Leprous
August 28th, 2014, 07:56 AM
Alright, so I know this is like the fourth post I made, but I'm gonna try to actually be detailed in this one, about everything that is bothering me.
First things first, primary school, I was so happy and proud I would finally be able to play with the big children when I was 7. The first 2 years of primary school were great, and I still remember them up to this day, but when I was 9, we got a new kid in our class, and at first he seemed rather nice. The new kid turned out to be a huge ass, and he started picking on me, and only on me. He was at our school for 2 years, and back then, it didn't make me depressed, infact, it made me hyper and stressed out at the same time which eventually got me to see a therapist for all the ticks I created back then.
One of my best friends who has been in my class since my first day of school started changing, together with another friend. This happened after the bully left our school. My best friend started punching me, beating me up daily, I tried to make him stop, up to the point of even begging, but he kept on going. My other friend started being a huge asshole because he was hanging out with the popular guy in our school. After 1 year of getting beaten up, I actually managed to get my friend back to me, while the other one kept beating me up.
In my 6th and last year of primary school, it got even worse, the beating kept on going, kept on going, and kept on going, I was so afraid to tell my parents. It didn't stop there, eventually he started making death threats which seemed awfully believable to me (I was still a kid back then, so yeah).
I went to the first year of high school after that. Yes! High school! Finally! Finally the guy will leave me be. The guy was in my class, but so was my other friend, the one who I took away from the popular one. The beating kept on going up to the point he would just punch me during P.E. so I was barely even able to continue, I'll admit I was chubby back then so that also prevented me from doing P.E. properly. My then best friend actually helped me for once, and all of the sudden, he just punched the guy real hard, and he actually was being nice to me for a few days. After those few days however it kept on going.
Nobody in my class liked that guy, literally nobody. When we were nearing the end of the year, I was so sick of it that I decided to get some revenge. The next day the kid's mom shows up at our door, screaming at my mom, raging and raging. I forgot to mention something, that year I also turned into the bully, and the victim. I bullied one kid, allot, he forgave me, but I can't get it out of my head.
Back to the guy beating me up, the moment he went to his mom, his mom went to the teachers, who actually blamed me, ME, the victim! The guy getting beaten up!
After the issue was solved, I thought it was finally going to be alright. Second year of high school, a new start. Most people from the year before that were still in my class, but mainly the fun people, however, people in my class started picking fights, my friends started hating eachother and I was forced to pick sides, which eventually pushed me to the point I snapped and beat up a girl, and pushed her on the stairs, where she almost broke her leg. That girl was the one pushing me.
That year was bad, but after that, I really stopped hoping the third year of high school would be better.
First term of the third year of high school was good, and I actually got a bit happy again. In the second term, we went on a 5 day trip, I never had so much fun in my life during schooltime, and when I got back, I was ready to tell my dad about everything we did, and how much fun it was. That's when he started crying, my grandfather got in coma from lung cancer, they were not able to save him. He died 3 days later, which completely changed me. I started self harming, and the year just went on, that's when the online things started getting fucked up.
First of all, I have ALLOT of online friends, and quite a few of them are suicidal, I was always stressed out because I always tried to help them, which I succeeded in. I met a girl on VT who seemed pretty nice to me, and eventually we actualy got in a long distance relationship. She abused me, she mentally abused me, she keps on picking fights with me over and over again untill I broke up with her, less than a month ago. I managed to prevent her from killing herself and promised her we would remain friends. About a week ago I told her I was playing League of Legends with a (female) friend of mine, she instantly asked if I had a crush on her, and I said I kinda did. That's when she (probably) killed herself, I'm saying probably because she guilt tripped me with suicidal things before, so I'm not sure if she's dead or not.
I always feel like it's all my fault. She's dead thanks to me, I lost allot of friends thanks to my own fuck ups. I'm a split personality, depressed, self harming monster. Yes I help people on here, but I can't even get my own life together. It's all getting so much. I really need someone that can pull me trough this. I already have a therapist but I'm afraid to actually tell her about everything that happened. Nobody would ever want a relationship with someone like me, because I always fuck up. I've done horribly things to people, and I still did last year, when people insult me just a little, I instantly come back with horribly things, which actually leaves them speechless.
