katiisaur
November 10th, 2014, 11:39 AM
OK, so I'm not sure how to start this...
I've been attracted to girls since 6th grade, which is when I really had any contact with girls (I was homeschooled until 6th grade) but I know its been since 6th grade because I stared at this extremely hot classmate of mine all Science class imagining myself with her physically. this went on for a few months, and I would call it a crush. But I started actually processing that these were homosexual feelings, and felt wrong about it so i pushed them away.
from then on I had no interest in boys or girls, until when I was 16 I was asked out by an older guy. Still, I had no interest but I said sure. We had cam sex and phone sex and it honestly disgusted me but I told myself it was normal and to just do it. He broke up with me eventually so a week later I asked another guy out. Point is, I have gone almost 3 years constantly being in a relationship with one guy or another. every month, a new guy. and literally after a month, give or take, I'd be bored of these guys, doing sexual things after a few weeks to maybe 3 months (with my longest relationship that lasted a year) and eventually the thought of being sexual with "him" (whoever i was dating at the time) became honestly disgusting and such a turn off. I had a boyfriend so desperate that while at my house, I was reading a take out menu and look up and he's standing there with his male parts just out there. I got SO mad and disgusted, i wanted to throw up!
I broke up with that guy. after him I dated 2 more guys long distance. the last one swore we were soul mates and i did phone sex with him for about a month, and then stopped. he'd ask for it and i tried to say no politely but it sounded like i was saying "oh GOD NO!" and then I just realized...
What if I always get turned off from guys because I'm bi? or even gay? I've always had a thing for my best friend since 6th grade, and she is actually now out as a lesbian. she never had a girlfriend, boyfriend or a kiss. I asked her out and she said yes. I was over at her house yesterday, and it was pretty awkward at first. she tried everything she could do to avoid our status until she ran out of things to do and eventually, we walked to her gazebo and sat and talked as the sun set. we talked about normal things, but then we talked about us...and we kissed...twice..the second time was my doing, because i liked it so much
I ended up not telling my mom, and one of the reasons I pushed these feelings aside was because my aunt, her sister, is a lesbian and my mom always said "If one of you guys (me and my siblings) was gay, i would be so upset but I would still love you" because we thought for the longest time my middle brother was gay, and now she has strong suspicions my oldest brother is gay....But I think I may really be gay...I took denying my feelings as far as saying vaginas are so disgusting that my OWN is disgusting too. Because that made it sound more convincing to me. But honestly, when I give up that excuse, they really arent disgusting at all. Penises are...and the more time I spent with my now girlfriend, the more i realized I hate everything about guys. the way they act, about relationships, and are stupid and immature and especially their views on female bodies, to their anatomy, their kisses, everything is disgusting to me. and this time I'm not forcing that feeling. its a real, disgusting feeling.
I did tell my mom about the kiss but she didnt want to know and doesn't know im dating my friend, and she said that just because I liked a kiss doesnt make me a lesbian...But...I've had these feelings for like 6 years...
I'm just so confused because I'm not okay with these feelings, since my mom isnt and since I tried to convince myself for 6 years that being a lesbian is gross and wrong, but I love my girlfriend and im not going to break up with her but this is just so hard to deal with so I'd really like some advice on how to deal with it...
I've been attracted to girls since 6th grade, which is when I really had any contact with girls (I was homeschooled until 6th grade) but I know its been since 6th grade because I stared at this extremely hot classmate of mine all Science class imagining myself with her physically. this went on for a few months, and I would call it a crush. But I started actually processing that these were homosexual feelings, and felt wrong about it so i pushed them away.
from then on I had no interest in boys or girls, until when I was 16 I was asked out by an older guy. Still, I had no interest but I said sure. We had cam sex and phone sex and it honestly disgusted me but I told myself it was normal and to just do it. He broke up with me eventually so a week later I asked another guy out. Point is, I have gone almost 3 years constantly being in a relationship with one guy or another. every month, a new guy. and literally after a month, give or take, I'd be bored of these guys, doing sexual things after a few weeks to maybe 3 months (with my longest relationship that lasted a year) and eventually the thought of being sexual with "him" (whoever i was dating at the time) became honestly disgusting and such a turn off. I had a boyfriend so desperate that while at my house, I was reading a take out menu and look up and he's standing there with his male parts just out there. I got SO mad and disgusted, i wanted to throw up!
I broke up with that guy. after him I dated 2 more guys long distance. the last one swore we were soul mates and i did phone sex with him for about a month, and then stopped. he'd ask for it and i tried to say no politely but it sounded like i was saying "oh GOD NO!" and then I just realized...
What if I always get turned off from guys because I'm bi? or even gay? I've always had a thing for my best friend since 6th grade, and she is actually now out as a lesbian. she never had a girlfriend, boyfriend or a kiss. I asked her out and she said yes. I was over at her house yesterday, and it was pretty awkward at first. she tried everything she could do to avoid our status until she ran out of things to do and eventually, we walked to her gazebo and sat and talked as the sun set. we talked about normal things, but then we talked about us...and we kissed...twice..the second time was my doing, because i liked it so much
I ended up not telling my mom, and one of the reasons I pushed these feelings aside was because my aunt, her sister, is a lesbian and my mom always said "If one of you guys (me and my siblings) was gay, i would be so upset but I would still love you" because we thought for the longest time my middle brother was gay, and now she has strong suspicions my oldest brother is gay....But I think I may really be gay...I took denying my feelings as far as saying vaginas are so disgusting that my OWN is disgusting too. Because that made it sound more convincing to me. But honestly, when I give up that excuse, they really arent disgusting at all. Penises are...and the more time I spent with my now girlfriend, the more i realized I hate everything about guys. the way they act, about relationships, and are stupid and immature and especially their views on female bodies, to their anatomy, their kisses, everything is disgusting to me. and this time I'm not forcing that feeling. its a real, disgusting feeling.
I did tell my mom about the kiss but she didnt want to know and doesn't know im dating my friend, and she said that just because I liked a kiss doesnt make me a lesbian...But...I've had these feelings for like 6 years...
I'm just so confused because I'm not okay with these feelings, since my mom isnt and since I tried to convince myself for 6 years that being a lesbian is gross and wrong, but I love my girlfriend and im not going to break up with her but this is just so hard to deal with so I'd really like some advice on how to deal with it...