Karkat
November 17th, 2014, 04:09 AM
A lot of you may have your suspicions as to whom this is about, and you'd be totally correct.
Also, sorry in advance about the inevitable wall of text. TL;DR: I need ideas on how to communicate with Charlie and deal with my weird insecure habits I have as a result of not having any stability in this relationship.
So I'm in a... Sort of sexual relationship with my best guy friend (as in not romantic.) (We're 500miles apart, so it's been purely digital so far [aside from some extremely tame cuddling and a platonic peck on the cheek] but the next time I see him [-]I'm gonna fuck him[/-] we're planning on spending time together maybe)
And sexually, we are so compatible. That's cool. Initially, I was fine with him just being my buddy whom I also want to fuck. Yenno. I was 100% cool with not having, and never having a relationship.
Until my heart pulled a dick move and decided I was in love with him. I mean, we had feelings to some degree at one point, but now, I am mad about him, and he's confused and scared, and generally not feeling the same way I do.
He still loves me as a friend, he is the first to try to talk me back from the ledge and holy FUCK you can tell the man cares about you with the way he does it. But everything beyond that, he doesn't want to decide until we're together in person.
Shouldn't be a big issue, we're moving in together.
So what's the issue then, you ask?
Making it that far with my sanity intact.
I've got two major issues: communicating with him (effectively- I try to communicate with him all the time), and dealing with my anxieties about the relationship.
1. If I tell him I miss him, or I want to talk, he usually just ignores me. I usually text him before I call, should I just stop doing that before I call him? I'd imagine he'd just tell me it isn't a good time or text me so. I guess it couldn't hurt. But what if that still gains no progress?
Also, I have Snapchat, I snap him sometimes. Should I use the video feature to send him little messages? Is that too...Desperate?? I did get through to him a little bit tonight, and he says he's not avoiding me on purpose, he just gets like that with texting, but UGH how is our relationship supposed to last long enough for me to move in with him if I never talk to him- and NEVER have any meaningful conversations with him?? (And he is VERY much a meaningful conversations kinda guy. He's thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate. We have a sort of a "thinker" quality in common.)
2. First off, I know that even if we get together, it's unlikely that we'll be longtime or lifetime partners-what we want in life is too antipodal. There would be a lot of major sacrifice, and on whose behalf?
Mine. I am a submissive partner.
However, I'm also a fairly independent person when I want to be, so it's more likely than not that any kind of relationship with him would end when we came to a fork in the road.
...This terrifies me. I know it's going to fade over time, I'll get over him someday, and I'll move on, but I don't want to. I know that I've said this not once, but twice before, but I never want to be with anyone else.
The thing that bothers me the most is the pure amount of passion and intimacy between us. I feel like as rocky as our relationship can be, it can be so pure and strong as well.
With my past two boyfriends, I felt protective and all, but with my friend, it's intense. I try to be very attentive to how he's feeling. I feel like I need to be on top of it. And while my last two boyfriends and I had good chemistry, the chemistry between Charlie and I is... Unbelievable. We also have a lot of common interests, but we have opposites that balance each other out well also.
I mean, my heart says "marry him and have his babies", my head says "Noooooooo"
But my head is still terrified of the day that I won't get to be this close to him. It's been a huge cause of anxiety for months, and I hate it. (Part of me wants to be over him; part of me wants him to kiss me, wrap his arms around me, tell me he's never going to leave.)
The other anxiety issue, in direct correlation with the above, is that I get extremely whiny/pouty when he doesn't give me attention, I get pretty jealous (Note: Not CONTROLLING, I do not like that shit) when he talks about his friend he wants to fuck, and his other friend that he took to prom and is fairly mad about (it should be noted that I'm high-priority though- he feels like my protector in a way, constantly trying to help me feel better by telling me to set alarms to do things to take care of myself. Also should be noted that I'm really the only person he's been sexual like this with. So while I'm probably justified for feeling a little insecure about his...Position here, I don't actually have a lot to worry about.), etc.
I try to monopolize his time, and this is partially because I haven't seen him in forever, and I don't have a ton of other people. Charlie has been the marble pillar of human contact for me lately, like Matt used to be before I made him flip out, and without Charlie, I may go almost a day without talking to another human being at times. I can't handle that.
Another reason: I don't feel secure in this relationship. At all. Not even as a friend (I have a hard time feeling my friends are going to stick around forever now) or a sexual partner. He's told me that if we spent more time together in person, he might want to be in a relationship with me, but I feel like that is constantly threatened by a little thing called "time and chance". I'm constantly worried that he'll find someone better before I even get to visit him. Before I even get to KISS him. (Still mad about not going to Lagoon with him.)
Please. If you have any suggestions about how to cope with those anxieties, tell me. I hate being this way- I don't mean to be "that person". I don't want to suffocate him or push him away.
Also, I'd like to mention that I have GAD. I'm starting medication for it currently, but I don't know how much it'll help.
