Nathan32
August 30th, 2014, 06:11 PM
Hi guys my name is Nathan. And I have finally decided that I am going to write what is making me so depressed, angry, hurt. My story starts way before this year. So I am going to go right back to when this very first started. If you don't want to read a huge story then please stop reading now. Also as a disclaimer I know other people have had it worse off then me so I know there's probably no reason for me to feel this way and I in no way think I have it worse off then anyone else I just want to share my story about how I became so..distant. Here we go guys. I am also currently 16.
It all started about 4 years ago. My family decided to move to Australia from New Zealand. So in other words I was in New Zealand and we decided to move to Australia. Now I had many friends in New Zealand and it was my last year in intermediat ( It's what you go to before you go to college I suppose schooling is alot different over here) I was about 11 at this time also.
I pretty much loved the idea because I had cousins over there in Australia that my family had always been close to and they were going to help us out. So anyways we sold everything and got rid of the best pet I had ever had her name was Missy. I never really said goodbye to any of my friends here in New Zealand. My main friend that I had here in New Zealands name was Matt. So anyways I got on the plane to go to Australia with my family. We got there and because school was already half way through the term there they said we didn't have to start until the next term. I had alot of fun in the month or 2 I didn't have school but when it came to the day I had to start I was in tears and I don't mean a few tears on the way to school I mean flooding the whole house tears :) but hey I was an 11 year old kid starting school in a whole new country.
I didn't go the first day. I was in a state that was just ridiculous so I didn't end up going. The second day came around and I went. Now both of my cousins went to this school both older then me but one of them was in the same kind of uhm I guess you could say year as me? Because my birthday fell in march I was always paired with the older people rather then younger. So everyone else in the same year as me was a year older then me, well roughly around there. So anyways the cousin that was in my year we will call her Amanda. Amanda had told all of her friends about me coming over and all this other shit so basically everyone already knew me before I had even gone to the damn country. But also Amanda had introduced me to this girl on facebook a year earlier her name was Sarah. And we got together online she was in the same school as me and Amanda now. But the first 3 days were crazy. And I was enjoying myself. There was also this other girl named Linda. After about a week me and this girl Linda got together. But Linda Amanda and Sarah were all really close friends. After a while with Linda I don't really know what happened but one thing lead to another and I was with Sarah. Now me Sarah and Linda had a bit of a love triangle for a long time. I think it went on for like the whole time I was there but I more or less was with Sarah.
Being an 11 year old boy I didn't really understand the concept of love however I was sure I was in it. Also I was pretty popular amongst the ladies in the school there was a bunch of them that also liked me and well that lead to complications. Not on my part I wasn't really interested in any of them the only one I cared about was Sarah. We would hug everyday talk everyday but I for some reason started self harming. It wasn't that I was sad I can legitamitly say it was for attention from Sarah. Me and her were pretty close. We never really kissed held hands or any of that. After all I was only 11 well probably 12 at that point because I did have a birthday over there.
Anyways. Time went by and nothing really changed I was happy and still did a little bit of self harming. It was not hard core just enough to make me bleed so I have no real scars. Well no physical scars anyways. As time went past me and Sarah became more distant and after that we split up entirely. It was a new school year I had next to no classes with Linda or Amanda, I had one with Sarah which was maths we occasionally sat together but not often. I was depressed at this point because I still loved her. Also I sat alone alot here and did nothing. I just wanted her. The last day of school something odd happened. Sarah came and sat by me. We never really spoke and she hadn't sat next to me in a while. She was happy. But she didn't know what was going to happen. Well rather she did know because I wrote "1 day left" in my maths book but tried to scribble it out before she sat next to me but she read it all the same. The look on her face when she saw it said 1 day left almost kills me to this day. Having to tell her I was moving back to New Zealand was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. She was the only one I told.
