Might as well put it out there

[IfPiratesCouldFly]

The past ten years of my life I've lived in a house with an abusive parent, and this parent has only gotten worse through those ten years. I've known it has been going on since I was five years old, with the yelling, and screaming and cursing, gradually turning into the beating the throwing the breaking, to the threatening the basically trying to kill me/mother, and the alcoholism. Just 2 months ago I got out of it after being threatened to be killed by my dad, we had moved out on new years eve, and up intil now I haven't thought twice about everything that happened, but now lately with issues with my girlfriend, her being abused by her mom, it's brought back memories of it, and I hadn't thought that these memories would ever bother me, but they did of course, I suppose the stacked up issues hadn't helped either, but now I'm wanting to go back to him, I want to kill the man to be honest, knowing thats illegal, I want him to suffer some sort of punishment. Knowing the fact that he lives on his own, with no one, no family, no friends, nothing doesn't satisfy me. I truely want him to feel exactly what I had, and I don't agree with those feelings. I don't feel that I should want to stoop to his level, and be revengeful, but I can't help how I feel. I'm not at all impulsive, and I know I can help these feelings, but just having them hurts enough.

But the biggest point of this, is my biggest fear; What if I become like him? What if become abusive to my wife when I am older, and to my children, a revengeful bastard with so many mental conditions and alcohol problems (I drink quite a lot :/) So I'm really scared :/. I feel like I've taken the same road as him only worst.
He just passed school, I'm failing.
He became an alcoholic in his 50's
I'm becoming one now.

The only thing that I can see a large difference, is our senses of morality, and anger. He gets angry easily, I can't be pissed off. But I'm still afraid of what might happen.

Anyway, I suppose this is more of a vent, than anything, I needed to say it I guess.

[jaymacs]

It's good that you're venting.

How much do you drink? How often do you drink? Why do you drink? If you don't have a reason for drinking, if you're drinking just to get away from thoughts or feelings, i'd suggest cutting down. Drink only socially or something, if you drink alone.

You're right about your difference with your father: that alone is a big factor in who you grow to be. My guess is he didn't see anything wrong with abuse. You do, and you have the desire not to be like him. This in itself means you're smart enough to not be like him; especially since you've seen how everyone, including yourself, is affected by this.

And about the feelings you're having that are hurting you...would you try writing them out? It doesn't have to be on this forum, maybe on a notepad or something, but try to focus your thoughts and see how you really feel. It might help with the pain. And the fear you're having, it's just fear...it's good that you're conscious of these feelings, that you're not supressing them, so when time comes you'll know how to act.

[IfPiratesCouldFly]

Yeahh,
I drink quite a lot, not everyday anymore, I have been sober for about a week now, but lately I'm doubting thats going to last, and I do drink socially, but thats a lot, and even alone I do when I'm bored and juss dont feel like being awake anymore.

But I'm only 15, I don't know what I'll become, which is why I'm afraid.

My feelings are simple, I want him to be in a lot of pain, the feelings are like little donkeys being whipped, and kicking away at my inner conciousness.

I do write out the feelings, I write songs, lots of them, and then I get sick of those particular songs and throw them away.
Anyway, I appreciate the help there, thanks a lot :3

[jaymacs]

You write songs? Lyrics, instrument, what? I'd love to hear them sometime.

[IfPiratesCouldFly]

Guitar, lyrics, etc.
Its screamo tho, some acoustic stuff but yeahh I dont have any of the padre songs recorded :/

[jaymacs]

I play guitar too. Electric, though. I used to be really into screamo, then got out of it, but recently i've been getting back into it.

Anyways, show me some of your stuff sometime. :)

[IfPiratesCouldFly]

hah, thats cool :3, and yehh i will, thanks for all the help tho, I appreciate it.

[scassie]

I think because you are awar of the problem you might be able to control yorself better.

[Techno Monster]

It is never to late to turn your life around.

[IfPiratesCouldFly]

I know this but, there's some things in my life I am very unhappy about and things I am extremely happy about. I mean, other than the memories of my dad, I'm enjoying my life, I have a girlfriend who I love, I have a band which I love, I have a mom who I love, I don't really want to turn my life around, the only thing I'm really missing is a father, its like the one part of me that has never been.

[scassie]

I never had a real dad and the ones who pretended had other things in mind so i know how u feel. u are lucky to have a good mom.
soon you can be on your own when you are 18. don't do anything that will get you in trouble and you know deep down what that is.