Remora
December 8th, 2014, 04:45 AM
I've been looking to get back here. :3
A little bit about myself, I guess.
The beginning of everything- my birth, of course, went as it was supposed to other than the fact I hesitated birth for two weeks until I finally left the body of what is now my mother.
The earliest years of my youth were natural. I learned how to walk, I learned how to talk and I learned a wide variety of other things. The only “odd” thing back then was that I, just like my father, did not go to any barbers or stylists, and as such I had accumulated way longer hair than most other people my age. Back then, it was curled and messy.
I remember a fun little game my grandmother liked to play with me. I used to love water- I still do! I loved opening the faucet at my elders’ place and play with the water running out. I’d fill cups with water and throw the water into the drain as hard as I could (which of course wasn’t quite hard, I was merely 3 years old back then) and eventually my grandmother would close the valve and the water would stop running. “The water’s gone,” she’d say, “You used all of it.” As naïve as I was, just a little boy, I believed her and I would always be overcome by feelings of guilt, constantly apologizing to her (but shamelessly proceeding to play with the water the next time I visited anyways).
That was quite a few years ago- about 12 years, in fact. But of course, as time passes, people change, they grow, they learn new things and forget about old things, they grow wiser. Most of them, at least. Of course there are exceptions. I mean, look at me back then. My development was slower than most others’ because I found it hard to befriend people and I was just a little bit timid back then. Even until the day of today the people surrounding me have no clue why, although it had been speculated that it had something to do with the fact I never visited the playschool, as opposed to my three older sisters and older brother having spent their first years there. By the time the four of them were born, my father had quit his job to take care of the children. As such, he didn’t find it necessary to take me to the crèche and I stayed home instead.
I was only 3 when I started attending school. Once again, I was an exception. You’ll usually find people have to be at least 4 years of age when they start getting education, but as my birthday would happen about half a month after the first day of school I had been allowed in anyways. I was the youngest in that class, similarly to how I am the youngest in my class right now.
I visited a school called “De Vlieten” in my birthplace and current residence, De Lier. The first years escalated quite quickly- I found myself to be interested in reading books, mainly Dutch back then, and by the end of the fourth year (second grade) I had “mastered reading”. What I didn’t seem interested in- or at least, what I failed doing, was math. Even basic math- 2x3, or 6x5, were hard for me, and I never really verified my knowledge of the tables. I picked up some interests in fifth and sixth grade. The teacher there was quite knowledgeable on the subject of animals, and he was hosting a “bird spotting workshop” that everyone was allowed to participate in. It was then that I realized I was interested in these avian creatures, and as much as I love to ramble on and on about feline beasts today, I really wanted to do something with animals.
On a more serious note, bullying started from the fourth grade onward. As much as I dislike talking about it, it has played a rather big role in my life. While most of it was catcalling and other insults, it sometimes got out of hand and went physical. I’ve never been beaten up by any of the people in my vicinity, but I wish I could say the same about objects like my bicycle. It had been damaged twice and they managed to screw off the valve on the tires trice. I was still naïve back then, so I did as told- I visited an adult and explained what happened. The very same animal-loving teacher was also more realistic than any of the teachers in my school, as he told me that I should no longer tattle the bullies because I’d get in trouble with them later on. I trusted him more than anyone. It’s safe to say that if my mother and father both said one thing and that teacher said something contradicting it, I would believe the teacher. That is what happened- from that moment onward, I ignored anyone that made negative remarks about me, my clothing or anything else meant to hurt me. But of course I overdid it. I also ignored all positive remarks. And while I ignored both, the negative remarks were in greater quantity, as such, they stood in my mind for longer, and are still there.
Out of school, I developed even slower. I kept playing with younger children- innocent games like tag and hide and seek, but sometimes roleplaying as a family or sometimes even as magical knights to the land of far, far away- and it was alright, because I had buckets of fun, they had buckets of fun and the parents of these children trusted me enough to say that they were okay with me watching over their kids. Although the amount I do it at has reduced greatly, I still can’t ignore their faces when they ring the bell (sometimes hiding after having rang it, forcing me to look for them) and ask me if I’d like to play too. Of course, ten-year-olds shouldn’t play with three, four and five year olds. Society doesn’t appreciate that, or at least, it did not back then. And I was still stupid enough to enthusiastically join in with whatever they were doing. And so I stood there, clothed in a simple white shirt and jeans in the middle of summer, pretending to be an archer or a doctor or a cat or whatever they wanted me to be.
