Hi - new poster and interesting question

[Anarion]

Hello everyone - I'm not exactly planning to become a member of the community or anything, but I am looking for a second opinion (or is it third..?) on an interesting problem I've been having. It's not exactly vital, or depressing me or anything, I'm just at a loss as to what's going on - maybe someone here can open my eyes.

Let's start with the basics. I'm 15 (not exactly dating age but that's why I said it didn't matter) and so is she. I'm a guy, by the way. That might help... Anyway, she and I have had respective crushes on each other for the better part of three years, with fluctuating intensity, I suppose. I had made it clear that I was not ready to go out with anyone at an earlier point, and, well, she's Indian, so she's not allowed to go out with anyone at all. Regardless, she got tired of waiting a couple of months ago and decided to fill in the gap with another guy. I was upset, but not surprised, and after a few days we were friends again. However, I asked my friends about this other guy, and they said he was a complete jackass who behaves like a five-year-old all the time. So I was a bit put out.

They have been going out for a surprisingly long number of months now, all under her parent's noses, and seem to be doing quite well. I have been trying to move on, but I honestly don't see anyone who is as great as she is, so I'm a bit hung up - but not worryingly so. Anyway, we still talk via text almost every day for hours, and she considers me a really great friend, as do I. She consistently voices her opinion that I am one of the most mature, politest, most interesting to talk to person in the year, as well as a great conversationalist. Of course I respond with appropriate counter-complements, but on one occasion with a slip of the tongue (or rather, finger), she said she prefers talking to me above all others, including her boyfriend. She has also said I'm wiser, smarter and more mature than him too, as well as just as if not better looking.

I don't want to sound stuck up here (I'm quite surprised that she thinks some of those things), but my question is:

If all of those things are true, then where the ruddy hell am I falling down?

I'd appreciate it if someone could provide an answer, and if any additional info would help I'd be glad to fill in the blanks.

Cheers, Anarion

P.S.
I didn't want to go back and insert this, but at the point where I found out about this other guy, she asked me if I would have asked her out, and I would've dropped everything and done so if I knew there was another guy (especially this one).
P.P.S.
Additionally, they had a fight about this other guy's bad behavior and immaturity that went on for days, and I was... well, comforting her at one point - I told her not to break up with him, because they obviously have a thing going - and she asked me what I would do if they broke up. I don't think I gave a definitive answer, but her asking the question was a bit, well, odd.

[HockeyLovesMe]

Hello everyone - I'm not exactly planning to become a member of the community or anything, but I am looking for a second opinion (or is it third..?) on an interesting problem I've been having. It's not exactly vital, or depressing me or anything, I'm just at a loss as to what's going on - maybe someone here can open my eyes.

Let's start with the basics. I'm 15 (not exactly dating age but that's why I said it didn't matter) and so is she. I'm a guy, by the way. That might help... Anyway, she and I have had respective crushes on each other for the better part of three years, with fluctuating intensity, I suppose. I had made it clear that I was not ready to go out with anyone at an earlier point, and, well, she's Indian, so she's not allowed to go out with anyone at all. Regardless, she got tired of waiting a couple of months ago and decided to fill in the gap with another guy. I was upset, but not surprised, and after a few days we were friends again. However, I asked my friends about this other guy, and they said he was a complete jackass who behaves like a five-year-old all the time. So I was a bit put out.

They have been going out for a surprisingly long number of months now, all under her parent's noses, and seem to be doing quite well. I have been trying to move on, but I honestly don't see anyone who is as great as she is, so I'm a bit hung up - but not worryingly so. Anyway, we still talk via text almost every day for hours, and she considers me a really great friend, as do I. She consistently voices her opinion that I am one of the most mature, politest, most interesting to talk to person in the year, as well as a great conversationalist. Of course I respond with appropriate counter-complements, but on one occasion with a slip of the tongue (or rather, finger), she said she prefers talking to me above all others, including her boyfriend. She has also said I'm wiser, smarter and more mature than him too, as well as just as if not better looking.

I don't want to sound stuck up here (I'm quite surprised that she thinks some of those things), but my question is:

If all of those things are true, then where the ruddy hell am I falling down?

I'd appreciate it if someone could provide an answer, and if any additional info would help I'd be glad to fill in the blanks.

Cheers, Anarion

P.S.
I didn't want to go back and insert this, but at the point where I found out about this other guy, she asked me if I would have asked her out, and I would've dropped everything and done so if I knew there was another guy (especially this one).
P.P.S.
Additionally, they had a fight about this other guy's bad behavior and immaturity that went on for days, and I was... well, comforting her at one point - I told her not to break up with him, because they obviously have a thing going - and she asked me what I would do if they broke up. I don't think I gave a definitive answer, but her asking the question was a bit, well, odd.

