brokeninto2
December 5th, 2014, 08:46 PM
So lets just say I'm in a deep dark depression right? That's a whole long back story.. so lets maybe just save it for later, or.. I might end up telling you all anyways? Anyways, About... A year and six/seven ish months ago I tried something called....... *drumroll* SELF HARM~ It was never very serious, I didn't cut very deep or often, but just enough to stare at the cut and pick at the scab, I used lots of tricks to heal them fast, and I cut in places no one found out, mostly really high up my thigh, there's no scars to be seen from it; as I said it wasn't very serious, I was just in a basic depression, in a school where I was disliked and my best friend was a grade above me so she was in high school, while me being a grade lower still stuck in my small, underfunded, shittay elementary school in my small town. I had moved there 3 and a half ish years and ever since then everyone hated me, I was called greasy, gross, weird, then as puberty hit and I went to a few party's all that stuff transformed into slut, whore, bitch, Yea, pretty basic stuff right? Kinda?? There's always gonna be bullies, but what added to it: My parents horrible divorce, my evil stepdad, my psychotic sister who calls social services on my mom, to get me taken away, and, well Boys! I was used a bit, I was such a fool, thinking he actually liked me, when really he only wanted to get into my pants, good thing I was always too chicken to do anything more than make-out with them, and by them I mean four boys (first guy I made out with was in grade 8, so four guys in 2 years, am I a slut? I'd like to think not...) and they all said stuff like "we'll date, I'll be your boyfriend, I promise to care," sounds pretty legit to a drunken teenage girl who no one else loved, right? Right. I was used. But anyways, all that I caved in and started to cut myself! mmhmm. No one knew, not a single person in the whole course of my cutting period, but seeeee, 6/7ish months ago my best friend decided to say "Hey, I should set you up with my friend -! You two would be a perfect match!"
Hell no.
No thank you please.
I didn't like the idea, I didn't like boys(I'm not a lesbian its just they were all mean and etccc..) And I was reluctant to it, I avoided it. Until one night I was basically forced to cause she said we're hanging out with him and two of his friends, so.. well fuck me I thought to myself, when we got into his car, and I saw him(my friend had a tendency to be friends with everyone, I mean I felt horribly for thinking so shallow, and honestly I'm not that snobby girl but shes setting me up with a total stranger, what else did I have to go on? I couldn't like him for who he was, I didn't even know who he was!!) Anyways I saw him and I was expecting either A. An unattractive guy, but with a great personality, or B. An attractive guy, but with a HORRIBLE personality! I was surprised, any ways the night went on, we all had fun and I realized, "wow, hes pretty great, hes kinda like those people in the middle of it all, kinda maybe like an A.5? He wasn't the hottest guy ever, but he was cute, in a dorky way, and he maybe didn't have the best personality(hes kinda.. dramatic, but I found that out later on) but he was funny and kind and cared....
ANYWAYS, the night ended and when he dropped me and my friend off we ended up kissing, it was cute, like something from a cheesy romantic movie, and that moment was pretty much when I said goodbye to not wanting a boyfriend! I thought we were great, we had the same interests, but not everything was the same, enough to balance it. Anyways I only realized about a... month give or take into our relationship.. I actually totally forgot about cutting. I seriously did. He made me feel so happy that it hadn't returned to my mind!!!! What are the odds of that? I realized that when I found where I kept my supplies. I threw them out. I was done with it and my life had started to pick up... I had thought.
Here's where I went wrong. He was my first boyfriend, I got kinda.. obsessive and clingy. And so he started to withdraw, a guys way of telling someone their being too attached? But anyways I didn't get the hint, I started bothering him more, I thought something more serious had happened, I kept always asking him "whats wrong, are you okay?" and I never realized till then he wasn't a really open guy, I mean he was and wasn't at the same time, if you know what I'm trying to say? Anyways, about a month and a half ago I got really mad at him. I was texting him and he said "its a long story" and when I said I was listening he just replied with "I don't want to talk about it." so I got really mad at him and went off about how he never tells me anything and hes never trying to be with me anymore and all this, and well our argument basically ended up with me bawling on my bed and him telling me he doesn't love me anymore. It wasn't like that though, it was worse, the way he said it.. I mean. It was over text but the words echo in my mind and I can just imagine him saying it. I asked him if he still loved me. "The human mind will always be known to be the true devil. I'm sorry.." is what he said. It was fucking hard to bring myself to type that really. but this is what confused me. He was angry at me, he didn't love me anymore he was so harsh and yet. He wouldn't break up with me. He just said "I need to think."
So yeah that happened, ANYWAYS a week later, we started hanging out again (going out at lunch with him and his friends) and Halloween arrived and we went to the Halloween dance, and e had fun, we slow danced and I almost cried cause I could feel him holding tight and burring his head onto my head/in my hair, as much as a boy a whole foot taller than me could do, yeah. I almost cried. But then we went to a party and got drunk, I, drunken, dumb, thought it'd be a great time to ask "- are we okay?" I mean it was great. He got really sorry, he apologized like 5 times and hugged me REAAAALLLY tight, then when we sat down he put his arm around me and just kissed me, nicely. But see it was a horrible time. I know its great cause he tells the truth when he's drunk I've been around him drunk a lot, and well I was so happy and that moment is the reason why I still continue on everyday, but.. I haven't brought it up, so I have no clue if he remembers it or not.
