I can't stop been self destructive Ranting

[Dark_Desires]

I'm not even sure why i'm writing this besides venting so yeah.

The past week has been a living nightmare.I'm really suicidal again and
i have had 2 small suicide attempts both of which failed [which makes me feel even more suicidal for failing to kill myself] and i'm cutting worse and worse.
I don't know what is wrong with me right now i keep pushing everyone away my friends my best friend just everyone.I just can't seem to stop and get any better i tried been positive and to get help and get better.It failed like everything i do do go figure.

Tonight i just wanted to slash my wrists and i did and barely missed the vein which fucking annoys me because i failed at trying to kill myself like how hard do i have to push the blade in and slash fuck.And now i'm sitting here wishing i went deeper and didn't fail.To top it off i triggered my best friend to cut because i was honest with her.So i'm not just a failure with myself i am with other people to.

Edit forgot to add the previous night i tired to OD with my meds but failed cause i passed out woke up and my
body kinda went in auto pilot survivalist mode its hard to explain.

Right now i just want to be dead and i'm pretty much done i give up.
I tried living in this nightmare for 18 years.
People say oh but it get's better but i don't want to to anymore i'm to sick of tired and fighting.
Maybe it sounds like i'm whining but isn't it my choice when enough is enough?.

I'm pretty much just ranting nonsense here my thoughts are a mess.
I don't expect anyone to reply or read this but if you do thanks.

[Mob Boss]

Hi,

This has been a week. One week. There are roughly 52 of the things in a year. And, say you live to be 75 -- you'll have 3,900 of the things in a lifetime. And this is...one. Perhaps one shitty one. And perhaps there were a few leading up to it. But life is not defined by one week. It is defined by hundreds, thousands of weeks and what you do with them. You'll have worse weeks, that is almost a given. Then you'll have weeks that are the best of your life. I know you said you've gotten help, but we are unique creatures. Various methods work on various people. Meaning through trial and error, perhaps you'll find a method -- be it therapy along with an antidepressant or mood stabilizer or simply therapy or even a specific kind of therapy -- that works for you. Just because you've searched for help and have yet to receive it does not mean it is an unattainable thing. If you're in high school, I'd advise seeking out your school counselor. If you're in college, most colleges have on campus counselors. There are multiple at my college, and work essentially around the clock to aid students with emotional or social stressors, or whatever it may be. If a school counselor is unavailable, seek out a good therapist. I know depression or topics like suicide are extremely tough to tell parents, but I GUARANTEE your parents would rather know than not. They can help you seek help. Until you are able to get professional help, you can help yourself. Journaling is surprisingly therapeutic. If you have a hand, a pencil and paper, it can be done.

Another thing -- not succeeding in killing yourself does not make you a failure. It makes you a survivor. Our bodies and minds are wired to be survivalist. We cling to every bit of life we have in us. And suicide by means of cutting is actually very hard to achieve. I'm not condoning this by any means. What I'm saying is you are not a failure. You are amazing. You have life. You can do ANYthing with this life. The possibilities are LITERALLY endless. In 5 years, you could have changed the world and looked back to this week, and the suicide attempts, with a heavy heart that you were ever in such a place. Stay safe.

[Dark_Desires]

Hi,

This has been a week. One week. There are roughly 52 of the things in a year. And, say you live to be 75 -- you'll have 3,900 of the things in a lifetime. And this is...one. Perhaps one shitty one. And perhaps there were a few leading up to it. But life is not defined by one week. It is defined by hundreds, thousands of weeks and what you do with them. You'll have worse weeks, that is almost a given. Then you'll have weeks that are the best of your life. I know you said you've gotten help, but we are unique creatures. Various methods work on various people. Meaning through trial and error, perhaps you'll find a method -- be it therapy along with an antidepressant or mood stabilizer or simply therapy or even a specific kind of therapy -- that works for you. Just because you've searched for help and have yet to receive it does not mean it is an unattainable thing. If you're in high school, I'd advise seeking out your school counselor. If you're in college, most colleges have on campus counselors. There are multiple at my college, and work essentially around the clock to aid students with emotional or social stressors, or whatever it may be. If a school counselor is unavailable, seek out a good therapist. I know depression or topics like suicide are extremely tough to tell parents, but I GUARANTEE your parents would rather know than not. They can help you seek help. Until you are able to get professional help, you can help yourself. Journaling is surprisingly therapeutic. If you have a hand, a pencil and paper, it can be done.

Another thing -- not succeeding in killing yourself does not make you a failure. It makes you a survivor. Our bodies and minds are wired to be survivalist. We cling to every bit of life we have in us. And suicide by means of cutting is actually very hard to achieve. I'm not condoning this by any means. What I'm saying is you are not a failure. You are amazing. You have life. You can do ANYthing with this life. The possibilities are LITERALLY endless. In 5 years, you could have changed the world and looked back to this week, and the suicide attempts, with a heavy heart that you were ever in such a place. Stay safe.

I feel bad that someone wrote all this when if i explained things better and provided more back story you wouldn't have wasted so much time.
I'm just going to reply to this in order best i can.

Its not just one week i have been Suicidal and self harming for so freaking long my life has been a never ending nightmare and now that things are better i'm trapped in my own nightmare.
I have had 3-4 Counselors and 1 Psychologist and it never really worked out or helped.

I'm not in High School or college,I work a stressful job at a Animation Studio which is next to a mental Hospital go figure.And i study at Tafe which is similar to college in ways but your more just there to study then anything else so not a option.
I had a Psychologist 4 months ago but it didn't work for me at all it just felt like a waste and it helped in no way even tho i really wanted it to and to get better.

I only have a mother and She knows about my Depression suicidal thoughts self harming and self loathing but the past couple of years i have gotten a lot better at hiding it.I can't really talk to her either we have had a complex mother son relationship and she has her own mental problems to + me trying to talk to anyone is extremely difficult its near impossible sometimes idek can't answer why.

People say cutting the wrists and Veins near the elbow isn't very effective but 2 people i used to know did it and are dead.
I guess next time i just have to cut deeper or overdose if it doesn't work.

If you new me and all the awful things i have done and said and all the times i have screwed up and not learned my lesson you would agree with me thinking i'm a screw up or my personal favorite fuck up.

Thanks for reading my long rant and maybe this.