In the middle of the street. In that street lived some people who were also attending my school- people who were also attending my classes. They spectated as I furiously whipped at imaginary monsters, or applied a bandage to a non-existent patient, or begged for food that wasn’t even there with a series of rapid meows. And it gave them more material to bully me with. Of course, rumors started spreading. It was only the sixth grade, but with a certain duo of a big black kid and a small white kid looking to be more popular in our class and my newly exposed weak spots they were certain to have targeted me.
I was extremely glad when I finished elementary. I could finally get away from them. If I would have scored one point less on my CITO exam, I wouldn’t have made it to athenaeum- but I did manage to get that point. But before I could start over, start a new period of my life, I had six weeks of utter boredom to survive.
The holiday. The transitioning summer vacation in between the sixth and seventh grade turned a lot of tides in my life. For example, it was during this holiday that my sister showing me a certain video started a chain of events that would ultimately result in me being who I am now.
Although I’m not one hundred percent sure, I believe that this simple video – a cat flying through space with a tune playing in the background – was the beginning of this chain. It was not the video itself which I am obsessed with, nor did the video itself play any bigger role than linking me to another short movie, one of a young man showcasing a piece of art he’d created within some game. “Today I’ll be showcasing one of my latest creations”, he said. “I spent a lot of time on it”.
Of course, this got me interested. As curiosity raged through my body I decided I had to get my hands on this game. Disappointment struck when I realized I’d have to pay in order to play, and me, being just another 10 year old, did not have a bank account and as such couldn’t buy the game. Upon further research I found out that I could get my hands on it for free, and so I did.
I found the game to be very fun and I played it for extended periods of time, until it got slightly boring. It was only when I were about to stop playing that I found out there was a possibility to play with other players. I set off into a so-called “server”, a hub for people to play on. After having explored there, I ran into a certain Finnish person named Arman. “Do you play on here often?”, he said. My reply was simple- I mentioned I really liked the game and the people playing on there were nice, and as such I would be certain to spend every second of spare time I had playing this game on this server.
We grew closer and played together a lot during those six weeks. It wasn’t until the final week that he introduced me to a xenophobic American female friend he’d met on an art website. Her name was Danielle. As xenophobic as she was, she tried avoiding me a lot, but when I finally gained her trust we grew close fast, and by the end of the holiday she and I were better friends than Arman and I.
The end of the holiday, back to school. I had picked additional lessons- extra English, not only because I really enjoyed speaking the language but I also really wanted to master it so I could speak to Arman and Danielle fluently. But of course, just as in elementary, there were certain subjects I wasn’t very good at. For example, History and once again Math both struck me with bad marks. Then there were other languages. While the vocabulary I had built up by reading so many books helped me speak Dutch and the vocabulary I’d gained playing a variety of games had given me some knowledge of the English language, there was nothing that helped me learn French, and, in later years, German.
Those four subjects were the bane of my existence, and I’d always have bad marks for them. If I wouldn’t have failed Math I’d have an F for history and vice versa, but I wouldn’t be able to go to the next grade if I had inadequate marks. The seventh and eighth grade were close calls, and whilst I kept telling people in my surroundings “I’d be fine, I’ll do it differently next year anyways”, I did not actually do anything different, which resulted in me not passing the third grade. I went down a level.
But my marks weren’t the only problem in school.
Everyone was a bit shy and timid during the first day of school- I mean, of course, you didn’t know a lot of people and you wanted to make a good impression. I was also quite a bit silent. I wanted to attract as little attention as possible to avoid becoming a target again, and this would’ve worked if I hadn’t forgot to realize the school I’d been transferred to was the biggest one in my region and quite a few people I knew went there, too. People I knew. And I’ve always been used to the fact that a lot more people know me than I know others, so this didn’t predict much good for my near future, and it didn’t.
I persistently kept ignoring the remarks, but now with even more people to make negative remarks and no people whatsoever to make positive ones, they certainly started collecting in my head. And this actually helped me. With the newly acquired view on myself and all the practice I’d been having in ignoring people, I succeeded in reducing the catcalling greatly by staying silent and shy. I tried avoiding doing anything weird, and while I still proceeded playing with the neighbors’ kids, I retreated into my garage whenever I saw someone my age or a bit older than me pass. As such I gradually reduced bullying and at that point I’d been verbally harassed so much that I could just delete people from my mind and whatever they were saying wouldn’t ever reach my ear. This was pretty much the first half of seventh grade. It wasn’t until the second half that we were given “library education”, lessons showing us how to use the services our school library offered us, and when we were done and allowed to do whatever we wanted on the computers something caught my eye- a classmate, playing the very same game I’d been playing that holiday. As I’d been an outcast for the length of the first half year, I found this to be a perfect opportunity to get into the group- someone with similar interests to mine that had also proven to certainly be a nice person through the time I had spent in the same classroom. We soon started playing it together along with other people in our group and I finally felt I had the rights to call someone a “friend”.
