Gumleaf
August 5th, 2014, 06:45 AM
The last couple of months have been quite troubling for me. I've been feeling quite empty, alone and lonely. I'm in a very bad spot and it's hit me again today. What it is that gets me is I feel like I mean nothing to anyone. To some people that's ok, but for me it doesn't work. Part of my problem is that I give a lot to the people I care about or who have shown some interest in my life. The thing with that is all those people have their own people that they care about. I'm basically irrelevant. I mean, if I quietly disappeared, at best almost everyone wouldn't notice, if not everyone. It's so depressing and so crappy.
I don't live with my family. They are in Newcastle and I'm in Sydney, about 2 hours away. Lots of stuff has been going down with my family lately, some good and some bad. But I'm completely out of the loop. I've come to visit today to find out about a heap of important things that have happened since I was last here. I walked in the door this morn and saw everyone for a few mins before they all left to do things and I was left alone. My family love me, it's a fact. But I was a mistake at conception, and feel like I have been ever since. My sister is married with a little boy and more babies coming. I'm just that annoyance that comes to visit every few weeks. I hate it. it's not anyone's fault really, it's just circumstance, but it sucks.
My housemate is much older then me, and even though we have the odd joke and chat, I may as well live alone. There is no happiness socially in my house. although I love my house because of the features etc, I'm unhappy as a person because I have no life there. Infact i'm pretty sure other then me paying the rent, my housemate wouldn't care whether I lived there or not.
I've been online lots for years now and have made some wonderful friends over the years. I've been close to many of them. But again, in the end I'm not important to any of them really. They move on and find other people and then I'm forgotten about. I know online is different to rl and people come and go differently then in the real world, but it still shatters me.
I do have a small number of friends. They are lovely people, but again, I could disappear and they would barely notice. They all have important people around them and they could and do fine without any interaction then me. I just wish I had someone who I was important to. it just feels like people will take from me when they need it, but I have nobody to give anything to me. I must sound like some sort of attention seeking idiot. I tried helping myself last week and asked a girl out. That went as well as my chances of becoming prime minister, and although I'm over the rejection, it's still shattered my confidence. I know i'm ugly, shy, caring and too nice, but does that mean I'm not good enough to be important to at least one person? It feels like I have no future or purpose and that I'm all alone in the desert and can't find my way out because nobody is looking for me. I just hate this, I really do! :(
I don't live with my family. They are in Newcastle and I'm in Sydney, about 2 hours away. Lots of stuff has been going down with my family lately, some good and some bad. But I'm completely out of the loop. I've come to visit today to find out about a heap of important things that have happened since I was last here. I walked in the door this morn and saw everyone for a few mins before they all left to do things and I was left alone. My family love me, it's a fact. But I was a mistake at conception, and feel like I have been ever since. My sister is married with a little boy and more babies coming. I'm just that annoyance that comes to visit every few weeks. I hate it. it's not anyone's fault really, it's just circumstance, but it sucks.
My housemate is much older then me, and even though we have the odd joke and chat, I may as well live alone. There is no happiness socially in my house. although I love my house because of the features etc, I'm unhappy as a person because I have no life there. Infact i'm pretty sure other then me paying the rent, my housemate wouldn't care whether I lived there or not.
I've been online lots for years now and have made some wonderful friends over the years. I've been close to many of them. But again, in the end I'm not important to any of them really. They move on and find other people and then I'm forgotten about. I know online is different to rl and people come and go differently then in the real world, but it still shatters me.
I do have a small number of friends. They are lovely people, but again, I could disappear and they would barely notice. They all have important people around them and they could and do fine without any interaction then me. I just wish I had someone who I was important to. it just feels like people will take from me when they need it, but I have nobody to give anything to me. I must sound like some sort of attention seeking idiot. I tried helping myself last week and asked a girl out. That went as well as my chances of becoming prime minister, and although I'm over the rejection, it's still shattered my confidence. I know i'm ugly, shy, caring and too nice, but does that mean I'm not good enough to be important to at least one person? It feels like I have no future or purpose and that I'm all alone in the desert and can't find my way out because nobody is looking for me. I just hate this, I really do! :(