Lovelife090994
August 1st, 2014, 09:21 AM
Have you ever felt so alone and worthless that you cried? I just did and have been crying a lot lately. I can't seem to sleep but I finally have some sleep medication. I still feel so depressed and ashamed over everything about me. I'm terrified about college and I just know something will go wrong. I don't want anyone to know how I am, my opinioons, my ways, my depression, it would be too much and no one woulld like that. I've been really moody and ADD lately. The ADDness is nothing new but I was never diagnosed. I feel so worthless and like no one would ever want me.
I don't even think I have a family anymore. No one in my family is my age or near it, and we are all so far from each other. I'm the black sheep of the family especially in my immediate family. My mother and I used to be close and now we aren't but I don't want to lose her forever. We have opposing views on nearly everything and we can never seem to compromise. She doesn't approve or understand how I am being depressed, possibly bipolar, bisexual, or gender-unsure. I myself have very unpopular opinions and ways that would distance me from every group, even groups similar to my likes. I never can fit in and I'm always sad and shy. Meeting new people can make me want to run away, and new situations make me want to sleep and never wake up. I'm writing this in tears because I feel so lonely and wish I had a friend to talk to and lean on (literally), someone to hold me, love me, but that is impossible. Even when I get in college late August I'll be too busy and no one would want me. I'm small, not really athletic, sensitive, shy, fragile, and hypocritical sometimes. Plus I have two personalities sometimes. I hate myself. I really do.
I only feel worse each day and I hope I can hide my emotions in college. I don't want anyone to know too much about me, I don't want to fall in love, I'm too young at 19 and don't know what love is so I'll be hurt. I don't want to have opinions because then I'll never get along with anyone. I won't tell anyone what I believe in or what my thoughts are on everything else and LGBT stuff because I know I'll be hated and ostracised for it. I feel so empty, alone, worthless, and ashamed. When I'm not crying I'm in a daze, when I'm not day dreaming nothingness I'm afraid. I hate life and stuff. Maybe I'm lazy or too scared. I don't think I can do this much longer. My future is nill and I will probably fail out of college. I wasn't the best student. I just don't know anymore. Nothing gets better. I don't feel like a good person, I feel terrible. I wish I could end it, all I feel is pain. No one would ever want me. I should be focused on school and sleep but I can't. Even my exercising gets off schedule from this. Loneliness and depresssion are like my life now. I don't what it's like to have two loving parents, I have one but we're drifting. I don't know how it is to feel good about yourself. I don't know how it feels to have someone. I don't know how to take optimism or encouragement because it only makes me feel worse. I'm tired of the "it'll get better" it doesn't. Life only gets harder and more lonesome. One day I'll die, and then I might actually feel free. I feel so crazy and inadequate. I feel so alone. I need someone to hold me. I'm sorry, I can't stop crying. It only gets worse. I can't hid it forever. And I'm too scared to live on.
I don't even think I have a family anymore. No one in my family is my age or near it, and we are all so far from each other. I'm the black sheep of the family especially in my immediate family. My mother and I used to be close and now we aren't but I don't want to lose her forever. We have opposing views on nearly everything and we can never seem to compromise. She doesn't approve or understand how I am being depressed, possibly bipolar, bisexual, or gender-unsure. I myself have very unpopular opinions and ways that would distance me from every group, even groups similar to my likes. I never can fit in and I'm always sad and shy. Meeting new people can make me want to run away, and new situations make me want to sleep and never wake up. I'm writing this in tears because I feel so lonely and wish I had a friend to talk to and lean on (literally), someone to hold me, love me, but that is impossible. Even when I get in college late August I'll be too busy and no one would want me. I'm small, not really athletic, sensitive, shy, fragile, and hypocritical sometimes. Plus I have two personalities sometimes. I hate myself. I really do.
I only feel worse each day and I hope I can hide my emotions in college. I don't want anyone to know too much about me, I don't want to fall in love, I'm too young at 19 and don't know what love is so I'll be hurt. I don't want to have opinions because then I'll never get along with anyone. I won't tell anyone what I believe in or what my thoughts are on everything else and LGBT stuff because I know I'll be hated and ostracised for it. I feel so empty, alone, worthless, and ashamed. When I'm not crying I'm in a daze, when I'm not day dreaming nothingness I'm afraid. I hate life and stuff. Maybe I'm lazy or too scared. I don't think I can do this much longer. My future is nill and I will probably fail out of college. I wasn't the best student. I just don't know anymore. Nothing gets better. I don't feel like a good person, I feel terrible. I wish I could end it, all I feel is pain. No one would ever want me. I should be focused on school and sleep but I can't. Even my exercising gets off schedule from this. Loneliness and depresssion are like my life now. I don't what it's like to have two loving parents, I have one but we're drifting. I don't know how it is to feel good about yourself. I don't know how it feels to have someone. I don't know how to take optimism or encouragement because it only makes me feel worse. I'm tired of the "it'll get better" it doesn't. Life only gets harder and more lonesome. One day I'll die, and then I might actually feel free. I feel so crazy and inadequate. I feel so alone. I need someone to hold me. I'm sorry, I can't stop crying. It only gets worse. I can't hid it forever. And I'm too scared to live on.