Hits me hard

[Bath]

god. I don't think I brought this up on here yet. my dad died 4 months ago. I was just living w him in NH as some of you I'm close to know. I have never been closer to anyone in my entire life than my dad. it was sudden and unexpected. he was in the hospital for stomach/back issues like he was all the time while I was growing up....and his heart just stopped in the middle of the night. I can't believe it still. he was the only person that could connect with me about manic depressive disorder and substance abuse and medications and he was the only person I could be openly honest with about that stuff. I don't think about it that much because I can't handle it. when I do, I break down. I'm finding myself back into a terrible depression, due to work, growing older, doing nothing and just fucking around with people I shouldn't be, but I do anyway because it's better than being by myself. I lost connection with his side of the family because I can't talk to them. the only person in the world that actually understood what I go through, not just tolerated or tried to help or tried to understand, he went through and was still going through all the same shit I was/am. I still can't believe I'm never going to see him again. nobody is going to get me like that. what the fuck

I called out of work today because I had a panic attack. I said I was sick. I'm so alone and stuck. I'm home alone for all of today and tonight. I'm pushing off suicidal thoughts because they are intrusive and keep terrifying me. I have this death wish, death paranoia, death anxiety, I feel like I'm not supposed to live long after my dad. but I know that's not entirely true. his heart just stopped in the middle of the night. I keep praying mine will because then it won't be my fault. I have very little hope for myself. I've been trying so hard though.

everything is so hard

[Gumleaf]

I'm really sorry this has happened. I can't imagine trying to understand what it must be like for you right now. I really hope that you can find people around you who can be there for you right now. I'm not going to pretend that I get it and stuff, because I don't. But I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and care.

[ImCoolBeans]

Bethany. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I haven't lost a parent, so I can't say I know just how you feel, but I am deeply and truly sorry for your loss. You are one of the best people I've met on VT. You're caring, smart, funny, and bring so much life with you everywhere you go. I unfortunately did not get to meet you in person when we kind of had the chance, but I think I know you well enough to say that you are not hopeless. Life often throws low blows at us, but you have the strength to overcome them. You have overcome a lot, and I know what a strong person you are.

Nobody is perfect, but that doesn't mean that you're a fuckup either. You're far from it. You're in-between phases of life. You're out of school, but not quite into adulthood yet. Transition periods can be extremely difficult, because you may not be sure of where you're going, or where you want to be going, but you don't have to have that all figured out just yet. You need to focus on you, and what you need in your life, because if you aren't doing that then you aren't helping yourself. I may not be able to relate to the loss of a parent, but I can relate to how debilitating depression can be, and how unmotivated you may feel.

Have you seen a professional lately? I know that is something that a lot of people dread, but it can do a lot of good for you if you allow it to. It's all about how open to it you are, and how honest you are. If you're having suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, and are too unmotivated to go to work, please seek help, Bethany. You're too beautiful, wonderful, and have too much to offer to give up. Please talk to me, Beth. I love and miss you and we should properly catch up. Please be well x

[Abbeys]

Hi Bethany.

I came on here to talk about my issues,problems,suicidal thoughts etc etc and maybe try and get some understanding and help with dealing with things.

Then I read your post and I just want to reach out to you and offer support and love and hugs,I know I am just a stranger but I do care about you and I want you to be alright.

Losing your dad was so devastating and raw it has torn you apart.

It's only been four months since your tragic loss and I desperately hope you can find people that can and will help you.

Love,

Abbey

XXXX

[Broken Toy]

im not going to act like i know what you're going through, because i don't at all but i think that its just a time thing unfortunately. i think its just going to be a thing where you have to hold on until a time you can accept what has happened and close the case. just keep struggling on with the support of everyone, both on this website and in your everyday life. until you can move on i think you should see if you can go to counseling to help you with moving on and the suicidal thoughts. stay strong. its times like this i wish i just lived like next door and not a few thousand miles away because i really want to be there for you and stuff and i just cant be.

stay strong x

[plebble]

Well that certainly is dreadful, he seemed like a great person. It's such a shame :(
If you wanna talk about anything, I'm here. I'm feeling a little depressed about stuff. My thoughts to you and your father