smaltese55
August 20th, 2014, 06:36 PM
Hello, I'm a 14 year old male and I'm going to be a freshmen in high school. However, I'm completely not looking forward to it.
Let's back this up a little.
I've always been kind of shy as a kid, and I never had many friends in 1st-7th grade and it led me to be really suicidal in 7th grade and I almost attempted once. I don't know why, maybe I did it so people would notice how much I was struggling? Who knows.
I got therapy and my therapist diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder and a bunch of other mental health issues, and I was told to make more friends.
Eighth grade began and on Day 1 I suddenly made a huge group of friends, like 10 I believe, and it felt great having people who actually liked me. I even made more friends outside the group, but I was mostly close with this tight knit of people. The first couple months of school went fine, in my opinion, we were all friends, it was good.
But they started to get mad at me. I still have trouble figuring out what I did wrong and they weren't really clear on it but they didn't like that I was too hyper and outgoing. Occasionally, when we'd all hang out, I'd get really "myself" and start getting honest and hyper. I'd say the wrong stuff to them, which I'd apologize about and I'd always get out of control. It seemed like all they did was yell at me and judge me and criticize everything I do. It felt terrible. So, I started getting mad at them.
We'd always fight and I'd always tell them that they were being bad friends because they weren't letting me be myself.
So, one day in February I said the wrong thing to one of my friends and they all flipped out. I lost all of them, and they went off on me, telling me how terrible I was and that I'm the worst friend ever and they were better off without me. I even had to go to school and watch all of them looking at me, and whispering and it was the worst feeling of my life. I was so heartbroken and depressed that I started harming myself, I attempted suicide again, and had to be hospitalized; it was the worst month of my life. I felt outcast, pointless, and I didn't see what was good about life.
I struggled through the rest of the year, I had a few friends who were sort of unaccepting and irritating at times, but what could I do? I had nothing.
So summer came, and I joined a camp and made a new group of friends. And surprise, on the last day they all dropped me, and told me how irritating it was. This was becoming a spiral of hatred. Now, I sit dreading high school. Because how the hell am I going to make any friends if all I do is lose them? I don't want to get close to anyone. I've started considering suicide because there's nothing left to hope for. My parents think I'm all better, and recovering but I'm not. I'm dying on the inside. I constantly contemplate, "How is anyone gonna like someone as annoying, awkward, and weird as you?" I just am tired. I'm tired of thinking and I'm tired of living. I feel alone, like nobody understands. I'm so pathetic and lonely that I have now resorted to the internet for help. So if anyone out there has any advice or just comforting words, I'd appreciate it because I'm really slipping here.
Let's back this up a little.
I've always been kind of shy as a kid, and I never had many friends in 1st-7th grade and it led me to be really suicidal in 7th grade and I almost attempted once. I don't know why, maybe I did it so people would notice how much I was struggling? Who knows.
I got therapy and my therapist diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder and a bunch of other mental health issues, and I was told to make more friends.
Eighth grade began and on Day 1 I suddenly made a huge group of friends, like 10 I believe, and it felt great having people who actually liked me. I even made more friends outside the group, but I was mostly close with this tight knit of people. The first couple months of school went fine, in my opinion, we were all friends, it was good.
But they started to get mad at me. I still have trouble figuring out what I did wrong and they weren't really clear on it but they didn't like that I was too hyper and outgoing. Occasionally, when we'd all hang out, I'd get really "myself" and start getting honest and hyper. I'd say the wrong stuff to them, which I'd apologize about and I'd always get out of control. It seemed like all they did was yell at me and judge me and criticize everything I do. It felt terrible. So, I started getting mad at them.
We'd always fight and I'd always tell them that they were being bad friends because they weren't letting me be myself.
So, one day in February I said the wrong thing to one of my friends and they all flipped out. I lost all of them, and they went off on me, telling me how terrible I was and that I'm the worst friend ever and they were better off without me. I even had to go to school and watch all of them looking at me, and whispering and it was the worst feeling of my life. I was so heartbroken and depressed that I started harming myself, I attempted suicide again, and had to be hospitalized; it was the worst month of my life. I felt outcast, pointless, and I didn't see what was good about life.
I struggled through the rest of the year, I had a few friends who were sort of unaccepting and irritating at times, but what could I do? I had nothing.
So summer came, and I joined a camp and made a new group of friends. And surprise, on the last day they all dropped me, and told me how irritating it was. This was becoming a spiral of hatred. Now, I sit dreading high school. Because how the hell am I going to make any friends if all I do is lose them? I don't want to get close to anyone. I've started considering suicide because there's nothing left to hope for. My parents think I'm all better, and recovering but I'm not. I'm dying on the inside. I constantly contemplate, "How is anyone gonna like someone as annoying, awkward, and weird as you?" I just am tired. I'm tired of thinking and I'm tired of living. I feel alone, like nobody understands. I'm so pathetic and lonely that I have now resorted to the internet for help. So if anyone out there has any advice or just comforting words, I'd appreciate it because I'm really slipping here.