LorcanDeCress
August 15th, 2014, 04:40 PM
I posted on this website for advice a few months ago and things have taken a turn for the worse. First things first, I have a SEVERE addiction to pornography and this comes into play later on. I'm an 18 year old male who is also a virgin and up until a year ago almost, I had never had any sort of sexual interest in males, it was always the females who I had dated.
This whole thing started around October of last year when I had a rough break up with one of my ex-gfs, I began to question my sexuality and shortly afterwards, I was talking to a male friend of mine and he sent me a photo of his six pack, I immediately thought ''Wow, he looks really good'' and the flood gates sort of opened after that since I began to wonder whether or not the thought was sexual in nature and whether that meant I was gay. A few months later, I was completely paranoid so I asked my older sister for advice, she told me that I should watch gay pornography to see if I was into it and that would mean for sure that I was gay.
Since I had been an avid watcher of pornography for the better half of 5 years at that point and straight porn no longer did it for me, when I was WAY turned on by the gay porn, I thought it meant for sure that I was gay/bisexual. So for the next few months, I began to identify as bisexual, albeit unwillingly and even created a dating profile and began to date a few guys in online relationships. While I was emotionally satisfied, something just didn't feel right to me and I just didn't feel comfortable at all so I eventually broke it off with both of the guys I had dated because I realized I had a desire to be with girls.
This was back in May of this year and shortly thereafter, I began to read up on HOCD and the effects of porn addiction on the brain since I was constantly watching any type of porn to deal with the stress of the online college I had enrolled in. It made sense to me so I began trying to quit the porn and ever since I've been struggling to quit. Now I notice that at times, I kind of flip flop back and forth between the porn I watch and sometimes I go on a full on porn binge which leaves me feeling completely numb and without a desire for anyone. By flip flopping, I mean like sometimes I just get an urge to watch a certain type of stuff and afterwards, I feel satisfied and calm if not for a few minutes, it never lasts that long at all. After I began trying to quit, the thoughts subsided and I thought they were gone for good.
Now, I have a girlfriend whom I'm totally in love with, hell this past Saturday, we had our first date and we got really intense although we didn't have sex. It was the hottest thing I've ever done and I really enjoyed it . . . . . . . . but the thing is, I didn't feel any kind of emotion during it, like my mind was completely blank and I didn't have to think to do any of the things we did, like I just did it and there was nothing to it, like something had just come over me and it all felt so natural. Afterwards though, the stress of a new week at college got to me and I made the mistake of completely binging on pornography, anything I could get my hands for the past week and now the thoughts, anxiety and worry that had once plagued me have once again come back to me.
These thoughts are like a little voice in my head telling me all the time that I'm gay or bisexual. To give you an example, If I say I have a girlfriend, this voice will literally say I have a boyfriend and I have to eventually tell my girlfriend that I'm gay and she'll leave me for good. If I try to bring up the fact that during our date, I was completely turned on, it'll say thats a typical response to stimulation of any kind and that I'm gay regardless. I ask myself am I gay or bisexual, it'll say I'm gay and in denial. This voice and these thoughts only seem to go away whenever I present a logical argument to it or I reassure myself I'm not LGBT. Deep down though, this really worries me though because I don't know whether these thoughts are real or whether they are just a figment of my own imagination, it really frightens me and I don't know what to believe anymore since I don't really feel attracted to anyone as of right now because of the porn binge. Am I a gay or bisexual guy in denial of his sexuality or am I stressing out over HOCD ?
This whole thing started around October of last year when I had a rough break up with one of my ex-gfs, I began to question my sexuality and shortly afterwards, I was talking to a male friend of mine and he sent me a photo of his six pack, I immediately thought ''Wow, he looks really good'' and the flood gates sort of opened after that since I began to wonder whether or not the thought was sexual in nature and whether that meant I was gay. A few months later, I was completely paranoid so I asked my older sister for advice, she told me that I should watch gay pornography to see if I was into it and that would mean for sure that I was gay.
Since I had been an avid watcher of pornography for the better half of 5 years at that point and straight porn no longer did it for me, when I was WAY turned on by the gay porn, I thought it meant for sure that I was gay/bisexual. So for the next few months, I began to identify as bisexual, albeit unwillingly and even created a dating profile and began to date a few guys in online relationships. While I was emotionally satisfied, something just didn't feel right to me and I just didn't feel comfortable at all so I eventually broke it off with both of the guys I had dated because I realized I had a desire to be with girls.
This was back in May of this year and shortly thereafter, I began to read up on HOCD and the effects of porn addiction on the brain since I was constantly watching any type of porn to deal with the stress of the online college I had enrolled in. It made sense to me so I began trying to quit the porn and ever since I've been struggling to quit. Now I notice that at times, I kind of flip flop back and forth between the porn I watch and sometimes I go on a full on porn binge which leaves me feeling completely numb and without a desire for anyone. By flip flopping, I mean like sometimes I just get an urge to watch a certain type of stuff and afterwards, I feel satisfied and calm if not for a few minutes, it never lasts that long at all. After I began trying to quit, the thoughts subsided and I thought they were gone for good.
Now, I have a girlfriend whom I'm totally in love with, hell this past Saturday, we had our first date and we got really intense although we didn't have sex. It was the hottest thing I've ever done and I really enjoyed it . . . . . . . . but the thing is, I didn't feel any kind of emotion during it, like my mind was completely blank and I didn't have to think to do any of the things we did, like I just did it and there was nothing to it, like something had just come over me and it all felt so natural. Afterwards though, the stress of a new week at college got to me and I made the mistake of completely binging on pornography, anything I could get my hands for the past week and now the thoughts, anxiety and worry that had once plagued me have once again come back to me.
These thoughts are like a little voice in my head telling me all the time that I'm gay or bisexual. To give you an example, If I say I have a girlfriend, this voice will literally say I have a boyfriend and I have to eventually tell my girlfriend that I'm gay and she'll leave me for good. If I try to bring up the fact that during our date, I was completely turned on, it'll say thats a typical response to stimulation of any kind and that I'm gay regardless. I ask myself am I gay or bisexual, it'll say I'm gay and in denial. This voice and these thoughts only seem to go away whenever I present a logical argument to it or I reassure myself I'm not LGBT. Deep down though, this really worries me though because I don't know whether these thoughts are real or whether they are just a figment of my own imagination, it really frightens me and I don't know what to believe anymore since I don't really feel attracted to anyone as of right now because of the porn binge. Am I a gay or bisexual guy in denial of his sexuality or am I stressing out over HOCD ?