[EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING] I think I've finally lost it!

[Karkat]

Ok, so I'm about to admit something I'm extremely ashamed of.

...I fantasize of someone beating me. Like on a regular basis. I want someone to overpower me and beat the tar out of me. Rape me. Maybe even eventually kill me. I am an EXTREME masochist at times, and it seems to especially come out when I'm feeling down...Like some sort of twisted coping mechanism.

So um, recently, Charlie has decided he doesn't want to be...Involved with me anymore. (We were never officially together, so)

For those of you who don't know who Charlie is, Charlie is my best friend. We developed feelings for each other a few months ago, and kinda started to wonder how we might be together idk. We were kinda FWB and stuff too. I ended up falling in love with him, and now I feel trapped.

There are two things running through my mind tonight.

1. I'm going to kill myself (and I still might)
2. I want him to kill me. I want him to beat the crap out of me, rape me, and kill me.

I have never had these kinds of thoughts before in my life.
I have been suicidal for about ten years or so, but never in my life have I directly wanted someone I knew to kill me.

Is this some sort of sick coping mechanism?? Am I having (yet another) nervous breakdown?? (Quite possibly) what am I even supposed to do now??!

Help me

Edit: I would also like to include that I was abused and raped by a boyfriend when I was 13. He's also threatened to kill me multiple times, as have other people in my life. Could this have anything to do with it?

[CharlieHorse]

Ren, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. :(
Right now, you need to understand that we can work through this. Seeking help and posting here is already fantastic and strong of you. If you feel like you need to get some sort of quick calm down, focus on relaxing your body. Lay down and relax every muscle. Breathing in and out to your lungs' full capacity is also good. It helps me a lot.

Of course I'm not a professional, but if I was I'd ask some questions. As always, your comfort level is the most important thing here. :)
In regards to this fantasy of abuse, how long have you experienced these thoughts?
Behind this fantasy, is there any sort of benefit you may recognize besides a suspected coping mechanism?
You mentioned you're a masochist, so does that mean that you experience sexual arousal from the fantasies?
Have you ever been to a therapist, psychiatrist, or other psychologist? If so, have you talked about these things with them? They would best be able to give help.

A potentially traumatic event such as the abuse you experienced with your earlier boyfriend could cause some ripples. I could imagine that the abuse could make you subconsciously expect the abuse when you feel down, but your mind would rather want it in it's worst then fear it. Of course this is speculative of me, as I have no way of knowing other aspects of the relationship. Maladaptive coping is a real thing, and it's very treatable. There's definitely hope and help :)

I'm curious, and I imagine you are too, as to what you said in "#2": that you've never had someone you knew to be involved in those thoughts.
Do you imagine that Charlie would do that to you, and therefore you want or expect it?

__
I'm starting to realize that this may not be very helpful immediately. Sorry :/ I just feel that with complicated feelings, it's important to explore aspects of it to find meaning. I seem to try to analyze thoughts a little too much.

[Karkat]

Ren, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. :(
Right now, you need to understand that we can work through this. Seeking help and posting here is already fantastic and strong. If you feel like you need to get some sort of quick calm down, focus on relaxing your body. Lay down and relax every muscle. Breathing in and out to your lungs' full capacity is also good. It helps me a lot.

Of course I'm not a professional, but if I was I'd ask some questions. As always, your comfort level is the most important thing here. :)
In regards to this fantasy of abuse, how long have you experienced these thoughts?
Behind this fantasy, is there any sort of benefit you may recognize besides a suspected coping mechanism?
You mentioned you're a masochist, so does that mean that you experience sexual arousal from the fantasies?
Have you ever been to a therapist, psychiatrist, or other psychologist? If so, have you talked about these things with them? They would best be able to give help.

A potentially traumatic event such as the abuse you experienced with your earlier boyfriend could cause some ripples. I could imagine that his abuse could make you subconsciously expect the abuse when you feel down. A sort of conditioning perhaps. Of course this is speculative of me, as I have no way of knowing other aspects of the relationship.

