Cognizant
August 24th, 2014, 02:24 AM
This is partially a vent post, partially a "help needed" post (tl;dr section below). Holy shit has my love life been a big fat conundrum recently. There's all that drama with Erin, there's a guy in my science class that I'm trying to get a reading of, I think I might have the hots for some kid across the country, and now to top things off, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my ex. This thread is going to focus on the latter of those people.
For understanding purposes, let me give you a rundown of what my relationship was like with Giovanni. We met back in April 2013 and I broke things off in November of that year. He was my very first real romantic partner ever, so it was a huge deal for me. When we first started off, he had mad chemistry for me and it was quite clear he was into me - I think the first night we met he did more flirting than he ever did during the rest of the relationship. :P I found out that he lived in the city, which is about 40 miles from my house. I couldn't drive at the time, and commuting from my front door to his is right around 2 hours on public transit - so without a doubt, a majority of our relationship was online. I mention this now because it's a key factor later on. Anyways, after meeting initially, our relationship escalated pretty quickly. I think one week into meeting him I confessed my attraction to him, but I found out that he was already in a relationship. However, him and his boyfriend broke off shortly after I said that (this is also significant later), and we started dating. It was really great, honestly. It was one of the most fun summers I have had to date - I didn't visit him every day, but we would hang out (either up there or he'd come down here) at least once a week. He was my first kiss, and after dating a while I was pretty sure that I was starting to fall in love with him.
But then the quirks started to arise, and our relationship took a turn south.
Over the next few months, he would become a lot more pissy, and was prone to start arguments for invalid causes. He would get upset at me for things that weren't exactly in my control (I think one time he got upset at me for the train taking too long), or if we had different ideals on how relationships should work (e.g. I said I wouldn't mind ever having a threesome if he was open to the idea, and he literally threw a fit instead of rationally discussing it). In addition, he tried to control who I should be friends with and who I should hate. I normally wouldn't fuel it though, since again a majority of our relationship was online; whenever he would blow up, I'd just tell him to calm down and start ignoring his texts until he calmed down. Though I would try to be calm, there were times where his words would get to me and I would get very upset. Then he would act like "omg im sorry please forgive me" and I always would. The next trust breach he had with me was, essentially, trying to cheat on me. There was this other furry dude (who also happened to be my friend) he had the hots for, and he messaged him and was like "forget about Patrick I want you". Thank fuck for me the other guy stood on my side and tried to set Giovanni straight, but Giovanni somehow insisted it was my fault and never really told me why. But for some reason, I forgave him, albeit not 100%. School was starting up again for me soon and by that point our relationship was fair. In a last effort to try to rekindle our relationship, I asked him to my school's homecoming dance. I gave him the paperwork, but he never texted me back about it. At that point, I gave up on trying to improve our relationship and figured it'd just be best to break up. So I did.
But it wasn't a "fuck you get out of my life" breakup, it was more like "so this just isn't working out anymore, and I think we should go our separate ways. But we can still be friends if you want." And with almost all "let's just be friends" breakups, we didn't really stay friends. I didn't block him or whatever and he still had my number, but I wasn't going to bother texting him or anything. In fact, the last and only time we talked after that was because I remembered one day that he was planning on having a package sent to my address that I didn't want shipped anymore. I asked him to change the shipping address, and he did - but not without one of his infamous arguments. This time it was for not talking to him. We argued for a while until I got so frustrated that I essentially told him to fuck off and to never talk to me again. After that, I removed his number from my phone, blocked him on Facebook and Skype, deleted all photos of him and I together from my Lightroom catalog, and tried to forget that he even existed. Ignoring him worked well for me for about a year. However, it's been hard for me recently to keep him out of my head because I get nostalgic every time I go to San Francisco. I would go to Golden Gate Park and think back on the days where he would sneak out just to cuddle with me on the benches. Or I would go to the Academy of Sciences (where we had our first date) and I would remember how excited I was for our first date. Hell, I would ride the Muni bus after we broke up and I would remember our funny bus rides together.
tl;dr - I've avoided talking or thinking about my somewhat emotionally-abusive ex boyfriend for a year now, but now he keeps popping back into my mind from time to time, and in a positive connotation. I've certainly had more good memories with him than I have had bad, but I don't really know what to do - is it worth going back to him and at least say hello? I wouldn't know if I would date him again but idk, I'd at least like to see if it would ever be a possibility to do so again. I don't think "just forget about him" is really an option because I really can't seem to shake it off..... but who knows. Maybe in time I'll fall for one of the other people above and it'll force me to forget about Giovanni.