It was a thursday and my parents wanted me to go the next day but I knew I could pursuade them into letting me stay home that last day. But Sarah begged me to come on tomorrow and I said "Yeah ok" or something around those lines I know I said I would be there. The next day I didn't go. I never said a true goodbye to her. Or to anyone else that I knew in that school. I left soon after that. Back to New Zealand. I wanted to go I really thought things would be fun or fine going back to school over there and seeing everyone I had left behind. But I came down with something. Maybe it was a bad case of nerves. It lasted months and I hurt. I don't mean a small little pain I mean a burning sensation deep in my stomach. All I did was cry. Cry cry cry forever. I went to see a doctor and he said it was nerves. But it didn't feel like nerves. It was painful not the butterflies you get when you're nervous it was a full on pain. Like I was going to be sick and vomit up blood it hurt. The first day I was supposed to go back to New Zealand college I couldn't muster the courage. I just couldn't. My sister went. The next day I went. It started off fairly good and I was happy. I met with matt who had changed so much. Appearance voice everything. He was of course a year further along the track then me and I guess you could say I was a late bloomer xD.
Being a typical boy surrouned by older boys was hard. And everyone had expected to see a change in me. Not just my looks but my voice also and it just didn't happen. I was as usuall the short little kid amongst everyone else. And I hated it. I never wanted to go back there. It killed me. Everyone pointing the flaws in me that I already knew I had. No one was really on my side. Well it didn't seem like it to me. I mean I had friends. Alot of them actually well I guess I only had a few REALLY good friends that I talked to on a daily basis. But I hated PE. I was obviously reallly self concious. I didn't like swimming because I would have to get changed with everyone else. Typical. I did swim maybe twice? But it wasn't just swimming I hated all PE I was so self concious I didn't enjoy any of it. Ever. I maybe could have got around the PE well the actual sports part of it anyways. But it alternated between actual sport and just learning about it. I could have coped with the learning about it aswell. I mean for the actual sports I could have just told the teacher what was going on. But in the learning class I sat next to this girl...I to this day I fucking hate her. She was never out right mean to me. But she just fucking I guess teased me. I had to sit right between like 6 fucking chicks that were absolute bitches. Always treated me like I don't know a kid I guess? But regardless I hated them. I never wanted to go to school again. Once again I was crying every morning. Never going.
But at some point I did this thing. It was basically a class where people went to for whatever reason. I enjoyed it. I guess I was shy at this point. In Australia I turned into an out going crazy fun energetic person. But here that side of me slowly died. There was nothing left of it. The only thing left behind was the carcass of the body I once knew. Here I would basically write all day. I wrote in this notebook everyday. It was a story about I don't know some mutant thing. I dont even know xD but it was long. Not really long only like 40 pages so far I never finished it. The teacher there said it was amazing but one day one morning I was so sad and having a huge fight with everyone I grabbed the book and I teared it all up. Everything I had worked on I had destoryed. My parents, siblings everyone wanted to know what it is I hated about the school why was it I didn't want to go every morning what was going on in my head. I couldn't tell them. I couldn't say "Oh basically it's the fact I havn't gone far enough down the line of puberty yet but everyone else has" I mean how lame is that. And I saw no point. You can't change something nature didn't intend to be changed. Anyways as time moved on of me being happy and having only been to school like 40 times in a whole year. Me and my family moved to somewhere else. And I decided to do home schooling. And basically I never did that either.
But what I did do was swim. Swim swim swim all day 3 hours a day everyday. Was it because I never did it at school that I liked the ocean so much? Or was it just that the ocean called to me. Did I want to be free just like the fish that swam there? I mean to be so close to being free and yet so far away I must be 13-14 at this point. And I was happy. Very happy. But something was missing. Something I couldn't find home schooling something I couldn't find swimming and that something was love and acceptance. Something that only one person had ever really given me and that was Sarah. And I'm not talking about the love you get from your parents. That kind of love was different. It was more of a maternal kind of love that didn't fill the void left there from all my bad desicions. So anyways. One thing lead to another and guess what. I moved back to the place I had originally started at but I wasn't going back to school I was going to do homeschooling. And I did for a while well kind of I guess I got lost in it all and began to not do it. I met this girl online. Her name was Alexa. And we talked a little bit not alot but it was a little bit. I didn't really think anything of it too be honest. But like 3 months after meeting her I posted a picture of me. She didn't think it was really me. And I thought that was pretty funny. Over a long time. I would have to say maybe a year? we got really close.
