep breathe,work ,school.Repeat.For what though ? So every month I can find myself wanting to end it all.I can't see the point in this fucked up world.

It's worse when i'm alone at night like now.I can't talk to my family about anything or they'll tell me i'm failing and put me away again.I don't want to be locked up for how I am - I've never asked for all of this to happen to me and i've tried my best , but it's never good enough.No matter how hard I try I fail at everything.School, friends,life.

My family are asleep and I don't know what to do.

[orchadork]

Did you forget about this? it's in your signature :P

Catch me if you can, it's like catching smoke with your bare hands.I'll always have the upper hand.I'll be just that much faster.It's not about strength.It's about sheer will.

When you can leave their house you'll be free, you can do what you want, just stick to it for now. It's hard I know. My life motto is: RP is a bitch, but RL is a bigger one. To understand this you must know I Role Play on other forums. RL means real life if you don't know.

Basically stick to the phrase in your sig. We are all here for you if you need someone to talk to. You can kik me if you want just PM your kik and we can talk :D

Hope I was able to help you