I'm curious, and I imagine you are too, as to what you said in "#2": that you've never had someone you knew to be involved in those thoughts.
Do you imagine that Charlie would do that to you, and therefore you want or expect it?

__
I'm starting to realize that this may not be very helpful immediately. Sorry :/ I just feel that with complicated feelings, it's important to explore aspects of it to find meaning. I seem to try to analyze thoughts a little too much.

I'd say the fantasies have probably been limited to this year or so.
I can't really think of any other way the fantasies would benefit me.
Yes, I am sexually aroused by them, but part of me is also repulsed by this. It also has a tendency to bring on a panic attack or flashback...
I go to a psychiatrist, but I've never told anyone. I've told my psychiatrist about being raped, and he sort of brushed it aside...So I'm not keen to discuss anything like that anymore.

I'd never imagine Charlie to do this to me. Charlie is one of the last people on this earth that I would expect to do such a thing. He is so loving, protective, compassionate...I could go on.

Thanks for answering. I'm calming down a bit now, but I'm still really out of it.

[CharlieHorse]

I'd say the fantasies have probably been limited to this year or so.
I can't really think of any other way the fantasies would benefit me.
Yes, I am sexually aroused by them, but part of me is also repulsed by this. It also has a tendency to bring on a panic attack or flashback...
I go to a psychiatrist, but I've never told anyone. I've told my psychiatrist about being raped, and he sort of brushed it aside...So I'm not keen to discuss anything like that anymore.

I'd never imagine Charlie to do this to me. Charlie is one of the last people on this earth that I would expect to do such a thing. He is so loving, protective, compassionate...I could go on.

Thanks for answering. I'm calming down a bit now, but I'm still really out of it.

A flashback? To the sexual assault?

I might be completely ridiculous and making assumptions, but i'm thinking that a trauma with sex can cause one to associate the abuse with sexual arousal. Perhaps this emotional event with Charlie can trigger the same sort of response of distress that the trauma or abuse or even other stressors can cause.
From there, emotional and/or sexual attachment to him can cause you emotional stress which is similar to a response to trauma or abuse with sexual arousal. Your mind makes fast connections, and sometimes makes an absurd connection just for a moment, but it is enough for us to be fascinated by the absurd idea, however horrible, and then even consider it. :/
Maybe i could word that better :/
Perhaps he hurt you with this breakup and, like other times when you're down, you're reminded of this arousal-trauma. But because you loved him, he falls in an even more parallel place to the arousal-trauma concept.

When you think about the fantasy, did you ever have the thought of you deserving the abuse?

__
Sorry, am I being too weird about this? :/

[Karkat]

A flashback? To the sexual assault?

I might be completely ridiculous and making assumptions, but i'm thinking that a trauma with sex can cause one to associate the abuse with sexual arousal. Perhaps this emotional event with Charlie can trigger the same sort of response of distress that the trauma or abuse or even other stressors can cause.
From there, emotional and/or sexual attachment to him can cause you emotional stress which is similar to a response to trauma or abuse with sexual arousal. Your mind makes fast connections, and sometimes makes an absurd connection just for a moment, but it is enough for us to be fascinated by the absurd idea, however horrible, and then even consider it. :/
Maybe i could word that better :/
Perhaps he hurt you with this breakup and, like other times when you're down, you're reminded of this arousal-trauma. But because you loved him, he falls in an even more parallel place to the arousal-trauma concept.

When you think about the fantasy, did you ever have the thought of you deserving the abuse?

__
Sorry, am I being too weird about this? :/

Yeah

That makes sense.

Oh absolutely. I felt 100% deserving of it.

Nah, you're fine.

[CharlieHorse]

How are you feeling today?

[Karkat]

How are you feeling today?

Like shit, but better than last night.