Despite now having befriended someone, and from there a small group of other people, this all happened outside of school, at home, just playing on these before mentioned “servers”- I still remained an outcast back in the educational facility. I started getting out of my shell because I trusted these people but this was not a good move at all, especially looking back on it now it would’ve been much better if I just remained silent. Whilst I developed the friendships with my small clique I also developed quite a negative image for myself, and it wasn’t until the eighth grade that I started trying to get rid of it again.
I remained friends with this clique trough the eighth and ninth grade, as we remained together in the very same classroom following the very same classes. Of course this changed in the tenth grade. My strategy to get through school proved useless when I failed the ninth grade, and I were “demoted”- instead of VWO I now followed HAVO, and luckily – although I don’t know if they were so happy about it – a fraction of my friends failed too and ended up in the very same class I am now. As they weren’t quite the closest friends I soon found myself separated from them. We sit in pairs and it was just the three of us. They preferred each other over me (which I find perfectly understandable) so I found myself sitting alone during most lessons. I also never managed to find a partner during PE either.
That is, before the tenth grade. During our first physical education I managed to be left as last lone wolf, but I would be greeted by someone that had also failed to find a partner and from that moment onward I was certain I had to befriend him. Whilst he appeared weak, puny almost, he was much better at most sports than me and he really managed to surprise me with his combination of friendliness and sportiness. Soon I also found that he was sitting by himself at quite a few subjects- for example, art history, philosophy and Dutch. Most of these were perfect opportunities for me to settle down next to him. So I did- art history later proved to be a good move, as it gave me an excuse to try and speak to him outside of school. Since we hadn’t quite been serious whilst making the exercises of this subject, I asked him over a free messenger if he still needed the answers. It wasn’t until then that I started finding out more about him. It turned out we had similar interests, for example, creating our own music or games, and listening or playing others’ too! He showed some of his creations and it wasn’t until then that I happened to like them, too.
– to be continued :3 –
A little bit about myself, I guess.
The beginning of everything- my birth, of course, went as it was supposed to other than the fact I hesitated birth for two weeks until I finally left the body of what is now my mother.
The earliest years of my youth were natural. I learned how to walk, I learned how to talk and I learned a wide variety of other things. The only “odd” thing back then was that I, just like my father, did not go to any barbers or stylists, and as such I had accumulated way longer hair than most other people my age. Back then, it was curled and messy.
I remember a fun little game my grandmother liked to play with me. I used to love water- I still do! I loved opening the faucet at my elders’ place and play with the water running out. I’d fill cups with water and throw the water into the drain as hard as I could (which of course wasn’t quite hard, I was merely 3 years old back then) and eventually my grandmother would close the valve and the water would stop running. “The water’s gone,” she’d say, “You used all of it.” As naïve as I was, just a little boy, I believed her and I would always be overcome by feelings of guilt, constantly apologizing to her (but shamelessly proceeding to play with the water the next time I visited anyways).
That was quite a few years ago- about 12 years, in fact. But of course, as time passes, people change, they grow, they learn new things and forget about old things, they grow wiser. Most of them, at least. Of course there are exceptions. I mean, look at me back then. My development was slower than most others’ because I found it hard to befriend people and I was just a little bit timid back then. Even until the day of today the people surrounding me have no clue why, although it had been speculated that it had something to do with the fact I never visited the playschool, as opposed to my three older sisters and older brother having spent their first years there. By the time the four of them were born, my father had quit his job to take care of the children. As such, he didn’t find it necessary to take me to the crèche and I stayed home instead.
I was only 3 when I started attending school. Once again, I was an exception. You’ll usually find people have to be at least 4 years of age when they start getting education, but as my birthday would happen about half a month after the first day of school I had been allowed in anyways. I was the youngest in that class, similarly to how I am the youngest in my class right now.