We fought on and off about little things niether of us ever really kept secrets and well we talked alot at this point I was always talking to her and she was always talking to me I would tell her goodmorning and goodnight every day. We eventually started LDR which was crazy to me. I never really believed in LDR because in my mind it was a flawed concept I mean why would anyone want something they couldn't truly feel. But I went along with it because she made me happy. But after a while the cookie crumbled and we didnt talk for a long time. We are almost at the present time. Now anyways we still talk but it's awkward and we are no longer together. But LDR is not the kind of love I am after If anything I think she feels sorry for me. I can't smile anymore because all it is, is a fake smile. Nothing that happens matters to me anymore. I just wont this pain that has plagued me for years to go I need something to save me. I need someone to save me.
I am 16. I should get a job but I am a shy person now. I never really leave the house. I like to feel pain. It's the only thing that feels true to me now. I am 16, never kissed anyone, have no one probably never will have anyone. And it pains me. I have never told this full story to anyone. But I need to share it I can't do this anymore. Even if I got a job then what? it's not like it changes anything. Money can't buy the happiness I crave. I tell everyone that money is all I want. I tell them I don't care about anything else. But that couldn't be further from the truth. As I am sitting here writing this now I realise it can't be helped. I am a fool for ever thinking my life will get better. There is no better for people like me. I have turned into a detatched ass hole who does nothing and who is nothing.
I guess the fact I lack in the looks department isn't really helping me either. I can't help the fact that I am ugly though. It can't be helped....what comes of a stupid, ugly, shy, idiot like me? Where do I go from here. How on earth could I ever hope to fix this. My wounds cut deep. And I cannot fix them the only way I have made it this far is through detatchment. I have a mask that is slowly cracking. When will my true self pour out and wound everyone else. The fake smiles I used to pull so easily are fading. I am fading. My teen years are flying past me like they never happened to begin with. 4 years of nothing. And the irony of it all is I was worried about how people percieved me. How they thought of my looks, my voice, my body, my personality. I never liked myself so I figure why would anyone else. I am a lost cause.
I have no one. I am no one. I will never be anything but a scratch on an otherwise perfect surface. My very existance is proof that god does not exist. Why make someone like me. Why am I here what is my purpose. Will I ever find it? I don't think I will. PLEASE PLEASE for anyone who is reading this. And might be in the same position as me don't hide yourself away. Because the pain you feel will only cut deeper. You need to live. You need to be happy for everyone around you. And if there comes a day where you feel you can no longer go on. Keep going. Because you're perfect the way you are and no one should change you. Don't go down the lonely road to solitude like I have done for so many years I have been forced to mature into something terrible. Please don't waste your life.
It all started about 4 years ago. My family decided to move to Australia from New Zealand. So in other words I was in New Zealand and we decided to move to Australia. Now I had many friends in New Zealand and it was my last year in intermediat ( It's what you go to before you go to college I suppose schooling is alot different over here) I was about 11 at this time also.
I pretty much loved the idea because I had cousins over there in Australia that my family had always been close to and they were going to help us out. So anyways we sold everything and got rid of the best pet I had ever had her name was Missy. I never really said goodbye to any of my friends here in New Zealand. My main friend that I had here in New Zealands name was Matt. So anyways I got on the plane to go to Australia with my family. We got there and because school was already half way through the term there they said we didn't have to start until the next term. I had alot of fun in the month or 2 I didn't have school but when it came to the day I had to start I was in tears and I don't mean a few tears on the way to school I mean flooding the whole house tears :) but hey I was an 11 year old kid starting school in a whole new country.
I didn't go the first day. I was in a state that was just ridiculous so I didn't end up going. The second day came around and I went. Now both of my cousins went to this school both older then me but one of them was in the same kind of uhm I guess you could say year as me? Because my birthday fell in march I was always paired with the older people rather then younger. So everyone else in the same year as me was a year older then me, well roughly around there. So anyways the cousin that was in my year we will call her Amanda. Amanda had told all of her friends about me coming over and all this other shit so basically everyone already knew me before I had even gone to the damn country. But also Amanda had introduced me to this girl on facebook a year earlier her name was Sarah. And we got together online she was in the same school as me and Amanda now. But the first 3 days were crazy. And I was enjoying myself. There was also this other girl named Linda. After about a week me and this girl Linda got together. But Linda Amanda and Sarah were all really close friends. After a while with Linda I don't really know what happened but one thing lead to another and I was with Sarah. Now me Sarah and Linda had a bit of a love triangle for a long time. I think it went on for like the whole time I was there but I more or less was with Sarah.
