Gumleaf
September 25th, 2014, 07:07 PM
I'm a nutter and it makes no sense. For example today, it's almost 10am, I've been awake for 3 hours. I came online about 8am and found a lovely email from a long time friend of mine who lives on the other side of the world. Given how much she has been through it is so good to hear from her and hear how nice her life is going now. I enjoy getting these emails because I know she cares about me after all this time even though we don't talk to each other much now.
So you would think all this would be a good thing, right? Well I think it would be too. Infact, I was happy for an hour and now I've just gotten really depressed about it. I have no idea what has brought it on? Maybe it's reminded me of constantly being alone? Whether it's jealousy or what, I have no idea? What it does to me is that I tend to hate myself more because I don't want to be that way, and that upsets me more.
I just don't get it and want to be somewhat normal. I end up feeling guilty because there are many people out there, many people I know just within this community, who have it so worse then me. I'm just a stupid person who in reality has a good life but gets bogged down in stupid unnecessary depressive thoughts and stuff. I keep telling people that there is always hope, but for me I struggle to believe it myself. One step forward seems to end up being two steps back. When will this end?
So you would think all this would be a good thing, right? Well I think it would be too. Infact, I was happy for an hour and now I've just gotten really depressed about it. I have no idea what has brought it on? Maybe it's reminded me of constantly being alone? Whether it's jealousy or what, I have no idea? What it does to me is that I tend to hate myself more because I don't want to be that way, and that upsets me more.
I just don't get it and want to be somewhat normal. I end up feeling guilty because there are many people out there, many people I know just within this community, who have it so worse then me. I'm just a stupid person who in reality has a good life but gets bogged down in stupid unnecessary depressive thoughts and stuff. I keep telling people that there is always hope, but for me I struggle to believe it myself. One step forward seems to end up being two steps back. When will this end?