I think you should be honest and open with her about how you really feel sounds like ur a bit not so direct... when you do that and if she doesn't act on it by dumping him and picking up u then you just need to move on and it would be her loss :)

[JamesSuperBoy]

Hello everyone - I'm not exactly planning to become a member of the community or anything, but I am looking for a second opinion (or is it third..?) on an interesting problem I've been having. It's not exactly vital, or depressing me or anything, I'm just at a loss as to what's going on - maybe someone here can open my eyes.

Let's start with the basics. I'm 15 (not exactly dating age but that's why I said it didn't matter) and so is she. I'm a guy, by the way. That might help... Anyway, she and I have had respective crushes on each other for the better part of three years, with fluctuating intensity, I suppose. I had made it clear that I was not ready to go out with anyone at an earlier point, and, well, she's Indian, so she's not allowed to go out with anyone at all. Regardless, she got tired of waiting a couple of months ago and decided to fill in the gap with another guy. I was upset, but not surprised, and after a few days we were friends again. However, I asked my friends about this other guy, and they said he was a complete jackass who behaves like a five-year-old all the time. So I was a bit put out.

They have been going out for a surprisingly long number of months now, all under her parent's noses, and seem to be doing quite well. I have been trying to move on, but I honestly don't see anyone who is as great as she is, so I'm a bit hung up - but not worryingly so. Anyway, we still talk via text almost every day for hours, and she considers me a really great friend, as do I. She consistently voices her opinion that I am one of the most mature, politest, most interesting to talk to person in the year, as well as a great conversationalist. Of course I respond with appropriate counter-complements, but on one occasion with a slip of the tongue (or rather, finger), she said she prefers talking to me above all others, including her boyfriend. She has also said I'm wiser, smarter and more mature than him too, as well as just as if not better looking.

I don't want to sound stuck up here (I'm quite surprised that she thinks some of those things), but my question is:

If all of those things are true, then where the ruddy hell am I falling down?

I'd appreciate it if someone could provide an answer, and if any additional info would help I'd be glad to fill in the blanks.

Cheers, Anarion

P.S.
I didn't want to go back and insert this, but at the point where I found out about this other guy, she asked me if I would have asked her out, and I would've dropped everything and done so if I knew there was another guy (especially this one).
P.P.S.
Additionally, they had a fight about this other guy's bad behavior and immaturity that went on for days, and I was... well, comforting her at one point - I told her not to break up with him, because they obviously have a thing going - and she asked me what I would do if they broke up. I don't think I gave a definitive answer, but her asking the question was a bit, well, odd.

Think its the friend zone - end game - maybe she just wants to talk pays you some compliments - people do. However he is jack ass or not thats life.

sorry you should move on.

[leahmae]

She may not want to take the risk of ruining your friendship by dating.

[maniamsmart]

I am going to be giving you the answer that you probably don't want to hear, but it's the truth. You kind of lost the game. Not entirely yet, but kind of.

You need to be more direct as a user stated above. You seem to be hinting too much, and not making many clear decisions, or giving many clear answers. She obviously knows that you like her, but you never made the move to ask her out. She is an Indian, so she isn't going to ask you out, you need to do it. As one other user stated, you could be friend zoned, while I don't believe in that, I can say this, you may not have a chance with her because of the fact that you act too friendly with her.

I am not really sure where to go with this, because she is dating someone right now, and you kind of are just there on the side. The best thing I can advise you to do, which may not be the right thing to do morally, is step up your game a bit, and show her that you want her. If she thinks that you are so much better than her boyfriend, then you just need to man up, and follow up with it and show that you are willing to be that type of person for her as a boyfriend. I am not saying this is going to be easy, but you're going to have to find a way to get it done.

Aside from that, I honestly think it's a bad idea to date her. You seem to be very into her, eventually you are going to have to meet her parents, and this may lead to some problems and maybe even a break up. All of your emotions and feelings you put in are now going to be wasted and you will be severely hurt. If I was you, I would really find another girl, but, if you truly believe you and her can make it work (which needs to be discussed beforehand) then go for it.

This is one of those rare cases where the girl is giving all the signs but the guy doesn't really follow up. And I am not saying that you're stupid, or don't know how to get girls, because some girls like the shyness, and the sensitivity, and such, but I do think that it's time to step it up a bit if you really want to get her for yourself.

P.S. Please don't take offense from anything I have said, just simply trying to help and offer the best advice I can give you.

[Hudor]

Hello everyone - I'm not exactly planning to become a member of the community or anything, but I am looking for a second opinion (or is it third..?) on an interesting problem I've been having. It's not exactly vital, or depressing me or anything, I'm just at a loss as to what's going on - maybe someone here can open my eyes.