I visited a school called “De Vlieten” in my birthplace and current residence, De Lier. The first years escalated quite quickly- I found myself to be interested in reading books, mainly Dutch back then, and by the end of the fourth year (second grade) I had “mastered reading”. What I didn’t seem interested in- or at least, what I failed doing, was math. Even basic math- 2x3, or 6x5, were hard for me, and I never really verified my knowledge of the tables. I picked up some interests in fifth and sixth grade. The teacher there was quite knowledgeable on the subject of animals, and he was hosting a “bird spotting workshop” that everyone was allowed to participate in. It was then that I realized I was interested in these avian creatures, and as much as I love to ramble on and on about feline beasts today, I really wanted to do something with animals.
On a more serious note, bullying started from the fourth grade onward. As much as I dislike talking about it, it has played a rather big role in my life. While most of it was catcalling and other insults, it sometimes got out of hand and went physical. I’ve never been beaten up by any of the people in my vicinity, but I wish I could say the same about objects like my bicycle. It had been damaged twice and they managed to screw off the valve on the tires trice. I was still naïve back then, so I did as told- I visited an adult and explained what happened. The very same animal-loving teacher was also more realistic than any of the teachers in my school, as he told me that I should no longer tattle the bullies because I’d get in trouble with them later on. I trusted him more than anyone. It’s safe to say that if my mother and father both said one thing and that teacher said something contradicting it, I would believe the teacher. That is what happened- from that moment onward, I ignored anyone that made negative remarks about me, my clothing or anything else meant to hurt me. But of course I overdid it. I also ignored all positive remarks. And while I ignored both, the negative remarks were in greater quantity, as such, they stood in my mind for longer, and are still there.
Out of school, I developed even slower. I kept playing with younger children- innocent games like tag and hide and seek, but sometimes roleplaying as a family or sometimes even as magical knights to the land of far, far away- and it was alright, because I had buckets of fun, they had buckets of fun and the parents of these children trusted me enough to say that they were okay with me watching over their kids. Although the amount I do it at has reduced greatly, I still can’t ignore their faces when they ring the bell (sometimes hiding after having rang it, forcing me to look for them) and ask me if I’d like to play too. Of course, ten-year-olds shouldn’t play with three, four and five year olds. Society doesn’t appreciate that, or at least, it did not back then. And I was still stupid enough to enthusiastically join in with whatever they were doing. And so I stood there, clothed in a simple white shirt and jeans in the middle of summer, pretending to be an archer or a doctor or a cat or whatever they wanted me to be.
In the middle of the street. In that street lived some people who were also attending my school- people who were also attending my classes. They spectated as I furiously whipped at imaginary monsters, or applied a bandage to a non-existent patient, or begged for food that wasn’t even there with a series of rapid meows. And it gave them more material to bully me with. Of course, rumors started spreading. It was only the sixth grade, but with a certain duo of a big black kid and a small white kid looking to be more popular in our class and my newly exposed weak spots they were certain to have targeted me.
I was extremely glad when I finished elementary. I could finally get away from them. If I would have scored one point less on my CITO exam, I wouldn’t have made it to athenaeum- but I did manage to get that point. But before I could start over, start a new period of my life, I had six weeks of utter boredom to survive.
The holiday. The transitioning summer vacation in between the sixth and seventh grade turned a lot of tides in my life. For example, it was during this holiday that my sister showing me a certain video started a chain of events that would ultimately result in me being who I am now.
Although I’m not one hundred percent sure, I believe that this simple video – a cat flying through space with a tune playing in the background – was the beginning of this chain. It was not the video itself which I am obsessed with, nor did the video itself play any bigger role than linking me to another short movie, one of a young man showcasing a piece of art he’d created within some game. “Today I’ll be showcasing one of my latest creations”, he said. “I spent a lot of time on it”.
Of course, this got me interested. As curiosity raged through my body I decided I had to get my hands on this game. Disappointment struck when I realized I’d have to pay in order to play, and me, being just another 10 year old, did not have a bank account and as such couldn’t buy the game. Upon further research I found out that I could get my hands on it for free, and so I did.
I found the game to be very fun and I played it for extended periods of time, until it got slightly boring. It was only when I were about to stop playing that I found out there was a possibility to play with other players. I set off into a so-called “server”, a hub for people to play on. After having explored there, I ran into a certain Finnish person named Arman. “Do you play on here often?”, he said. My reply was simple- I mentioned I really liked the game and the people playing on there were nice, and as such I would be certain to spend every second of spare time I had playing this game on this server.
We grew closer and played together a lot during those six weeks. It wasn’t until the final week that he introduced me to a xenophobic American female friend he’d met on an art website. Her name was Danielle. As xenophobic as she was, she tried avoiding me a lot, but when I finally gained her trust we grew close fast, and by the end of the holiday she and I were better friends than Arman and I.
