I made a mistake

[Lovelife090994]

I made a mistake. This is getting out of hand. The longer I stay dependent the more my mother talks about how much I am infested with the demon of homosexuality, questioning me talking to others, saying how I will go to Hell if not saved and that I should love her for not having me on the street. But, the more I hear the less I am coming to love my mother. I already have no love to and from my absent father, and my overbearing mother is soon to be next. I already loathe my family and their "beliefs" and they wonder why I don't talk to them and stay in my room or do housework.

I do so because when I do tell them things they go ballistic. I told mom I don't feel love because I want love but she says God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve again, and then threatens to put me on the streets and take my laptop, brings up how she nearly died giving birth to me, mentions how all I have to talk to is her, and says I should rebuke what ever is wrong with me. All this from me saying, "I won't let you judge me and I don't care what you think of me." I know we are supposed to love and respect our parents but right now I just want to leave or better yet be alone forever. I don't know what to do.

College was a financial bust, and now applying for local jobs is proving tough. My mother and others just can't fathom how I am as this lone-wolf character and how reserved I am. I can't tell them the whole truth about me not being fully cisgender (as if they'd understand the terminology) and I can't mention my sexuality anymore, or how I am debating if their "beliefs" are even remotely Christian. (Which I doubt since Christ is of unconditional love and over the years they have never shown that.) I hate my life and feel so trapped. I wanted to get in college to get away from my family. I hate the Thanksgivings and the Christmases and the family gatherings, I'm the black sheep and the family quandary and embarrassment. I legitimately wish I could be independent but with no money, no car, and no skills that is impossible. I was already depressed, now I feel split and dead inside. I can't even tell anyone. I have no one to tell. I need help. I know having my family know I feel unloved and unloving is tough and a slap but it's my honest feelings. I don't think I love anything anymore and I'm starting to lose my empathy with it.

[TheN3rdyOutcast]

My first thought is to lie to your mom that you studied the word of God, found out that what you were doing was wrong and have decided to lead a normal life of loving women. (You can't understand how painful is was to type that sentence).

Of course, while it has a 50/50 chance of solving your "black sheep" problems, it still leaves you with your mom. A better solution may be to ask a friend with a more...tolerant disposition if you can bunk with them.

[Lovelife090994]

My first thought is to lie to your mom that you studied the word of God, found out that what you were doing was wrong and have decided to lead a normal life of loving women. (You can't understand how painful is was to type that sentence).

Of course, while it has a 50/50 chance of solving your "black sheep" problems, it still leaves you with your mom. A better solution may be to ask a friend with a more...tolerant disposition if you can bunk with them.

I agree on the painful sentence. I may have to do that.

[James Dean]

Tell her that you agree that under Christianity, that my lifestyle is wrong, and at this point in time I'm willing to meet you halfway. I don't do drugs and I don't hang out in the wrong crowd. I'm not concerned about relationships right now. I will try to behave and be a good son to you. (While I agree with Willis. Right now it's best not to elope, because you are living under her roof, what she says goes. I know it sucks to realize that but maybe someday she will understand and support you that this isn't a phase or that you're not confused. You have other priorities that you need to figure out as well. Like with school and careers. She loves you, and she is just showing it in a unconditional way.)

Yeah if all else fails, try to find allies or friends that you can spend time with in the meantime. Not necessarily move out of the house, but maybe find a Christian lgbt group, or just some lgbt friends that live near you.

[Lovelife090994]

Tell her that you agree that under Christianity, that my lifestyle is wrong, and at this point in time I'm willing to meet you halfway. I don't do drugs and I don't hang out in the wrong crowd. I'm not concerned about relationships right now. I will try to behave and be a good son to you. (While I agree with Willis. Right now it's best not to elope, because you are living under her roof, what she says goes. I know it sucks to realize that but maybe someday she will understand and support you that this isn't a phase or that you're not confused. You have other priorities that you need to figure out as well. Like with school and careers. She loves you, and she is just showing it in a unconditional way.)

Yeah if all else fails, try to find allies or friends that you can spend time with in the meantime. Not necessarily move out of the house, but maybe find a Christian lgbt group, or just some lgbt friends that live near you.

I have told her that but she doesn't care. She thinks I'm demon-possessed and rebukes the Devil whenever I tell her I didn't choose to be like this. I have no LGBT Christians to talk to.

[James Dean]

You can try googling lgbt groups in your area, or just research more information about it. I'm really sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. I can only hope your mother cools down about it. Like I said and I really hate to say it, but while you are under her roof, you're gonna have to conform to her. She is doing it out of love and misunderstanding. When you get older and self sufficient perhaps you guys can talk more in depth about this at another date. I'm just saying try to see both sides of it. Don't lose who you are. She isn't the only religious person on earth who is against homosexuality and things of that sort. Just be positive about it.