For understanding purposes, let me give you a rundown of what my relationship was like with Giovanni. We met back in April 2013 and I broke things off in November of that year. He was my very first real romantic partner ever, so it was a huge deal for me. When we first started off, he had mad chemistry for me and it was quite clear he was into me - I think the first night we met he did more flirting than he ever did during the rest of the relationship. :P I found out that he lived in the city, which is about 40 miles from my house. I couldn't drive at the time, and commuting from my front door to his is right around 2 hours on public transit - so without a doubt, a majority of our relationship was online. I mention this now because it's a key factor later on. Anyways, after meeting initially, our relationship escalated pretty quickly. I think one week into meeting him I confessed my attraction to him, but I found out that he was already in a relationship. However, him and his boyfriend broke off shortly after I said that (this is also significant later), and we started dating. It was really great, honestly. It was one of the most fun summers I have had to date - I didn't visit him every day, but we would hang out (either up there or he'd come down here) at least once a week. He was my first kiss, and after dating a while I was pretty sure that I was starting to fall in love with him.
But then the quirks started to arise, and our relationship took a turn south.
Over the next few months, he would become a lot more pissy, and was prone to start arguments for invalid causes. He would get upset at me for things that weren't exactly in my control (I think one time he got upset at me for the train taking too long), or if we had different ideals on how relationships should work (e.g. I said I wouldn't mind ever having a threesome if he was open to the idea, and he literally threw a fit instead of rationally discussing it). In addition, he tried to control who I should be friends with and who I should hate. I normally wouldn't fuel it though, since again a majority of our relationship was online; whenever he would blow up, I'd just tell him to calm down and start ignoring his texts until he calmed down. Though I would try to be calm, there were times where his words would get to me and I would get very upset. Then he would act like "omg im sorry please forgive me" and I always would. The next trust breach he had with me was, essentially, trying to cheat on me. There was this other furry dude (who also happened to be my friend) he had the hots for, and he messaged him and was like "forget about Patrick I want you". Thank fuck for me the other guy stood on my side and tried to set Giovanni straight, but Giovanni somehow insisted it was my fault and never really told me why. But for some reason, I forgave him, albeit not 100%. School was starting up again for me soon and by that point our relationship was fair. In a last effort to try to rekindle our relationship, I asked him to my school's homecoming dance. I gave him the paperwork, but he never texted me back about it. At that point, I gave up on trying to improve our relationship and figured it'd just be best to break up. So I did.
But it wasn't a "fuck you get out of my life" breakup, it was more like "so this just isn't working out anymore, and I think we should go our separate ways. But we can still be friends if you want." And with almost all "let's just be friends" breakups, we didn't really stay friends. I didn't block him or whatever and he still had my number, but I wasn't going to bother texting him or anything. In fact, the last and only time we talked after that was because I remembered one day that he was planning on having a package sent to my address that I didn't want shipped anymore. I asked him to change the shipping address, and he did - but not without one of his infamous arguments. This time it was for not talking to him. We argued for a while until I got so frustrated that I essentially told him to fuck off and to never talk to me again. After that, I removed his number from my phone, blocked him on Facebook and Skype, deleted all photos of him and I together from my Lightroom catalog, and tried to forget that he even existed. Ignoring him worked well for me for about a year. However, it's been hard for me recently to keep him out of my head because I get nostalgic every time I go to San Francisco. I would go to Golden Gate Park and think back on the days where he would sneak out just to cuddle with me on the benches. Or I would go to the Academy of Sciences (where we had our first date) and I would remember how excited I was for our first date. Hell, I would ride the Muni bus after we broke up and I would remember our funny bus rides together.
tl;dr - I've avoided talking or thinking about my somewhat emotionally-abusive ex boyfriend for a year now, but now he keeps popping back into my mind from time to time, and in a positive connotation. I've certainly had more good memories with him than I have had bad, but I don't really know what to do - is it worth going back to him and at least say hello? I wouldn't know if I would date him again but idk, I'd at least like to see if it would ever be a possibility to do so again. I don't think "just forget about him" is really an option because I really can't seem to shake it off..... but who knows. Maybe in time I'll fall for one of the other people above and it'll force me to forget about Giovanni.