Gay with Girlfriend?

[Richy125]

Okay, to start off, I'm pretty much known for a while that I'm gay. But last year, I met a girl who I really liked. She was someone who I was attracted to, both sexually and emotionally. So I thought, okay, maybe I'm not gay? We hit it off, and we've been dating for almost a year. At first, I was happy, SO very happy, I cannot explain it. It was love. It still is love. I felt like it was a fulfilling relationship. But recently, it hasn't been feeling fulfilling. The sexual attraction has just gone away. Not because of her, she's a very attractive girl, but because of myself. I guess at one point, the sexual attraction just disappeared. I've realized that, I will only ever be sexually attracted to guys. But I'm still so emotionally attached to her, and I don't want to let her go. And so I'm stuck. I love her. I seriously do, and she loves me back, and now I'm so confused. I thought she was the one, the one that I would have a future with. But if I don't enjoy doing anything sexual with her, what kind of future would that be? If I was sexually attracted to women, I know for a fact, our relationship would go very far. This whole situation just makes me depressed, because she's so important to me, and I don't want to let her go, and I don't want to let her down. This might sound bad, but, I feel like everything would just be perfect if I were straight or bisexual and was still sexually attracted to her, I feel like we could have a happy, GREAT future. I guess I'm stupid for starting this relationship in the first place. I would just like some guidance in this situation. What should I do?

[Starling City]

Hey Richy,

There are so many components to sexuality that it's often very confusing and a struggle to accept its occasional limitations that we might try to defy. Emotional and physical attractions don't always align as much as we may want them to. There are people, like this, that we can be so emotionally there with. So in love with the person they are, but yet not be able to expand those feelings beyond their emotional value for one reason or another. It's not something we can always control, as much as we plead things could be different. We are the people we are and can't exactly manipulate our true self and feelings. And that's what makes this kind of love tough. You're not alone, though; there are many relationships like this out there.

The problem is the fulfillment, as you mentioned. While you deeply care for her, and you have her feelings in return, there could be even more problems long term. You each need fulfillment. You each might one day, or now, require an attraction that hits all of the boxes, which just might not be with one another... As hard as it is, love is putting another's happiness before your own. And you have to ask yourself whether you can truly be content with this relationship if there never will be a sexual attraction on your end. Be considerate not only of her but of yourself too. Discover what you want, and what you need to be happy, as well as her needs.

My advice here isn't to force you any which way, but to carefully consider the long term prospects of this relationship. You wouldn't want to regret holding onto something that may only continue to prolong an inevitable heartbreak of it all... If there is a way that you can maintain a friendship with her with a mutual understanding and no awkward tension, it might be worth exploring that...

I feel for you in this incredibly tough situation... It's certainly not easy and there's no simple way to deal with these complex feelings.

Best wishes,
Starling City

[James Dean]

Have you told her that you have attraction towards guys? From what you mentioned, it doesn't seem like you have. That should be the first step, relationships are based on honesty. If you aren't happy, then you should remove yourself from the situation. There can still be a chance for you to remain good friends with her. If there isn't any attraction, it can cause problems between the two of you.

[maniamsmart]

Hey Richy,

There are so many components to sexuality that it's often very confusing and a struggle to accept its occasional limitations that we might try to defy. Emotional and physical attractions don't always align as much as we may want them to. There are people, like this, that we can be so emotionally there with. So in love with the person they are, but yet not be able to expand those feelings beyond their emotional value for one reason or another. It's not something we can always control, as much as we plead things could be different. We are the people we are and can't exactly manipulate our true self and feelings. And that's what makes this kind of love tough. You're not alone, though; there are many relationships like this out there.

The problem is the fulfillment, as you mentioned. While you deeply care for her, and you have her feelings in return, there could be even more problems long term. You each need fulfillment. You each might one day, or now, require an attraction that hits all of the boxes, which just might not be with one another... As hard as it is, love is putting another's happiness before your own. And you have to ask yourself whether you can truly be content with this relationship if there never will be a sexual attraction on your end. Be considerate not only of her but of yourself too. Discover what you want, and what you need to be happy, as well as her needs.

My advice here isn't to force you any which way, but to carefully consider the long term prospects of this relationship. You wouldn't want to regret holding onto something that may only continue to prolong an inevitable heartbreak of it all... If there is a way that you can maintain a friendship with her with a mutual understanding and no awkward tension, it might be worth exploring that...

I feel for you in this incredibly tough situation... It's certainly not easy and there's no simple way to deal with these complex feelings.

Best wishes,
Starling City

I'd usually write a lot more, but Starling did an excellent job at answering this one, I would have said the same. The only thing I would add is that sexual attraction is not everything in a relationship, and it isn't as important as some of the other things you mentioned in your post, such as that long term love you still have for one another.

And as said, you need to think about the future of this relationship, and how sure you are that you can make this girl happy. If she or your relationships relies heavily on sexual attraction, then maybe it is better to explore just being friends, but if it doesn't then you don't need to worry about it that much, unless you really want the sexual attraction.

[Catholic Guy]

I would say give it some time and maybe that attraction will come back

[SethfromMI]

give it time to see if the attraction comes back, but at some point you are going to need to talk with her and be honest with her. it is not fair to her to have her maybe be expecting a certain type of relationship and you won't be able to give it to her

[WALLE]

I've read somewhere that some people make you question your sexuality,some people may even confuse you for a bit, but truth be told no one can change you. if you like guys then you like guys. you dont like girls and you will most likely always be like that. so you should probably break it off with her because its not fair to her. if your not physically attractive to someone your with, then you will never end up truly happy