BUT ANYWAYS about a month ago I started to cut again. and yeah.. the overall situation of the other reasons I cut worsened, his ex likes to make my life hell.. but yeah. See the meaning of the title being.. I decided on formal day when I had to wear these awkward leggings to cover it up that I didnt wanna do this. I never did. I told three of my friends and they told me to tell him. So I decided to tell him, and his response made me take a nice bath and do it some more. I was basically reaching out for help. It was hard to tell him. It really was. I literally said "I just need someone to hug me and tell me its ok." Cause I do, but not someone, him. And he flat out said he has lost all will to help people who cut and hes not going to even try. And that ended it.
So I cant find the will to stop. Idk what to do.
Sorry for the long story haha, I just find that no one really understands unless I explain xD
Hell no.
No thank you please.
I didn't like the idea, I didn't like boys(I'm not a lesbian its just they were all mean and etccc..) And I was reluctant to it, I avoided it. Until one night I was basically forced to cause she said we're hanging out with him and two of his friends, so.. well fuck me I thought to myself, when we got into his car, and I saw him(my friend had a tendency to be friends with everyone, I mean I felt horribly for thinking so shallow, and honestly I'm not that snobby girl but shes setting me up with a total stranger, what else did I have to go on? I couldn't like him for who he was, I didn't even know who he was!!) Anyways I saw him and I was expecting either A. An unattractive guy, but with a great personality, or B. An attractive guy, but with a HORRIBLE personality! I was surprised, any ways the night went on, we all had fun and I realized, "wow, hes pretty great, hes kinda like those people in the middle of it all, kinda maybe like an A.5? He wasn't the hottest guy ever, but he was cute, in a dorky way, and he maybe didn't have the best personality(hes kinda.. dramatic, but I found that out later on) but he was funny and kind and cared....
ANYWAYS, the night ended and when he dropped me and my friend off we ended up kissing, it was cute, like something from a cheesy romantic movie, and that moment was pretty much when I said goodbye to not wanting a boyfriend! I thought we were great, we had the same interests, but not everything was the same, enough to balance it. Anyways I only realized about a... month give or take into our relationship.. I actually totally forgot about cutting. I seriously did. He made me feel so happy that it hadn't returned to my mind!!!! What are the odds of that? I realized that when I found where I kept my supplies. I threw them out. I was done with it and my life had started to pick up... I had thought.
Here's where I went wrong. He was my first boyfriend, I got kinda.. obsessive and clingy. And so he started to withdraw, a guys way of telling someone their being too attached? But anyways I didn't get the hint, I started bothering him more, I thought something more serious had happened, I kept always asking him "whats wrong, are you okay?" and I never realized till then he wasn't a really open guy, I mean he was and wasn't at the same time, if you know what I'm trying to say? Anyways, about a month and a half ago I got really mad at him. I was texting him and he said "its a long story" and when I said I was listening he just replied with "I don't want to talk about it." so I got really mad at him and went off about how he never tells me anything and hes never trying to be with me anymore and all this, and well our argument basically ended up with me bawling on my bed and him telling me he doesn't love me anymore. It wasn't like that though, it was worse, the way he said it.. I mean. It was over text but the words echo in my mind and I can just imagine him saying it. I asked him if he still loved me. "The human mind will always be known to be the true devil. I'm sorry.." is what he said. It was fucking hard to bring myself to type that really. but this is what confused me. He was angry at me, he didn't love me anymore he was so harsh and yet. He wouldn't break up with me. He just said "I need to think."
So yeah that happened, ANYWAYS a week later, we started hanging out again (going out at lunch with him and his friends) and Halloween arrived and we went to the Halloween dance, and e had fun, we slow danced and I almost cried cause I could feel him holding tight and burring his head onto my head/in my hair, as much as a boy a whole foot taller than me could do, yeah. I almost cried. But then we went to a party and got drunk, I, drunken, dumb, thought it'd be a great time to ask "- are we okay?" I mean it was great. He got really sorry, he apologized like 5 times and hugged me REAAAALLLY tight, then when we sat down he put his arm around me and just kissed me, nicely. But see it was a horrible time. I know its great cause he tells the truth when he's drunk I've been around him drunk a lot, and well I was so happy and that moment is the reason why I still continue on everyday, but.. I haven't brought it up, so I have no clue if he remembers it or not.
BUT ANYWAYS about a month ago I started to cut again. and yeah.. the overall situation of the other reasons I cut worsened, his ex likes to make my life hell.. but yeah. See the meaning of the title being.. I decided on formal day when I had to wear these awkward leggings to cover it up that I didnt wanna do this. I never did. I told three of my friends and they told me to tell him. So I decided to tell him, and his response made me take a nice bath and do it some more. I was basically reaching out for help. It was hard to tell him. It really was. I literally said "I just need someone to hug me and tell me its ok." Cause I do, but not someone, him. And he flat out said he has lost all will to help people who cut and hes not going to even try. And that ended it.
So I cant find the will to stop. Idk what to do.
Sorry for the long story haha, I just find that no one really understands unless I explain xD