mai-rin
December 28th, 2014, 06:28 AM
This may be a little confusing so bare with me.
I moved to a girls school this year as I was homeschooled for a while.I found an amazing group of friends who accepted me for who I was and always put a smile on my face.One of them S, more so than the others.At first it was more of a really good friendship; we are both part of the lbgt umbrella and have been through the same stuff - so we both understand eachother really well.She came to my house with the others on my birthday, everything went fine until one of my good friends from cadets mentioned something about rape and that sent me over the edge.I just walked out and locked myself in the toilet.S twigged straight away, even though at that point none of them knew about what had happened to me.She convinced me to unlock the door and she just sat silently holding my hands.I felt so safe and calm.We both went back into the livingroom and she slept on my mattress with me and held me tight as I was crying, we both fell asleep like that.I've never felt safer.The next day I went downhill again once she had gone and ended up hurting myself bad, so I was taken to a&e and sent home again.Then on the monday I was taken to a&e again by police as I was in a bad state.Following that I was put in a teen psychiatric unit.The only person I could think about the whole time was her.I felt so guilty and was worried that she might do something too.
Once I was out It took a few weeks for school top let me back.So I just sat at home for a while doing nothing.Then when I got back to school everything seemed to be ok again, all my friends were so happy to see me.F turned around and pounced on me knocking me to the floor ,she was crying her eyes out hugging me.The others were pretty happy to see me too.I tried to continue as normal, me and s 'flirted' (as some described it) as we usually did.Each day I liked her more and more.I like her sort of messy hair, her big glasses, homestuck obsession, even her jokes.Just everything about her is amazing.Most of all her big heart and ability to calm me.I finally admitted to F that I liked S, and I decided to finally tell her.Once lunch I asked if I could speak to her in the hall alone, I stood for 10 mins saying 'um' and 'urr' shaking and stuttering from nervs.She just smiled at me confused.I finally told her that I liked her and my shaking got worse.I felt sick.She said it was all ok and there was nothing to apologize for and that she felt the same.I knew she had a boyfriend already, hence why it took me so long to come forward and say something (I didnt want to ruin their relationship) Thats why all I did was admit my feelings and not ask her out.
Things became awkward between us very quickly though, and we started to not talk.There was a discussion and she mentioned that this girl kissed her frequently and laughed.I just got up and walked off.I didnt want to hear about it.I felt sick to the stomach - and yes this was jealously.She'd been talking to F about the whole situation and was very confused just as I was. Because we hadn't been talking she and I started assuming things and everything became a bit tense.I decided to write her a letter explaining everything.I took it upstairs to her form at school and she came outside and hugged me saying everything was ok.Later on someone read it to her (she cant read my cursive writing) she didnt mention anything about it to me.Things seemed fine though.I think everything is kind of back to normal, but I'm still conufused.When I say I like her, I mean I want to keep her safe from everything because to me she is fragile like glass and i'm scared she'll break.I want to see her smile and to cherish her.I think I love her and every moment i'm not there I worry and want to be by her side.I'm just worried that me being around her is what's causing her discomfort.
When she said she liked me too I was in shock.I prepared myself for two outcomes.I don't like you like that go away or I don't like you in that way, but we can still be friends and everything is fine.Not I like you too and theres no need to worry.So when things became awkward it was hard to see why considering how well she had reacted.I'm wondering whether she just said that to make me happy.But saying that against her makes me feel terrible.
Does anyone have any insight ? I'm just so lost
I moved to a girls school this year as I was homeschooled for a while.I found an amazing group of friends who accepted me for who I was and always put a smile on my face.One of them S, more so than the others.At first it was more of a really good friendship; we are both part of the lbgt umbrella and have been through the same stuff - so we both understand eachother really well.She came to my house with the others on my birthday, everything went fine until one of my good friends from cadets mentioned something about rape and that sent me over the edge.I just walked out and locked myself in the toilet.S twigged straight away, even though at that point none of them knew about what had happened to me.She convinced me to unlock the door and she just sat silently holding my hands.I felt so safe and calm.We both went back into the livingroom and she slept on my mattress with me and held me tight as I was crying, we both fell asleep like that.I've never felt safer.The next day I went downhill again once she had gone and ended up hurting myself bad, so I was taken to a&e and sent home again.Then on the monday I was taken to a&e again by police as I was in a bad state.Following that I was put in a teen psychiatric unit.The only person I could think about the whole time was her.I felt so guilty and was worried that she might do something too.
Once I was out It took a few weeks for school top let me back.So I just sat at home for a while doing nothing.Then when I got back to school everything seemed to be ok again, all my friends were so happy to see me.F turned around and pounced on me knocking me to the floor ,she was crying her eyes out hugging me.The others were pretty happy to see me too.I tried to continue as normal, me and s 'flirted' (as some described it) as we usually did.Each day I liked her more and more.I like her sort of messy hair, her big glasses, homestuck obsession, even her jokes.Just everything about her is amazing.Most of all her big heart and ability to calm me.I finally admitted to F that I liked S, and I decided to finally tell her.Once lunch I asked if I could speak to her in the hall alone, I stood for 10 mins saying 'um' and 'urr' shaking and stuttering from nervs.She just smiled at me confused.I finally told her that I liked her and my shaking got worse.I felt sick.She said it was all ok and there was nothing to apologize for and that she felt the same.I knew she had a boyfriend already, hence why it took me so long to come forward and say something (I didnt want to ruin their relationship) Thats why all I did was admit my feelings and not ask her out.
Things became awkward between us very quickly though, and we started to not talk.There was a discussion and she mentioned that this girl kissed her frequently and laughed.I just got up and walked off.I didnt want to hear about it.I felt sick to the stomach - and yes this was jealously.She'd been talking to F about the whole situation and was very confused just as I was. Because we hadn't been talking she and I started assuming things and everything became a bit tense.I decided to write her a letter explaining everything.I took it upstairs to her form at school and she came outside and hugged me saying everything was ok.Later on someone read it to her (she cant read my cursive writing) she didnt mention anything about it to me.Things seemed fine though.I think everything is kind of back to normal, but I'm still conufused.When I say I like her, I mean I want to keep her safe from everything because to me she is fragile like glass and i'm scared she'll break.I want to see her smile and to cherish her.I think I love her and every moment i'm not there I worry and want to be by her side.I'm just worried that me being around her is what's causing her discomfort.
When she said she liked me too I was in shock.I prepared myself for two outcomes.I don't like you like that go away or I don't like you in that way, but we can still be friends and everything is fine.Not I like you too and theres no need to worry.So when things became awkward it was hard to see why considering how well she had reacted.I'm wondering whether she just said that to make me happy.But saying that against her makes me feel terrible.
Does anyone have any insight ? I'm just so lost