I really need someone who can make me happy again, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I've been suicidal before, and I still am sometimes. I'm a mess.
First things first, primary school, I was so happy and proud I would finally be able to play with the big children when I was 7. The first 2 years of primary school were great, and I still remember them up to this day, but when I was 9, we got a new kid in our class, and at first he seemed rather nice. The new kid turned out to be a huge ass, and he started picking on me, and only on me. He was at our school for 2 years, and back then, it didn't make me depressed, infact, it made me hyper and stressed out at the same time which eventually got me to see a therapist for all the ticks I created back then.
One of my best friends who has been in my class since my first day of school started changing, together with another friend. This happened after the bully left our school. My best friend started punching me, beating me up daily, I tried to make him stop, up to the point of even begging, but he kept on going. My other friend started being a huge asshole because he was hanging out with the popular guy in our school. After 1 year of getting beaten up, I actually managed to get my friend back to me, while the other one kept beating me up.
In my 6th and last year of primary school, it got even worse, the beating kept on going, kept on going, and kept on going, I was so afraid to tell my parents. It didn't stop there, eventually he started making death threats which seemed awfully believable to me (I was still a kid back then, so yeah).
I went to the first year of high school after that. Yes! High school! Finally! Finally the guy will leave me be. The guy was in my class, but so was my other friend, the one who I took away from the popular one. The beating kept on going up to the point he would just punch me during P.E. so I was barely even able to continue, I'll admit I was chubby back then so that also prevented me from doing P.E. properly. My then best friend actually helped me for once, and all of the sudden, he just punched the guy real hard, and he actually was being nice to me for a few days. After those few days however it kept on going.
Nobody in my class liked that guy, literally nobody. When we were nearing the end of the year, I was so sick of it that I decided to get some revenge. The next day the kid's mom shows up at our door, screaming at my mom, raging and raging. I forgot to mention something, that year I also turned into the bully, and the victim. I bullied one kid, allot, he forgave me, but I can't get it out of my head.
Back to the guy beating me up, the moment he went to his mom, his mom went to the teachers, who actually blamed me, ME, the victim! The guy getting beaten up!
After the issue was solved, I thought it was finally going to be alright. Second year of high school, a new start. Most people from the year before that were still in my class, but mainly the fun people, however, people in my class started picking fights, my friends started hating eachother and I was forced to pick sides, which eventually pushed me to the point I snapped and beat up a girl, and pushed her on the stairs, where she almost broke her leg. That girl was the one pushing me.
That year was bad, but after that, I really stopped hoping the third year of high school would be better.
First term of the third year of high school was good, and I actually got a bit happy again. In the second term, we went on a 5 day trip, I never had so much fun in my life during schooltime, and when I got back, I was ready to tell my dad about everything we did, and how much fun it was. That's when he started crying, my grandfather got in coma from lung cancer, they were not able to save him. He died 3 days later, which completely changed me. I started self harming, and the year just went on, that's when the online things started getting fucked up.
First of all, I have ALLOT of online friends, and quite a few of them are suicidal, I was always stressed out because I always tried to help them, which I succeeded in. I met a girl on VT who seemed pretty nice to me, and eventually we actualy got in a long distance relationship. She abused me, she mentally abused me, she keps on picking fights with me over and over again untill I broke up with her, less than a month ago. I managed to prevent her from killing herself and promised her we would remain friends. About a week ago I told her I was playing League of Legends with a (female) friend of mine, she instantly asked if I had a crush on her, and I said I kinda did. That's when she (probably) killed herself, I'm saying probably because she guilt tripped me with suicidal things before, so I'm not sure if she's dead or not.
I always feel like it's all my fault. She's dead thanks to me, I lost allot of friends thanks to my own fuck ups. I'm a split personality, depressed, self harming monster. Yes I help people on here, but I can't even get my own life together. It's all getting so much. I really need someone that can pull me trough this. I already have a therapist but I'm afraid to actually tell her about everything that happened. Nobody would ever want a relationship with someone like me, because I always fuck up. I've done horribly things to people, and I still did last year, when people insult me just a little, I instantly come back with horribly things, which actually leaves them speechless.
I really need someone who can make me happy again, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I've been suicidal before, and I still am sometimes. I'm a mess.