Empty Set
November 12th, 2014, 01:17 AM
Hello whoever reads this.
I know my feelings of happiness are only temporary. Once in a while I experience a climax of fortunate thoughts. A day where I am completely motivated by everything and preoccupied with nothing.
Until insecurities start to resurface.
Throughout the day, little events penetrate my insecurities. Maybe I'm taking it too personally when that person didn't smile back me, but the next four didn't either. Why did I say that thing before? I wish it could have been different. I recall these things by physically repeating the event. I'd talk to myself, repeating the same words I regret as if trying to change them. I'll imagine the situation and try to act it out differently (as if it were going to help).
This delusional process plagues me. It reiterates negative affirmations into my mind causing me to hate certain aspects of myself. My thoughts, my behaviors, and my abilities are under constant self scrutiny. Sometimes, compare myself to people who I believe are masters of their trades and then I pity myself for not being as great as they are. Most of the time I am discouraged when I fail to meet expectations for myself. It becomes a cyclic process, because sadness keeps me from working on these issues that I know I can change. I am self conscious.
I know I am confusing. I find it hard to express a thought. This makes it extremely difficult to explain such a complex and large problem which I experience. It's as if there are two people in my head: darkness and happiness. The darkness creates logical satisfaction which keeps my happiness down. But even if I try to combat the logic, it isn't a strong competition in my mind. Sometimes, this darker part leaks out into my physical existence resulting in me speaking in words and ways which I do not wish to speak. Rarely it causes from very minor to very severe incidents where I feel physically and mentally out of control. My body says and does what it needs to, and it exhibits chaos.
For some reason, I can't seem to appreciate how lucky I am. My life is filled with choices, chances and good fortune, but I seem to focus on the bad. There's a lot of bad, I think, but then I feel bad for considering it bad since there is at lot worse going on out there in this world. This also discourages me.
I am a hypocrite. I have a desire and a motive to talk to people in order to make them feel better. I give them advice which I don't always follow myself, but it's things that I wish I did. I feel like that makes them lost in fallacy, because my negative affirmations are of negative assumptions. They seem to feel better at the very least. I really do wish to help others, but I can't even help myself.
I ramble, rant and rave. I cannot contain myself. I have so much to say and no one to say it to. I don't believe anyone cares or if they would understand the way I need them to. I don't think they will ever understand the way I need them to, not only because it is an idealization to believe that they will ever think exactly the way I want them to, but also because they are not me.
It is for these reasons I have to fix myself. I could talk to someone for hours about my problems and identify new problems to work on, but something new always comes up. I feel like I'm trying to polish something that only gets darker and duller as I try.
So why am I posting here? Because my mind wants me to carve into myself, but even that doesn't always help. Sometimes it'll create clarity, other times it will not make me any better off than I was beforehand. It becomes more of an art than a desire to feel better. If I carve something into myself I don't like, then I'll look at it and regret it. I'll regret cutting at the wrong angle, or not going over the cut enough times. I'll regret choosing how I cut and where. I'll regret anything that I perceive as negative and it leads me to multiple kinds of self destruction.
I'm writing this because I don't know what to do, so I decided to do something else.
Thank you for your time
-Phil
I know my feelings of happiness are only temporary. Once in a while I experience a climax of fortunate thoughts. A day where I am completely motivated by everything and preoccupied with nothing.
Until insecurities start to resurface.
Throughout the day, little events penetrate my insecurities. Maybe I'm taking it too personally when that person didn't smile back me, but the next four didn't either. Why did I say that thing before? I wish it could have been different. I recall these things by physically repeating the event. I'd talk to myself, repeating the same words I regret as if trying to change them. I'll imagine the situation and try to act it out differently (as if it were going to help).
This delusional process plagues me. It reiterates negative affirmations into my mind causing me to hate certain aspects of myself. My thoughts, my behaviors, and my abilities are under constant self scrutiny. Sometimes, compare myself to people who I believe are masters of their trades and then I pity myself for not being as great as they are. Most of the time I am discouraged when I fail to meet expectations for myself. It becomes a cyclic process, because sadness keeps me from working on these issues that I know I can change. I am self conscious.
I know I am confusing. I find it hard to express a thought. This makes it extremely difficult to explain such a complex and large problem which I experience. It's as if there are two people in my head: darkness and happiness. The darkness creates logical satisfaction which keeps my happiness down. But even if I try to combat the logic, it isn't a strong competition in my mind. Sometimes, this darker part leaks out into my physical existence resulting in me speaking in words and ways which I do not wish to speak. Rarely it causes from very minor to very severe incidents where I feel physically and mentally out of control. My body says and does what it needs to, and it exhibits chaos.
For some reason, I can't seem to appreciate how lucky I am. My life is filled with choices, chances and good fortune, but I seem to focus on the bad. There's a lot of bad, I think, but then I feel bad for considering it bad since there is at lot worse going on out there in this world. This also discourages me.
I am a hypocrite. I have a desire and a motive to talk to people in order to make them feel better. I give them advice which I don't always follow myself, but it's things that I wish I did. I feel like that makes them lost in fallacy, because my negative affirmations are of negative assumptions. They seem to feel better at the very least. I really do wish to help others, but I can't even help myself.
I ramble, rant and rave. I cannot contain myself. I have so much to say and no one to say it to. I don't believe anyone cares or if they would understand the way I need them to. I don't think they will ever understand the way I need them to, not only because it is an idealization to believe that they will ever think exactly the way I want them to, but also because they are not me.
It is for these reasons I have to fix myself. I could talk to someone for hours about my problems and identify new problems to work on, but something new always comes up. I feel like I'm trying to polish something that only gets darker and duller as I try.
So why am I posting here? Because my mind wants me to carve into myself, but even that doesn't always help. Sometimes it'll create clarity, other times it will not make me any better off than I was beforehand. It becomes more of an art than a desire to feel better. If I carve something into myself I don't like, then I'll look at it and regret it. I'll regret cutting at the wrong angle, or not going over the cut enough times. I'll regret choosing how I cut and where. I'll regret anything that I perceive as negative and it leads me to multiple kinds of self destruction.
I'm writing this because I don't know what to do, so I decided to do something else.
Thank you for your time
-Phil