elaina9189
July 31st, 2014, 11:43 AM
I haven't been on this forum since middle school. The people on this site really helped when I was giving up and I really need some support. I was clean for 467 days. No drugs or self-harm. I started to smoke again to deal with the stress and anxiety of highschool and life in general. Every time that I hit a rough point I always go back to the two ways that I know how to cope with situations- drugs, self-harm. I grew up in a rough situation. I can honestly say I hate my mother for the way she raised me and what she did to me and let be done to me as a child. I found out today that she has cancer. I lost my aunt (my second mom) when I was 4 to cancer. I can't explain what I'm going through. I hate the bitch but I know one day I will regret everything when she isn't here anymore.
Friday, tomorrow, is my brother's birthday- he died 11 years ago. He was my dad growing up. Last thing I said to him before he left on deployment that November was "I hate you". He came home in an American flag covered casket three months later. My family acts like he never existed (burnt all photographs of him, denies his name, and doesn't even visit his grave).
I have been medically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was on Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant, since I was 12. Once I turned 13 and started to have flashbacks and frequent panic attacks at school and home I was put on a steady dose of Xanex, an anxiety prescription. For anyone who has been on or knows about Xanex, it is highly addictive and not for anyone under 18. It also isn't for long term use. I took a steady dose of Xanex for 2 years until my mother decided I didn't have anxiety and that she would use them instead.
I am struggling between managing my weight and not trying to stress over it. I have been in rehab before for Marijuana abuse (they later found out that I was doing more than smoking weed) and anorexia. The anorexia torn me to pieces and made me rebuild my world. I was/am a model in Texas. Anorexia is a horrible disease (yes, disease) that makes you believe you aren't skinny enough or in my case I believed that not eating and passing out was an adrenaline rush.
I am crying while writing all this because this will be the first time all of this is in one post much less for it to be read by others. I have recently self-harmed, smoked, and even began to have anorexic thoughts. It hurts to know I am hurting everyone around me. It also hurts because of everything I've been through I can't trust people. I feel like every time I start doing right I always slip up.
I am working towards admissions to West Point (USMA). This has been my dream since I saw my brother risk his life for this country. (Please do not tell me about my drug use in relations to joining a military academy, I think I know there is a problem.) I have been busting my ass to get into shape. My times never seem good enough. My family doesn't see the point and tells me to just go to college. That's not my dream or the way I want to live my life.
I am not looking for sympathy, I'm 16 and been through plenty of shit. I just needed to rant and get all this off my chest to people who have been in similar situations.
Friday, tomorrow, is my brother's birthday- he died 11 years ago. He was my dad growing up. Last thing I said to him before he left on deployment that November was "I hate you". He came home in an American flag covered casket three months later. My family acts like he never existed (burnt all photographs of him, denies his name, and doesn't even visit his grave).
I have been medically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was on Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant, since I was 12. Once I turned 13 and started to have flashbacks and frequent panic attacks at school and home I was put on a steady dose of Xanex, an anxiety prescription. For anyone who has been on or knows about Xanex, it is highly addictive and not for anyone under 18. It also isn't for long term use. I took a steady dose of Xanex for 2 years until my mother decided I didn't have anxiety and that she would use them instead.
I am struggling between managing my weight and not trying to stress over it. I have been in rehab before for Marijuana abuse (they later found out that I was doing more than smoking weed) and anorexia. The anorexia torn me to pieces and made me rebuild my world. I was/am a model in Texas. Anorexia is a horrible disease (yes, disease) that makes you believe you aren't skinny enough or in my case I believed that not eating and passing out was an adrenaline rush.
I am crying while writing all this because this will be the first time all of this is in one post much less for it to be read by others. I have recently self-harmed, smoked, and even began to have anorexic thoughts. It hurts to know I am hurting everyone around me. It also hurts because of everything I've been through I can't trust people. I feel like every time I start doing right I always slip up.
I am working towards admissions to West Point (USMA). This has been my dream since I saw my brother risk his life for this country. (Please do not tell me about my drug use in relations to joining a military academy, I think I know there is a problem.) I have been busting my ass to get into shape. My times never seem good enough. My family doesn't see the point and tells me to just go to college. That's not my dream or the way I want to live my life.
I am not looking for sympathy, I'm 16 and been through plenty of shit. I just needed to rant and get all this off my chest to people who have been in similar situations.