Being an 11 year old boy I didn't really understand the concept of love however I was sure I was in it. Also I was pretty popular amongst the ladies in the school there was a bunch of them that also liked me and well that lead to complications. Not on my part I wasn't really interested in any of them the only one I cared about was Sarah. We would hug everyday talk everyday but I for some reason started self harming. It wasn't that I was sad I can legitamitly say it was for attention from Sarah. Me and her were pretty close. We never really kissed held hands or any of that. After all I was only 11 well probably 12 at that point because I did have a birthday over there.
Anyways. Time went by and nothing really changed I was happy and still did a little bit of self harming. It was not hard core just enough to make me bleed so I have no real scars. Well no physical scars anyways. As time went past me and Sarah became more distant and after that we split up entirely. It was a new school year I had next to no classes with Linda or Amanda, I had one with Sarah which was maths we occasionally sat together but not often. I was depressed at this point because I still loved her. Also I sat alone alot here and did nothing. I just wanted her. The last day of school something odd happened. Sarah came and sat by me. We never really spoke and she hadn't sat next to me in a while. She was happy. But she didn't know what was going to happen. Well rather she did know because I wrote "1 day left" in my maths book but tried to scribble it out before she sat next to me but she read it all the same. The look on her face when she saw it said 1 day left almost kills me to this day. Having to tell her I was moving back to New Zealand was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. She was the only one I told.
It was a thursday and my parents wanted me to go the next day but I knew I could pursuade them into letting me stay home that last day. But Sarah begged me to come on tomorrow and I said "Yeah ok" or something around those lines I know I said I would be there. The next day I didn't go. I never said a true goodbye to her. Or to anyone else that I knew in that school. I left soon after that. Back to New Zealand. I wanted to go I really thought things would be fun or fine going back to school over there and seeing everyone I had left behind. But I came down with something. Maybe it was a bad case of nerves. It lasted months and I hurt. I don't mean a small little pain I mean a burning sensation deep in my stomach. All I did was cry. Cry cry cry forever. I went to see a doctor and he said it was nerves. But it didn't feel like nerves. It was painful not the butterflies you get when you're nervous it was a full on pain. Like I was going to be sick and vomit up blood it hurt. The first day I was supposed to go back to New Zealand college I couldn't muster the courage. I just couldn't. My sister went. The next day I went. It started off fairly good and I was happy. I met with matt who had changed so much. Appearance voice everything. He was of course a year further along the track then me and I guess you could say I was a late bloomer xD.
Being a typical boy surrouned by older boys was hard. And everyone had expected to see a change in me. Not just my looks but my voice also and it just didn't happen. I was as usuall the short little kid amongst everyone else. And I hated it. I never wanted to go back there. It killed me. Everyone pointing the flaws in me that I already knew I had. No one was really on my side. Well it didn't seem like it to me. I mean I had friends. Alot of them actually well I guess I only had a few REALLY good friends that I talked to on a daily basis. But I hated PE. I was obviously reallly self concious. I didn't like swimming because I would have to get changed with everyone else. Typical. I did swim maybe twice? But it wasn't just swimming I hated all PE I was so self concious I didn't enjoy any of it. Ever. I maybe could have got around the PE well the actual sports part of it anyways. But it alternated between actual sport and just learning about it. I could have coped with the learning about it aswell. I mean for the actual sports I could have just told the teacher what was going on. But in the learning class I sat next to this girl...I to this day I fucking hate her. She was never out right mean to me. But she just fucking I guess teased me. I had to sit right between like 6 fucking chicks that were absolute bitches. Always treated me like I don't know a kid I guess? But regardless I hated them. I never wanted to go to school again. Once again I was crying every morning. Never going.
But at some point I did this thing. It was basically a class where people went to for whatever reason. I enjoyed it. I guess I was shy at this point. In Australia I turned into an out going crazy fun energetic person. But here that side of me slowly died. There was nothing left of it. The only thing left behind was the carcass of the body I once knew. Here I would basically write all day. I wrote in this notebook everyday. It was a story about I don't know some mutant thing. I dont even know xD but it was long. Not really long only like 40 pages so far I never finished it. The teacher there said it was amazing but one day one morning I was so sad and having a huge fight with everyone I grabbed the book and I teared it all up. Everything I had worked on I had destoryed. My parents, siblings everyone wanted to know what it is I hated about the school why was it I didn't want to go every morning what was going on in my head. I couldn't tell them. I couldn't say "Oh basically it's the fact I havn't gone far enough down the line of puberty yet but everyone else has" I mean how lame is that. And I saw no point. You can't change something nature didn't intend to be changed. Anyways as time moved on of me being happy and having only been to school like 40 times in a whole year. Me and my family moved to somewhere else. And I decided to do home schooling. And basically I never did that either.
