RJx_Writer
December 12th, 2014, 10:13 PM
I think I'm going crazy, but I don't know in what way. Depersonalization? Anxiety?
Basically, I've recently been having trouble coping with life and society in general. I don't have depression, I don't know what it is, is more like dissociation. I used to have social anxiety, or extremely shyness, and so I was an introvert, and that made me extremely depressed. After a year I ended up accepting that I had social anxiety and got used to it, but still I was terribly depressed. I still wanted to be social. But after I started my first year of high-school, the depression immediately vanished, and with it the social anxiety. I became extremely joyful and energetic, to the point of mania. I started talking to a lot of people, and found energy in doing so. I had become an extrovert.
This is how I still am, it's been nearly four months now. I still become depressed occasionally, but my norm is that mania. But now I feel like this is all too much for me. I don't like this change. I almost adore what I've become, social, charismatic, charming, joyful, energetic, outgoing, etc. But for some reason, deep down, I want to be alone in society again, without the stress of a social life and hearing others drama. I want to be a loner again, or what I call an outcast. Gradually I have been watching myself become detached from society and from my own life. I started occasionally walking away from my group of friends at school to walk around or just be alone, and then I started doing it more frequently. And now I've completely left my group during lunch and started hanging out with a completely different one, one consisting of people I hardly know.
I just can't stand the same thing happening over and over again every single day. Routine and strict schedule everyday, it drives be mad. I feel like I'm slowly turning into a different person, with a different life. Or maybe I'm becoming my old self, the shy, lone, outcast me. I became a different person when high-school started, maybe what I've become is the wrong me? I feel like I'm going to break and completely run away from my life and society, leave everything behind, school, home, friends, family, everything. I've had brief moments while riding home from school where I seriously considered turning around and going in a different direction, to some unknown destination. During these moments I practically black out, and am unaware of what I had been doing. I've done some uncharacteristic things is this state. But then my reasoning gets the better of me, and I tell myself that I will ruin my life if I do that. "What life?" I ask myself. "Where is my life headed? Is this even my life?"
Basically, I've recently been having trouble coping with life and society in general. I don't have depression, I don't know what it is, is more like dissociation. I used to have social anxiety, or extremely shyness, and so I was an introvert, and that made me extremely depressed. After a year I ended up accepting that I had social anxiety and got used to it, but still I was terribly depressed. I still wanted to be social. But after I started my first year of high-school, the depression immediately vanished, and with it the social anxiety. I became extremely joyful and energetic, to the point of mania. I started talking to a lot of people, and found energy in doing so. I had become an extrovert.
This is how I still am, it's been nearly four months now. I still become depressed occasionally, but my norm is that mania. But now I feel like this is all too much for me. I don't like this change. I almost adore what I've become, social, charismatic, charming, joyful, energetic, outgoing, etc. But for some reason, deep down, I want to be alone in society again, without the stress of a social life and hearing others drama. I want to be a loner again, or what I call an outcast. Gradually I have been watching myself become detached from society and from my own life. I started occasionally walking away from my group of friends at school to walk around or just be alone, and then I started doing it more frequently. And now I've completely left my group during lunch and started hanging out with a completely different one, one consisting of people I hardly know.
I just can't stand the same thing happening over and over again every single day. Routine and strict schedule everyday, it drives be mad. I feel like I'm slowly turning into a different person, with a different life. Or maybe I'm becoming my old self, the shy, lone, outcast me. I became a different person when high-school started, maybe what I've become is the wrong me? I feel like I'm going to break and completely run away from my life and society, leave everything behind, school, home, friends, family, everything. I've had brief moments while riding home from school where I seriously considered turning around and going in a different direction, to some unknown destination. During these moments I practically black out, and am unaware of what I had been doing. I've done some uncharacteristic things is this state. But then my reasoning gets the better of me, and I tell myself that I will ruin my life if I do that. "What life?" I ask myself. "Where is my life headed? Is this even my life?"