The end of the holiday, back to school. I had picked additional lessons- extra English, not only because I really enjoyed speaking the language but I also really wanted to master it so I could speak to Arman and Danielle fluently. But of course, just as in elementary, there were certain subjects I wasn’t very good at. For example, History and once again Math both struck me with bad marks. Then there were other languages. While the vocabulary I had built up by reading so many books helped me speak Dutch and the vocabulary I’d gained playing a variety of games had given me some knowledge of the English language, there was nothing that helped me learn French, and, in later years, German.
Those four subjects were the bane of my existence, and I’d always have bad marks for them. If I wouldn’t have failed Math I’d have an F for history and vice versa, but I wouldn’t be able to go to the next grade if I had inadequate marks. The seventh and eighth grade were close calls, and whilst I kept telling people in my surroundings “I’d be fine, I’ll do it differently next year anyways”, I did not actually do anything different, which resulted in me not passing the third grade. I went down a level.
But my marks weren’t the only problem in school.
Everyone was a bit shy and timid during the first day of school- I mean, of course, you didn’t know a lot of people and you wanted to make a good impression. I was also quite a bit silent. I wanted to attract as little attention as possible to avoid becoming a target again, and this would’ve worked if I hadn’t forgot to realize the school I’d been transferred to was the biggest one in my region and quite a few people I knew went there, too. People I knew. And I’ve always been used to the fact that a lot more people know me than I know others, so this didn’t predict much good for my near future, and it didn’t.
I persistently kept ignoring the remarks, but now with even more people to make negative remarks and no people whatsoever to make positive ones, they certainly started collecting in my head. And this actually helped me. With the newly acquired view on myself and all the practice I’d been having in ignoring people, I succeeded in reducing the catcalling greatly by staying silent and shy. I tried avoiding doing anything weird, and while I still proceeded playing with the neighbors’ kids, I retreated into my garage whenever I saw someone my age or a bit older than me pass. As such I gradually reduced bullying and at that point I’d been verbally harassed so much that I could just delete people from my mind and whatever they were saying wouldn’t ever reach my ear. This was pretty much the first half of seventh grade. It wasn’t until the second half that we were given “library education”, lessons showing us how to use the services our school library offered us, and when we were done and allowed to do whatever we wanted on the computers something caught my eye- a classmate, playing the very same game I’d been playing that holiday. As I’d been an outcast for the length of the first half year, I found this to be a perfect opportunity to get into the group- someone with similar interests to mine that had also proven to certainly be a nice person through the time I had spent in the same classroom. We soon started playing it together along with other people in our group and I finally felt I had the rights to call someone a “friend”.
Despite now having befriended someone, and from there a small group of other people, this all happened outside of school, at home, just playing on these before mentioned “servers”- I still remained an outcast back in the educational facility. I started getting out of my shell because I trusted these people but this was not a good move at all, especially looking back on it now it would’ve been much better if I just remained silent. Whilst I developed the friendships with my small clique I also developed quite a negative image for myself, and it wasn’t until the eighth grade that I started trying to get rid of it again.
I remained friends with this clique trough the eighth and ninth grade, as we remained together in the very same classroom following the very same classes. Of course this changed in the tenth grade. My strategy to get through school proved useless when I failed the ninth grade, and I were “demoted”- instead of VWO I now followed HAVO, and luckily – although I don’t know if they were so happy about it – a fraction of my friends failed too and ended up in the very same class I am now. As they weren’t quite the closest friends I soon found myself separated from them. We sit in pairs and it was just the three of us. They preferred each other over me (which I find perfectly understandable) so I found myself sitting alone during most lessons. I also never managed to find a partner during PE either.
That is, before the tenth grade. During our first physical education I managed to be left as last lone wolf, but I would be greeted by someone that had also failed to find a partner and from that moment onward I was certain I had to befriend him. Whilst he appeared weak, puny almost, he was much better at most sports than me and he really managed to surprise me with his combination of friendliness and sportiness. Soon I also found that he was sitting by himself at quite a few subjects- for example, art history, philosophy and Dutch. Most of these were perfect opportunities for me to settle down next to him. So I did- art history later proved to be a good move, as it gave me an excuse to try and speak to him outside of school. Since we hadn’t quite been serious whilst making the exercises of this subject, I asked him over a free messenger if he still needed the answers. It wasn’t until then that I started finding out more about him. It turned out we had similar interests, for example, creating our own music or games, and listening or playing others’ too! He showed some of his creations and it wasn’t until then that I happened to like them, too.
– to be continued :3 –