KimuraWannabe116
September 1st, 2014, 09:35 PM
Hey guys, I've been getting more depressed lately, and I just feel like venting out / telling my story.
Ok, so things right now are not going well for me at all. I'm a about to go back to school tomorrow, and the students usually think I'm a very outgoing and funny guy to be around, especially last year. That's pretty much the only side I show people. But thoughout last year, outside of school, I was depressed inside, usually the most at night. I just felt and still feel so isolated from everyone else. It was around 2 years ago that I started to become more and more isolated from everyone else, and I eventually switched schools around a year and a half ago, since I was dealing with home problems. I just look back when I was happy and full of life. I was so energetic and adventours, and I use to hang out with a lot of people outside of school too. I had a best friend, I went to parties, gatherings, others houses, you name it. It seems like the summer of 7th grade, going into 8th is when my apperences became less and less frequent. I eventually lost my best friend in consequence of this. I switched to an alternative school ( which is a school for kids dealing with issues ) in March of 2013, since there were things that were going on at home. I use to argue with my dad a lot, and it was effecting me at school.
Home eventually got better, but my depression was on the rise. I just completely cut off all social interactions outside of school ( with the exception of my family ) at this point. I would stay up as late as 4:30 in the morning watching movies on my laptop for the next 6 months after transferring schools. I was in my own world pretty much at this point. During 9th grade, I was becoming more social at school, trying to act happy and such. I made jokes, people laughed, but at the same time, it didn't even matter, since It was overshadowed by the slumber I had created. I still, had no social interactions outside of school.
Around spring time this year, it got much worse, since I was feeling pretty much hopeless at this point. It got to the point, where I was thinking it would be better if I was dead. I didn't act out on these thoughts, but it sure felt like the weight of the world was falling on me. It was also during spring time, where I started weightlifting, which I still do. I'm now recognizing that this is pretty much one of the only things that I am doing that is keeping me going, and pretty much keeping me alive. May wasn't such a bad month, I hung out with one of my old friends a few times, and I was outside more then usual. But that soon came to an end, and I pretty much had gone back to being sad at night.
THEN A MAJOR SET BACK: July 6th 2014 was honestly the worst day of my life. I had the unfortunate oppertunity to be the first one to discover my cousin after he had killed himself. When I saw him, I think I had blacked out for a few seconds, not recognizing what I had just seen. Already being as down as I was, this had just truamitized me. Since that experience, I have pretty much just shutdown.
Now that I am going back to school, I've decided I'm just not talking to anyone this year. But at the same time, I'm going to try to get back with some of my old friends from my other school. Though, I'm afraid I won't be able to hold on to any friendships. I'm just so confused and lost right now, and I haven't really gone into full on out detail, since there are a few things that are very important that have also contributed to my depression. I could write a whole lot more if I wanted to.
I guess I'm just asking for help. I am trying my damn hardest to stay strong, but it is very difficult, and tiring. I just feel like not even existing anymore. I just need some help, and I'm trying to reach out, since I'm kind of desperate for some help.
Ok, so things right now are not going well for me at all. I'm a about to go back to school tomorrow, and the students usually think I'm a very outgoing and funny guy to be around, especially last year. That's pretty much the only side I show people. But thoughout last year, outside of school, I was depressed inside, usually the most at night. I just felt and still feel so isolated from everyone else. It was around 2 years ago that I started to become more and more isolated from everyone else, and I eventually switched schools around a year and a half ago, since I was dealing with home problems. I just look back when I was happy and full of life. I was so energetic and adventours, and I use to hang out with a lot of people outside of school too. I had a best friend, I went to parties, gatherings, others houses, you name it. It seems like the summer of 7th grade, going into 8th is when my apperences became less and less frequent. I eventually lost my best friend in consequence of this. I switched to an alternative school ( which is a school for kids dealing with issues ) in March of 2013, since there were things that were going on at home. I use to argue with my dad a lot, and it was effecting me at school.
Home eventually got better, but my depression was on the rise. I just completely cut off all social interactions outside of school ( with the exception of my family ) at this point. I would stay up as late as 4:30 in the morning watching movies on my laptop for the next 6 months after transferring schools. I was in my own world pretty much at this point. During 9th grade, I was becoming more social at school, trying to act happy and such. I made jokes, people laughed, but at the same time, it didn't even matter, since It was overshadowed by the slumber I had created. I still, had no social interactions outside of school.
Around spring time this year, it got much worse, since I was feeling pretty much hopeless at this point. It got to the point, where I was thinking it would be better if I was dead. I didn't act out on these thoughts, but it sure felt like the weight of the world was falling on me. It was also during spring time, where I started weightlifting, which I still do. I'm now recognizing that this is pretty much one of the only things that I am doing that is keeping me going, and pretty much keeping me alive. May wasn't such a bad month, I hung out with one of my old friends a few times, and I was outside more then usual. But that soon came to an end, and I pretty much had gone back to being sad at night.
THEN A MAJOR SET BACK: July 6th 2014 was honestly the worst day of my life. I had the unfortunate oppertunity to be the first one to discover my cousin after he had killed himself. When I saw him, I think I had blacked out for a few seconds, not recognizing what I had just seen. Already being as down as I was, this had just truamitized me. Since that experience, I have pretty much just shutdown.
Now that I am going back to school, I've decided I'm just not talking to anyone this year. But at the same time, I'm going to try to get back with some of my old friends from my other school. Though, I'm afraid I won't be able to hold on to any friendships. I'm just so confused and lost right now, and I haven't really gone into full on out detail, since there are a few things that are very important that have also contributed to my depression. I could write a whole lot more if I wanted to.
I guess I'm just asking for help. I am trying my damn hardest to stay strong, but it is very difficult, and tiring. I just feel like not even existing anymore. I just need some help, and I'm trying to reach out, since I'm kind of desperate for some help.