insecure/jealousy issues

[ezekialar]

So basically, why is it that guys are so jealous and insecure over their girlfriends all of the time? I mean, I love this girl, like, i think i'm really in love with this girl, and i trust her with my life, but past experiences have taught me not to trust people in important relationships. I know I shouldnt expect her to make mistakes and harm me like other people in my past have done, but i still do.

E.X.-
I know she is hangin out with her friends tonight, and i couldnt go with her tonight, but i know that she is getting drunk with them. And i just have that gut feeling that something is going to happen or she is gonna fuck up somehow. but I wont tell her because i feel like i have no right to say anything to her because it isnt my place to tell her what she can and cant do. I think im just worrying too much about it. But what should i do? Is there anyway to calm myself down about it?

[jaymacs]

I used to have this problem. It was my own insecurity and nothing else. It would destroy my relationships.

But my confidence in myself grew, as did my trust -- i'd learned from past relationships that trust really does play a big part. You just have to look at this girl, and try to see if she really cares about you. If she does, she's trustworthy. You just have to relax and let go.

Basically ask yourself, what would you do in the same situation? You're drunk with your friends, maybe some attractive girls around...would you make a move? If not, then she probably won't either.

You're expecting this from her because of your past relationships...but the past is just that; the past. It's behind you, the only thing left now is to think about the future. This girl must not be like the girls from your past...that's why you chose her, right?

Here's a way to calm yourself down about it -- see what happens. She got drunk, and she went home or whatever. If nothing happened, then you should trust her. If something did happen, it'll hurt, but she's obviously not the girl for you.

I've found that the more insecure you are in a relationship, the more destructive it is and the more the girl wants out of the relationship anyways.

Post back after you find out what went on.

[Maverick]

Trust and security in a relationship takes a long time to build. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes years before you can be completely secure with someone.

The key thing is to not let these feelings and thoughts get the best of you. You seem like a nice guy from what I can tell from when we talked on AIM, but out of control jealousy can bring the worst out of you.

Every time you feel this way you just have to talk yourself down and get your mind on other things. As time goes on you won't feel this way so much.

[ezekialar]

I used to have this problem. It was my own insecurity and nothing else. It would destroy my relationships.

But my confidence in myself grew, as did my trust -- i'd learned from past relationships that trust really does play a big part. You just have to look at this girl, and try to see if she really cares about you. If she does, she's trustworthy. You just have to relax and let go.

Basically ask yourself, what would you do in the same situation? You're drunk with your friends, maybe some attractive girls around...would you make a move? If not, then she probably won't either.

You're expecting this from her because of your past relationships...but the past is just that; the past. It's behind you, the only thing left now is to think about the future. This girl must not be like the girls from your past...that's why you chose her, right?

Here's a way to calm yourself down about it -- see what happens. She got drunk, and she went home or whatever. If nothing happened, then you should trust her. If something did happen, it'll hurt, but she's obviously not the girl for you.

I've found that the more insecure you are in a relationship, the more destructive it is and the more the girl wants out of the relationship anyways.

Post back after you find out what went on.


hey,

This is the first time ive been on since i posted this.
but she didnt drink that much i guess...but her friends dared her to smoke dog-food so she did it. wtf? I just dont want her to do dumb things...especially when shes sober. what happens when shes drunk or high?
i talked to her about some of this stuff and she said she wasnt gonna smoke weed and w/e, but it still bothers me that she tries to hide stuff from me like smoking a cig or drinking. Its not that i dont want her to do anything at all, but ive been here, ive smoked weed, drank, ive done some stupid shit. and i dont want anything to happen to her.
she doesnt understand that one little mistake can fuck up the rest of her life. My brother go in an accident from drinkin and drivin and he hit a tree and almost died. its hard for me to let her do stuff that could let something like that happen.

[ScotsGirl]

A few of the things you mentioned are things that you have experienced for yourself, and have learned from them.
As great as it is to be able to learn from other peoples mistakes and/or experiences, sometimes you have to experience things for yourself to be able to truly learn from them.

And part of loving/caring about someone, is standing back and letting them make those choices and have those experiences. Yes, you can be there for them are try to guide them, but at the end of the day, it is their life and their decision.

You said that she tries to hide stuff from you. Have you thought about why she does that?
It might be an idea to talk with her some more about it, making it clear you want her to be open and tell you things that she does, even if they are stupid. However, you have to also be sure that you won't judge, or lecture her for doing those things.
Relationships are about compromise right :P

Anyway, I hope it works out :)

xxx