Of course you can come here and talk and vent about it. Nothing wrong with that. Whatever you have to do feel calm. :)

[phuckphace]

I have told her that but she doesn't care. She thinks I'm demon-possessed and rebukes the Devil whenever I tell her I didn't choose to be like this. I have no LGBT Christians to talk to.

that's pretty rough man. how did she find out you were gay anyway? I would hope it isn't because you told her (:eek:)

[Lovelife090994]

that's pretty rough man. how did she find out you were gay anyway? I would hope it isn't because you told her (:eek:)


I did tell her about a few months back. She asked at first and insinuated that I may be anyway.

[Karkat]

God, I really wish I could help out, Chris. :(

One thing I do have to say is you're absolutely right. You haven't done anything wrong as far as I'm concerned. Respect is earned, and your parents clearly haven't earned it.

I just hope things get better for you soon. :(

[Lovelife090994]

God, I really wish I could help out, Chris. :(

One thing I do have to say is you're absolutely right. You haven't done anything wrong as far as I'm concerned. Respect is earned, and your parents clearly haven't earned it.

I just hope things get better for you soon. :(

Well, thank you still. I wish and pray things could change but for now they haven't and life and time are passing me by.

[Karkat]

Well, thank you still. I wish and pray things could change but for now they haven't and life and time are passing me by.

Hah, I know how that goes. I'm sorry, man.

[Lovelife090994]

Hah, I know how that goes. I'm sorry, man.

Now she's mad and worried over my insomnia and day sleeping. She thinks my laptop. Keeps me up but it's my anxiety. I can't. Stop thinking. My sleeping pills don't even work. And she's mad my staying up is making her electric bill higher when we're already struggling,. I hate I don't work and need help. She says read the Bible but it doesn't help! It is early and I want to panic. I can tell her nothing.

[Karkat]

Now she's mad and worried over my insomnia and day sleeping. She thinks my laptop. Keeps me up but it's my anxiety. I can't. Stop thinking. My sleeping pills don't even work. And she's mad my staying up is making her electric bill higher when we're already struggling,. I hate I don't work and need help. She says read the Bible but it doesn't help! It is early and I want to panic. I can tell her nothing.

I can literally relate to that so much that it's frightening. That sucks. :( I wish I knew how to help... Have you tried listening to an audiobook or soothing music or something to destress? I always try to do deep breathing when I first get in bed so my anxiety will level off, and try to focus on the book I listen to.

[Lovelife090994]

I can literally relate to that so much that it's frightening. That sucks. :( I wish I knew how to help... Have you tried listening to an audiobook or soothing music or something to destress? I always try to do deep breathing when I first get in bed so my anxiety will level off, and try to focus on the book I listen to.

I have no audiobook and my mother would take my laptop if I played music now. Breathing deeply only makes it worse. My anxiety is serious. I hate my life so much right now. I pray no family finds the secrets in my laptop or me. Why couldn't I be the normal kid born to average accepting parents~ ?

[Karkat]

I have no audiobook and my mother would take my laptop if I played music now. Breathing deeply only makes it worse. My anxiety is serious. I hate my life so much right now. I pray no family finds the secrets in my laptop or me. Why couldn't I be the normal kid born to average accepting parents~ ?

Hah, while my parents don't appear to be as harsh (then again, I'm not out to mine), I can relate there as well. I'm sorry, I wish I had other suggestions to help :(

[James Dean]

I have no audiobook and my mother would take my laptop if I played music now. Breathing deeply only makes it worse. My anxiety is serious. I hate my life so much right now. I pray no family finds the secrets in my laptop or me. Why couldn't I be the normal kid born to average accepting parents~ ?


Poor thing. You need a hug. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/hug/hug.gif

I hate my family so much sometimes. I used to often say that myself. Why couldn't I have been in a family like the ones on tv. Just be thankful for the situation that you are in. Try to see the positive, use it to make you a better person. Things happen for a reason, and you have a big story to tell. Why don't you take up writing, or art or something like that. To me, that sounds like a great idea. Getting your expressions out seems like the positive thing to do. Just take care of yourself, don't worry about it. Nobody has it easy and even the ones that seem like they do, have other things about them that you should be thankful you don't have. You have your health, you're a smart guy. I know because I'm like you. I have homophobic family members and it's a tough pill to swallow. Just chill out about it, things will work out. Don't give in or give up. Be strong about it, we are here for you, just remember that. :)

[Lovelife090994]

Poor thing. You need a hug. image (http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/hug/hug.gif)

I hate my family so much sometimes. I used to often say that myself. Why couldn't I have been in a family like the ones on tv. Just be thankful for the situation that you are in. Try to see the positive, use it to make you a better person. Things happen for a reason, and you have a big story to tell. Why don't you take up writing, or art or something like that. To me, that sounds like a great idea. Getting your expressions out seems like the positive thing to do. Just take care of yourself, don't worry about it. Nobody has it easy and even the ones that seem like they do, have other things about them that you should be thankful you don't have. You have your health, you're a smart guy. I know because I'm like you. I have homophobic family members and it's a tough pill to swallow. Just chill out about it, things will work out. Don't give in or give up. Be strong about it, we are here for you, just remember that. :)

I really hate platitudes but you seem to care. I am an artist and writer but have been in a long block. I don't have a passion for anything anymore not even art.