Thinking of suicide please help ?

[newuser]

So when I was younger me and me cousin who is a girl we use to make out and I use to kiss and fondle her. And when I was even younger when I stayed up late and there was this scene on some show that was between two men it didnt get me aroused but I was thinking I should go to sleep.Then in 2nd grade there was a girl who I kinda had a crush on and when we were watching a movie and she fell asleep and I tried to perform the same acts on her I did on my cousin but she woke up and it didn't feel right. Then there was a boy who teased me by humping my bike twice and I was curious so I did it and I felt weird . Then I think in 4th grade I had a toy that out of now where I put it on my shorts and I to this day have no idea why I did it There was another girl who I had a crush on but was to scare to tell her and this was in 2nd grade .Then there was 5th grade which was the worst grade ever kids would make comments that I'm gay which I'm not at least I don't think so. They would make awful comments saying I had gay incest which was disturbed me I had a huge crush and even sexual feelings for this one girl in particular but then I think it was sometime during summer or near summer that the thought of being with a man and a girl. When I would masturbate it was women that I got pleasure from. The thoughts of being with a man didn't do anything for me. Though there were some gay stories I had discovered by accident that got me aroused .then I started to masturbate but I also imagined doing the same things with women. It was weird because I even said to myself if it I would never do this with any boy because I didn't feel that way about them. then there was the thought of being a pedophile which disturbed and disgusted me but that went away soon These thoughts stopped completely in 6th and 7th grade but when I was on vacation I also read another story that was about lesbians. I was only interested in women and had a crush and sexual feelings for 2 girls. I think in 8th grade the thoughts got into my head once or twice but they didnt bother me because I knew I wasn't gay and I wouldnt act on them. Then the thoughts would get into my head while I was masturbating and it would disgust me because my only interest was women. This happened in 9th grade. Now in 10th grade one day I woke up and the gay incest thoughts came back and so did the pedophile thoughts. There also are incest thoughts with another family member and the thoughts try to be about other ones but they aren't strong at all. How ever when I see kissing and sex on tv or online the gay incest thoughts happen. So I have been depressed ever since I have had thoughts of killing myself, putting myself in a coma something to escape all this. I should note that I have been in virtual school since 8th grade and have no friends and dont get out much at all and that I'm 15 and I am going through puberty. My mother thinks I need to get out more and find something to do but I cant help it. I have been so confused about my sexuality though sometimes I find it easier to separate what I really want from my thoughts. I told my mother this but I wanted to see if anyone else knows what is going on. Am I gay ? Am I a pedophile ? Is it hormones and social isolation because my mother is the only person I talk to ? Can someone please tell me what it is I'm losing my sanity. Please help.

[Karkat]

1. You can't be a pedophile at 15. If you are sexually attracted to children in 10 years, you have a problem, but until then, you don't exactly fit the definition.
2. You might be bisexual, but I doubt it. These "gay incest thoughts" seem to be more anxiety-causing and alarming than anything. You might have some type of anxiety disorder (OCD or PTSD), and I'd suggest explaining how you feel to a therapist who specializes with anxiety.
3. Beyond that, I can't tell you a whole ton, I'm sorry. These sound a lot like PTSD triggered thoughts, because they're traumatizing to you, but I'm not a professional.

[newuser]

1. You can't be a pedophile at 15. If you are sexually attracted to children in 10 years, you have a problem, but until then, you don't exactly fit the definition.
2. You might be bisexual, but I doubt it. These "gay incest thoughts" seem to be more anxiety-causing and alarming than anything. You might have some type of anxiety disorder (OCD or PTSD), and I'd suggest explaining how you feel to a therapist who specializes with anxiety.
3. Beyond that, I can't tell you a whole ton, I'm sorry. These sound a lot like PTSD triggered thoughts, because they're traumatizing to you, but I'm not a professional.

Yeah I think it could be OCD I mean when Im not obsessing or trying to test myself I'm having fun and not noticing. Even when I had the idea of being with the same sex I still imagined women and in real life I only got crushes on women and if I see a attractive woman I'm going to notice immediately but if Im not obsessing in my head or trying to test myself I dont go crazy do you think anti-depressants will help with these thoughts ?

[Karkat]

Yeah I think it could be OCD I mean when Im not obsessing or trying to test myself I'm having fun and not noticing. Even when I had the idea of being with the same sex I still imagined women and in real life I only got crushes on women and if I see a attractive woman I'm going to notice immediately but if Im not obsessing in my head or trying to test myself I dont go crazy do you think anti-depressants will help with these thoughts ?

Anti-depressants do not help with obsessive thoughts. While they help with the disorder OCD, they will not suddenly make your thoughts vanish- you need to learn to deal with them.

Have you tried meditation? If you stop thinking so much inside of your head about things, and focus on the present, and the present sensations, this is how you deal with thoughts.

Thinking about not thinking about it is literally impossible. You're still thinking about it that way.

I'd say to avoid the triggers as much as you can until you feel comfortable with your sexuality. Focus on things in life that matter more.

[newuser]

Anti-depressants do not help with obsessive thoughts. While they help with the disorder OCD, they will not suddenly make your thoughts vanish- you need to learn to deal with them.

Have you tried meditation? If you stop thinking so much inside of your head about things, and focus on the present, and the present sensations, this is how you deal with thoughts.

Thinking about not thinking about it is literally impossible. You're still thinking about it that way.

I'd say to avoid the triggers as much as you can until you feel comfortable with your sexuality. Focus on things in life that matter more.

So avoid porn or anything because if I see kissing or anything like that on tv I then start thinking about sex Also should I keep myself busy with other things ? Also do hormones have anything to do with this will trying to balance them out help ? Also are you sure about anti depressants ? I heard Anafranil works best

[Karkat]

So avoid porn or anything because if I see kissing or anything like that on tv I then start thinking about sex Also should I keep myself busy with other things ? Also do hormones have anything to do with this will trying to balance them out help ? Also are you sure about anti depressants ? I heard Anafranil works best

If it bothers you, then yes.

Keeping yourself busy with other things is a good way to cope with it.

Er, you're a teenager. It's highly unlikely that there's anything wrong with you hormonally, and even if there was, it'd be hard to find out because of all of the hormonal changes taking place. Even then, hormones wouldn't give you obsessive thoughts that give you anxiety.

Once again, while those who have OCD are usually prescribed antidepressants, antidepressants do not take away obsessive thoughts. Coping skills do. You have to teach yourself to think mindfully, and to distract yourself when you get too far into your own head.

[newuser]

If it bothers you, then yes.

Keeping yourself busy with other things is a good way to cope with it.

Er, you're a teenager. It's highly unlikely that there's anything wrong with you hormonally, and even if there was, it'd be hard to find out because of all of the hormonal changes taking place. Even then, hormones wouldn't give you obsessive thoughts that give you anxiety.

Once again, while those who have OCD are usually prescribed antidepressants, antidepressants do not take away obsessive thoughts. Coping skills do. You have to teach yourself to think mindfully, and to distract yourself when you get too far into your own head.

Well I heard that puberty sends hormones to the brain that causes these thoughts since I've read tons of other similar stories and that these things are normal

[jayjay's toocool]

ok ive been through your thoughts. when you go out whats stopping you from saying hi to girls and guys.

[Karkat]

Well I heard that puberty sends hormones to the brain that causes these thoughts since I've read tons of other similar stories and that these things are normal

Well it can make you have sexual thoughts, yes, but it's not going to make you traumatized and suicidal...