How is it that I still have these feelings

[xXoblivionXx]

I know I said I was leaving VT and yeah, I am, I may pop in once in a while and sometimes when I have bad nights, kind of like tonight. so here I am.

It kills me deep inside that I'm still like this, that I'm still mentally unstable, thank god, much better than I was 2 years ago but there's still a long road ahead of me.

I've been thinking a lot about life and death and the universe and our roles in society and fate. and i'm still trying to figure out where i fit in all of this, aren't we all?

I just feel fat, and grotesque and unintelligent. I'm socially inapt. everyday at school i realize it more and more. I dont have many friends and the ones that i do have, we arent that close. but the worst thing that i feel is the loneliness. It's my worst enemy. i just want someone to love and care about and hold and make memories with. but its not like in the movies or in books, love isnt like that. I don't even know how to find true love.. when i see couples in the hall holding hands or kissing i get jealous. I want love, but i cant find someone who wants to love me.

I guess you can say that a lot has happened in a short amount of time and honestly each night im starting to feel more and more like how i did 2 years ago... alone and hopeless :(

[James Dean]

I want you to remember that you are special in your own way, you just haven't explored everything you have to offer yet. I suggest that you open yourself more to new things. Even if you feel as though that decision doesn't suit you, give it a try at least. You feel hopeless but I don't think all hope is gone. Talk to people that you wouldn't normally do so. Fear of rejection is very possible, though don't let it get to you. Be true to yourself and live your life proud and be thankful for the things that you do have. Don't feel isolated about not being in a relationship, you can't love anyone else if you don't love or accept yourself.

Comparing your life to others is also not a good idea. You don't know what those people deal with, there could be dark secrets behind closed doors and closets. Nobody has it easy and life isn't peaches and cream to everyone. Apply yourself with academics, friendships and career choices. Like I said before, I want you to be open and take chances and do things that you probably are iffy about. We are always here to talk to you too if you want. Expressing yourself is good and remember you can do that whenever you feel pressured. :)

[Seafood]

I want you to remember that you are special in your own way, you just haven't explored everything you have to offer yet. I suggest that you open yourself more to new things. Even if you feel as though that decision doesn't suit you, give it a try at least. You feel hopeless but I don't think all hope is gone. Talk to people that you wouldn't normally do so. Fear of rejection is very possible, though don't let it get to you. Be true to yourself and live your life proud and be thankful for the things that you do have. Don't feel isolated about not being in a relationship, you can't love anyone else if you don't love or accept yourself.

Comparing your life to others is also not a good idea. You don't know what those people deal with, there could be dark secrets behind closed doors and closets. Nobody has it easy and life isn't peaches and cream to everyone. Apply yourself with academics, friendships and career choices. Like I said before, I want you to be open and take chances and do things that you probably are iffy about. We are always here to talk to you too if you want. Expressing yourself is good and remember you can do that whenever you feel pressured. :)

Read this. Over and over.

[Karkat]

I want you to remember that you are special in your own way, you just haven't explored everything you have to offer yet. I suggest that you open yourself more to new things. Even if you feel as though that decision doesn't suit you, give it a try at least. You feel hopeless but I don't think all hope is gone. Talk to people that you wouldn't normally do so. Fear of rejection is very possible, though don't let it get to you. Be true to yourself and live your life proud and be thankful for the things that you do have. Don't feel isolated about not being in a relationship, you can't love anyone else if you don't love or accept yourself.

Comparing your life to others is also not a good idea. You don't know what those people deal with, there could be dark secrets behind closed doors and closets. Nobody has it easy and life isn't peaches and cream to everyone. Apply yourself with academics, friendships and career choices. Like I said before, I want you to be open and take chances and do things that you probably are iffy about. We are always here to talk to you too if you want. Expressing yourself is good and remember you can do that whenever you feel pressured. :)

Exactly this. And just, you know, you're never alone. Honestly? I feel like I'm worthless and inept practically every waking minute. It is how I've felt for over a decade, and it is how I will most likely continue to feel in some capacity for years. Scars that deep are tough to heal. I'm sure I'll always have my nights where insecurity comes back to bite me in the ass- EVERYONE has those nights.