Let's start with the basics. I'm 15 (not exactly dating age but that's why I said it didn't matter) and so is she. I'm a guy, by the way. That might help... Anyway, she and I have had respective crushes on each other for the better part of three years, with fluctuating intensity, I suppose. I had made it clear that I was not ready to go out with anyone at an earlier point, and, well, she's Indian, so she's not allowed to go out with anyone at all. Regardless, she got tired of waiting a couple of months ago and decided to fill in the gap with another guy. I was upset, but not surprised, and after a few days we were friends again. However, I asked my friends about this other guy, and they said he was a complete jackass who behaves like a five-year-old all the time. So I was a bit put out.

They have been going out for a surprisingly long number of months now, all under her parent's noses, and seem to be doing quite well. I have been trying to move on, but I honestly don't see anyone who is as great as she is, so I'm a bit hung up - but not worryingly so. Anyway, we still talk via text almost every day for hours, and she considers me a really great friend, as do I. She consistently voices her opinion that I am one of the most mature, politest, most interesting to talk to person in the year, as well as a great conversationalist. Of course I respond with appropriate counter-complements, but on one occasion with a slip of the tongue (or rather, finger), she said she prefers talking to me above all others, including her boyfriend. She has also said I'm wiser, smarter and more mature than him too, as well as just as if not better looking.

I don't want to sound stuck up here (I'm quite surprised that she thinks some of those things), but my question is:

If all of those things are true, then where the ruddy hell am I falling down?

I'd appreciate it if someone could provide an answer, and if any additional info would help I'd be glad to fill in the blanks.

Cheers, Anarion

P.S.
I didn't want to go back and insert this, but at the point where I found out about this other guy, she asked me if I would have asked her out, and I would've dropped everything and done so if I knew there was another guy (especially this one).
P.P.S.
Additionally, they had a fight about this other guy's bad behavior and immaturity that went on for days, and I was... well, comforting her at one point - I told her not to break up with him, because they obviously have a thing going - and she asked me what I would do if they broke up. I don't think I gave a definitive answer, but her asking the question was a bit, well, odd.

I think she may still have a thing for you. She has been dropping quite a number of hints and i guess you should let her know about your feelings. Maybe she's waiting for you to confess? But be subtle about it. Bring it up in a convo lightly, i guess.
Good luck!

[Anarion]

Okay, I've read all the responses - thanks for commenting - and I'm just going to add some points, especially in response to maniamsmart. She knows exactly what I think and how much I like her, and has said repeatedly that the only reason she is going out with this guy is that "I wasn't there", which is fine - in fact you already guessed that. And yes, I am always very clear and frank, though I do agree that me telling her not to break up with the guy was a mistake, but one made with the best of intentions.

While I may have made it seem like I'm shy, I'm not, and quite forward - or at least I was before I found out she was dating a guy behind my back (we had a mutual agreement that we weren't going to go out for a while). That kinda ticked me off.

However, there is another side to this. She has a twin sister that I have been talking to, just as friends, and she voiced her opinion that her sister has been leading me on because she enjoys the attention of two guys. Additionally, she thinks her sister has been taking me for granted, an opinion which I second.

This I learned after I decided to let her know that we were done talking. This I did in a very polite manner, I hope, though she seemed quite distraught. I had said that it would be better to give it a break, so as to better move on from her. My reasons were twofold. One - I can't really move on if she is leading me on, which I feel she is, and two - if I really mean that much to her, then hopefully she will realize it in my absence, and perhaps... well I don't know what I'm hoping for.

Thoughts? Was that a good or bad idea..?

[maniamsmart]

Okay, I've read all the responses - thanks for commenting - and I'm just going to add some points, especially in response to maniamsmart. She knows exactly what I think and how much I like her, and has said repeatedly that the only reason she is going out with this guy is that "I wasn't there", which is fine - in fact you already guessed that. And yes, I am always very clear and frank, though I do agree that me telling her not to break up with the guy was a mistake, but one made with the best of intentions.

While I may have made it seem like I'm shy, I'm not, and quite forward - or at least I was before I found out she was dating a guy behind my back (we had a mutual agreement that we weren't going to go out for a while). That kinda ticked me off.

However, there is another side to this. She has a twin sister that I have been talking to, just as friends, and she voiced her opinion that her sister has been leading me on because she enjoys the attention of two guys. Additionally, she thinks her sister has been taking me for granted, an opinion which I second.