But what I did do was swim. Swim swim swim all day 3 hours a day everyday. Was it because I never did it at school that I liked the ocean so much? Or was it just that the ocean called to me. Did I want to be free just like the fish that swam there? I mean to be so close to being free and yet so far away I must be 13-14 at this point. And I was happy. Very happy. But something was missing. Something I couldn't find home schooling something I couldn't find swimming and that something was love and acceptance. Something that only one person had ever really given me and that was Sarah. And I'm not talking about the love you get from your parents. That kind of love was different. It was more of a maternal kind of love that didn't fill the void left there from all my bad desicions. So anyways. One thing lead to another and guess what. I moved back to the place I had originally started at but I wasn't going back to school I was going to do homeschooling. And I did for a while well kind of I guess I got lost in it all and began to not do it. I met this girl online. Her name was Alexa. And we talked a little bit not alot but it was a little bit. I didn't really think anything of it too be honest. But like 3 months after meeting her I posted a picture of me. She didn't think it was really me. And I thought that was pretty funny. Over a long time. I would have to say maybe a year? we got really close.
We fought on and off about little things niether of us ever really kept secrets and well we talked alot at this point I was always talking to her and she was always talking to me I would tell her goodmorning and goodnight every day. We eventually started LDR which was crazy to me. I never really believed in LDR because in my mind it was a flawed concept I mean why would anyone want something they couldn't truly feel. But I went along with it because she made me happy. But after a while the cookie crumbled and we didnt talk for a long time. We are almost at the present time. Now anyways we still talk but it's awkward and we are no longer together. But LDR is not the kind of love I am after If anything I think she feels sorry for me. I can't smile anymore because all it is, is a fake smile. Nothing that happens matters to me anymore. I just wont this pain that has plagued me for years to go I need something to save me. I need someone to save me.
I am 16. I should get a job but I am a shy person now. I never really leave the house. I like to feel pain. It's the only thing that feels true to me now. I am 16, never kissed anyone, have no one probably never will have anyone. And it pains me. I have never told this full story to anyone. But I need to share it I can't do this anymore. Even if I got a job then what? it's not like it changes anything. Money can't buy the happiness I crave. I tell everyone that money is all I want. I tell them I don't care about anything else. But that couldn't be further from the truth. As I am sitting here writing this now I realise it can't be helped. I am a fool for ever thinking my life will get better. There is no better for people like me. I have turned into a detatched ass hole who does nothing and who is nothing.
I guess the fact I lack in the looks department isn't really helping me either. I can't help the fact that I am ugly though. It can't be helped....what comes of a stupid, ugly, shy, idiot like me? Where do I go from here. How on earth could I ever hope to fix this. My wounds cut deep. And I cannot fix them the only way I have made it this far is through detatchment. I have a mask that is slowly cracking. When will my true self pour out and wound everyone else. The fake smiles I used to pull so easily are fading. I am fading. My teen years are flying past me like they never happened to begin with. 4 years of nothing. And the irony of it all is I was worried about how people percieved me. How they thought of my looks, my voice, my body, my personality. I never liked myself so I figure why would anyone else. I am a lost cause.
I have no one. I am no one. I will never be anything but a scratch on an otherwise perfect surface. My very existance is proof that god does not exist. Why make someone like me. Why am I here what is my purpose. Will I ever find it? I don't think I will. PLEASE PLEASE for anyone who is reading this. And might be in the same position as me don't hide yourself away. Because the pain you feel will only cut deeper. You need to live. You need to be happy for everyone around you. And if there comes a day where you feel you can no longer go on. Keep going. Because you're perfect the way you are and no one should change you. Don't go down the lonely road to solitude like I have done for so many years I have been forced to mature into something terrible. Please don't waste your life.