Anyways, once again, I'm sorry for the wall of text, but I'm in serious need of help. .-.
Also, sorry in advance about the inevitable wall of text. TL;DR: I need ideas on how to communicate with Charlie and deal with my weird insecure habits I have as a result of not having any stability in this relationship.
So I'm in a... Sort of sexual relationship with my best guy friend (as in not romantic.) (We're 500miles apart, so it's been purely digital so far [aside from some extremely tame cuddling and a platonic peck on the cheek] but the next time I see him [-]I'm gonna fuck him[/-] we're planning on spending time together maybe)
And sexually, we are so compatible. That's cool. Initially, I was fine with him just being my buddy whom I also want to fuck. Yenno. I was 100% cool with not having, and never having a relationship.
Until my heart pulled a dick move and decided I was in love with him. I mean, we had feelings to some degree at one point, but now, I am mad about him, and he's confused and scared, and generally not feeling the same way I do.
He still loves me as a friend, he is the first to try to talk me back from the ledge and holy FUCK you can tell the man cares about you with the way he does it. But everything beyond that, he doesn't want to decide until we're together in person.
Shouldn't be a big issue, we're moving in together.
So what's the issue then, you ask?
Making it that far with my sanity intact.
I've got two major issues: communicating with him (effectively- I try to communicate with him all the time), and dealing with my anxieties about the relationship.
1. If I tell him I miss him, or I want to talk, he usually just ignores me. I usually text him before I call, should I just stop doing that before I call him? I'd imagine he'd just tell me it isn't a good time or text me so. I guess it couldn't hurt. But what if that still gains no progress?
Also, I have Snapchat, I snap him sometimes. Should I use the video feature to send him little messages? Is that too...Desperate?? I did get through to him a little bit tonight, and he says he's not avoiding me on purpose, he just gets like that with texting, but UGH how is our relationship supposed to last long enough for me to move in with him if I never talk to him- and NEVER have any meaningful conversations with him?? (And he is VERY much a meaningful conversations kinda guy. He's thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate. We have a sort of a "thinker" quality in common.)
2. First off, I know that even if we get together, it's unlikely that we'll be longtime or lifetime partners-what we want in life is too antipodal. There would be a lot of major sacrifice, and on whose behalf?
Mine. I am a submissive partner.
However, I'm also a fairly independent person when I want to be, so it's more likely than not that any kind of relationship with him would end when we came to a fork in the road.
...This terrifies me. I know it's going to fade over time, I'll get over him someday, and I'll move on, but I don't want to. I know that I've said this not once, but twice before, but I never want to be with anyone else.
The thing that bothers me the most is the pure amount of passion and intimacy between us. I feel like as rocky as our relationship can be, it can be so pure and strong as well.
With my past two boyfriends, I felt protective and all, but with my friend, it's intense. I try to be very attentive to how he's feeling. I feel like I need to be on top of it. And while my last two boyfriends and I had good chemistry, the chemistry between Charlie and I is... Unbelievable. We also have a lot of common interests, but we have opposites that balance each other out well also.
I mean, my heart says "marry him and have his babies", my head says "Noooooooo"
But my head is still terrified of the day that I won't get to be this close to him. It's been a huge cause of anxiety for months, and I hate it. (Part of me wants to be over him; part of me wants him to kiss me, wrap his arms around me, tell me he's never going to leave.)
The other anxiety issue, in direct correlation with the above, is that I get extremely whiny/pouty when he doesn't give me attention, I get pretty jealous (Note: Not CONTROLLING, I do not like that shit) when he talks about his friend he wants to fuck, and his other friend that he took to prom and is fairly mad about (it should be noted that I'm high-priority though- he feels like my protector in a way, constantly trying to help me feel better by telling me to set alarms to do things to take care of myself. Also should be noted that I'm really the only person he's been sexual like this with. So while I'm probably justified for feeling a little insecure about his...Position here, I don't actually have a lot to worry about.), etc.
I try to monopolize his time, and this is partially because I haven't seen him in forever, and I don't have a ton of other people. Charlie has been the marble pillar of human contact for me lately, like Matt used to be before I made him flip out, and without Charlie, I may go almost a day without talking to another human being at times. I can't handle that.
Another reason: I don't feel secure in this relationship. At all. Not even as a friend (I have a hard time feeling my friends are going to stick around forever now) or a sexual partner. He's told me that if we spent more time together in person, he might want to be in a relationship with me, but I feel like that is constantly threatened by a little thing called "time and chance". I'm constantly worried that he'll find someone better before I even get to visit him. Before I even get to KISS him. (Still mad about not going to Lagoon with him.)
Please. If you have any suggestions about how to cope with those anxieties, tell me. I hate being this way- I don't mean to be "that person". I don't want to suffocate him or push him away.
Also, I'd like to mention that I have GAD. I'm starting medication for it currently, but I don't know how much it'll help.
Anyways, once again, I'm sorry for the wall of text, but I'm in serious need of help. .-.