The people who don't have those nights have a thing called narcissistic personality disorder, and are, somewhat ironically, mentally ill also.

You've just got to fight it. You've come a long ways over the past two years? Good. Focus on that. Lock on to it. Just think of where you'll be after two more years of fighting this!

And yeah, I know, two years is a fucking long time, but you know what else? It'll be absolutely worth it. You've just got to keep up the fight. Just keep determined to stay standing, and to keep taking each step. One foot in front of the other. No one is expecting you to run when you're so tired; it's ok to be reasonable with yourself. Just walk.

Remember that you have to take care of you- if you're struggling, you can't really give anything to anyone or anything else anyways. Anyone who expects you to can piss off. INCLUDING that negative voice in your head that keeps telling you that you can't do it. ESPECIALLY that voice.

I hope you continue to progress. Good luck. :hug:

[CosmicNoodle]

I want love, but i cant find someone who wants to love me.

Sure about that? Anyway, read what CELT said, he nailed it. See ya round special

[xXoblivionXx]

I want you to remember that you are special in your own way, you just haven't explored everything you have to offer yet. I suggest that you open yourself more to new things. Even if you feel as though that decision doesn't suit you, give it a try at least. You feel hopeless but I don't think all hope is gone. Talk to people that you wouldn't normally do so. Fear of rejection is very possible, though don't let it get to you. Be true to yourself and live your life proud and be thankful for the things that you do have. Don't feel isolated about not being in a relationship, you can't love anyone else if you don't love or accept yourself.

Comparing your life to others is also not a good idea. You don't know what those people deal with, there could be dark secrets behind closed doors and closets. Nobody has it easy and life isn't peaches and cream to everyone. Apply yourself with academics, friendships and career choices. Like I said before, I want you to be open and take chances and do things that you probably are iffy about. We are always here to talk to you too if you want. Expressing yourself is good and remember you can do that whenever you feel pressured. :)

Exactly this. And just, you know, you're never alone. Honestly? I feel like I'm worthless and inept practically every waking minute. It is how I've felt for over a decade, and it is how I will most likely continue to feel in some capacity for years. Scars that deep are tough to heal. I'm sure I'll always have my nights where insecurity comes back to bite me in the ass- EVERYONE has those nights.

The people who don't have those nights have a thing called narcissistic personality disorder, and are, somewhat ironically, mentally ill also.

You've just got to fight it. You've come a long ways over the past two years? Good. Focus on that. Lock on to it. Just think of where you'll be after two more years of fighting this!

And yeah, I know, two years is a fucking long time, but you know what else? It'll be absolutely worth it. You've just got to keep up the fight. Just keep determined to stay standing, and to keep taking each step. One foot in front of the other. No one is expecting you to run when you're so tired; it's ok to be reasonable with yourself. Just walk.

Remember that you have to take care of you- if you're struggling, you can't really give anything to anyone or anything else anyways. Anyone who expects you to can piss off. INCLUDING that negative voice in your head that keeps telling you that you can't do it. ESPECIALLY that voice.

I hope you continue to progress. Good luck. :hug:
thanks guys, it really means a lot. I've been doign all right. I just dont know what to do next. like where am i trying to go with my life? i kept having panic attacks today and i dont know what to do. i've been thinking about going back to my therapist but we will see. right now i just need to focus on school, or so they tell me.
Sure about that? Anyway, read what CELT said, he nailed it. See ya round special
i guess.. love with me is complicated and that may seem naive but its true in my mind. I dont know to love and i dont know who in real life would want to love me, and be with me.

[Karkat]

thanks guys, it really means a lot. I've been doign all right. I just dont know what to do next. like where am i trying to go with my life? i kept having panic attacks today and i dont know what to do. i've been thinking about going back to my therapist but we will see. right now i just need to focus on school, or so they tell me.

i guess.. love with me is complicated and that may seem naive but its true in my mind. I dont know to love and i dont know who in real life would want to love me, and be with me.

Just do what's best for you. :yes: Best of luck.