This I learned after I decided to let her know that we were done talking. This I did in a very polite manner, I hope, though she seemed quite distraught. I had said that it would be better to give it a break, so as to better move on from her. My reasons were twofold. One - I can't really move on if she is leading me on, which I feel she is, and two - if I really mean that much to her, then hopefully she will realize it in my absence, and perhaps... well I don't know what I'm hoping for.

Thoughts? Was that a good or bad idea..?

Okay, so since it's simply because you "weren't there" then it really is just a waiting game, and just making yourself seem like the better guy by continuing to be there for her. Kind of sucks, but there is nothing else you can really do that is rational.

As for what you've done, I think it's an excellent idea. Not only is it a good for your own health and emotional state of mind, but also to really decipher her. As you said, and from what I'm interpreting from this situation she does hold you to a very high regard. And if what her sister says is true (which we don't know), then she won't make an effort to talk to you and try to get back and get close with you. However, you must also be aware that this could cause the both of you to become very distant from each other and ruin any chance you may have left with her. But, more importantly I think, this is a great idea because it really will test how honest she was this whole time and if her high regards towards you were all truthful.

As for stringing you along, I am not 100% sure if she is, because I'd have to see the conversations you two have. I've seen many cases where girls do just like the attention and just want to string guys along. It is not something new, and it is very possible. So I do want you to be aware that this could be very likely, but isn't something you should fully fall on to make a point or justification. Before I thought you never made it very clear to her that you wanted her, but it seems like you have and she is just with someone at the moment. So the decision you made is the same decision I would have made, and I think now you will just have to continue to play the waiting game though.

Just know though, if she doesn't seem to be showing any interest in you anymore, and perhaps was just stringing you along, don't be devastated. There are girls that will appreciate you, and it's not worth to be sad and depressed over someone that didn't really love you, or care about you for who you really are, and just for attention. So if it comes to a point in time where you feel like you're depressed or stuck and can't get her out of your head, I am always here to help :) But I think you did the right thing.

[Anarion]

Again, thanks for replying.

All your advice seems pretty good to me, and makes sense. One thing I might want to clear up is that I believe, at least currently, that this girl was not intentionally stringing me on, nor simply playing for attention. Of course, this desire could very well be subconscious, however I think that she sincerely thought she was doing me a favour by being my "friend". Obviously it's not, but I guess she still has a thing for me, somewhere, that she simply isn't letting out.

That said, it is a waiting game regardless. Her sister, again, has voiced her opinion multiple times that her and her boyfriend will break up quite soon, though they've been going strong for longer than expected. However, as she is Indian, I wouldn't want to face her parents' wrath if they found out haha.

Again, I'm not too worried about this at all. In fact, since it's highschool, the entire thing is closer to a game than it is romance, and I enjoy playing it, however it may work out. Though I am completely baffled by this girl, to be honest. I have had a pretty strong thing for her for three years, but I'm wary to call it love. Ah well - such is life

EDIT: Actually, when she told me she'd been seeing this jackass, my friend and I actually figured out I was going through the five stages of grief, which, with a bit of research, turns out to be a common response to losing a strong relationship. So food for thought I guess

[maniamsmart]

Again, thanks for replying.

All your advice seems pretty good to me, and makes sense. One thing I might want to clear up is that I believe, at least currently, that this girl was not intentionally stringing me on, nor simply playing for attention. Of course, this desire could very well be subconscious, however I think that she sincerely thought she was doing me a favour by being my "friend". Obviously it's not, but I guess she still has a thing for me, somewhere, that she simply isn't letting out.

That said, it is a waiting game regardless. Her sister, again, has voiced her opinion multiple times that her and her boyfriend will break up quite soon, though they've been going strong for longer than expected. However, as she is Indian, I wouldn't want to face her parents' wrath if they found out haha.

Again, I'm not too worried about this at all. In fact, since it's highschool, the entire thing is closer to a game than it is romance, and I enjoy playing it, however it may work out. Though I am completely baffled by this girl, to be honest. I have had a pretty strong thing for her for three years, but I'm wary to call it love. Ah well - such is life

EDIT: Actually, when she told me she'd been seeing this jackass, my friend and I actually figured out I was going through the five stages of grief, which, with a bit of research, turns out to be a common response to losing a strong relationship. So food for thought I guess

Many people don't really know what love is, and the fact that you are aware about calling it that shows you're really mature and have a good understanding of how complex it can be. You'll soon learn what it is through experiences, because one can only say so much to only give you a piece of it.

I am glad it isn't affecting you too much and you see it as something that is considered more of "a game". However, you may never know, some high school relationships end up staying really strong because both persons in the relationship are playing the game correctly and helping each other win. If that makes any sense? :P

I wish you the best of luck though and if you have any other updates or further question feel free to ask I'll always be here to help :)

[Anarion]

Cheers, I will certainly do so