Princess Ariel
July 27th, 2014, 10:40 PM
It's been a hell of a long time since I started a thread in here, and yet I find myself always back here.
I can't shake the feeling like something bad is only going to continue to happen. A few days ago, I was sexually assaulted and my girlfriend at the time spun it all around and turned it on her. Saying that MY sexual assault was effecting her DIRECTLY. She was belittling me,making me feel unloved & that I let it happen. She was demanding proof that it actually happened, because she said (and I quote) that I am a "two faced liar" and "a sociopath". Not to mention the fact she told her mother, before consulting me. She figured it was fine to tell whomever she pleased, because I posted it online. Before I was sexually assaulted, she wasn't having the best of days and she chose to take comfort in her dog, instead of coming to me - to which she gets pissed with me when I'd rather rant online, than to her.
Now that brings me to today, two days after it happened. and we agreed to have a new start, but she made it literal and started the "Hey I'm ____, nice to meet you" and it went on for 15 minutes or so, but it felt wrong. I told her it felt wrong, and she got all pissed off that it wasn't about her. More often than not it's either her way or no way. We broke up a little while ago, (3 months to the date of us getting back together -- god forbid she remember) and yet, I find myself in emotional and mental distraught. She treated me like shit, made it all about her. She'd get pissed if I shut up and didn't say what I was thinking, and then get pissed if I did/said everything. There was no fucking winning. I felt like shit the entire way through and yet I find myself lying in bed, feeling the same way anybody would after a relationship. But why me? I had feelings for her, but they quickly vanished last night after the demanding of the picture of my back, with the knife scars. I was going to start anew, and work on "opening up" for her. She's extremely emotionally abusive & toxic, but in her eyes, the fact that she is toxic is my problem and I need to fix it, rather than her change the slightest thing.
My mental health is just deteriorating in general. I don't know why, but the past 2 weeks have been shit and I've been going through it alone, because I don't know who to go to anymore. Maybe it's the fact that I'm choosing my timetable for college next week, or maybe it's the travel i'm dreading, now that the date gets closer and closer. Or maybe that it's the fact that I have to live in a toxic house for the next few years. Everywhere I walk in this goddamn house triggers me, I'm not even safe in my own goddamn house. Everything that could go wrong, has. I couldn't care less about the relationship, but everything else is tearing at the seams and soon.. I'm going to be left with nothing. I did nothing bad, I'm a kind-hearted person, self-sacrificial person by nature. I don't know what I did to deserve this, because I didn't do anything bad.
I was picking my skin earlier tonight, which technically counts. and no, not because of her, i'm not flattering her & I could feel this relapse coming on for a while now.. but I do have blades, sharp & new ones. Within arms reach nonetheless, and the urges are strong and the voices in my head are louder than my own thoughts. I feel like I am being held hostage by my own mind.. Things that used to make me happy are hardly getting a smirk, I have no comfort in anything. I used to take comfort in food, but the thought of eating is terrifying me. I've come such a long way, believe it or not, from the past two years. I'm scared that I'm going to start to head back into that abyss, I just so nicely came out of this year. I mean, 269 days, without a lot of difficulty, when I could hardly make it to day 4 was a miracle, and still is. I'm going into college now, and then I have business opportunities waiting for me, which I will get regardless, as its reserved for when I am done schooling.
I just don't know what to do. and I'm scared. I'm not suicidal or anything - at least not yet *fingers crossed*- i'm just scared... The flashbacks of everything are extremely vivid and after today, it's going to be a long time before I could even begin to a) forgive her and the amount of pain she dragged me into, both hers and mine. and b) learn how to trust people again..
I really and truly can't shake the feeling like something bad is always going to be happening to me.
I can't shake the feeling like something bad is only going to continue to happen. A few days ago, I was sexually assaulted and my girlfriend at the time spun it all around and turned it on her. Saying that MY sexual assault was effecting her DIRECTLY. She was belittling me,making me feel unloved & that I let it happen. She was demanding proof that it actually happened, because she said (and I quote) that I am a "two faced liar" and "a sociopath". Not to mention the fact she told her mother, before consulting me. She figured it was fine to tell whomever she pleased, because I posted it online. Before I was sexually assaulted, she wasn't having the best of days and she chose to take comfort in her dog, instead of coming to me - to which she gets pissed with me when I'd rather rant online, than to her.
Now that brings me to today, two days after it happened. and we agreed to have a new start, but she made it literal and started the "Hey I'm ____, nice to meet you" and it went on for 15 minutes or so, but it felt wrong. I told her it felt wrong, and she got all pissed off that it wasn't about her. More often than not it's either her way or no way. We broke up a little while ago, (3 months to the date of us getting back together -- god forbid she remember) and yet, I find myself in emotional and mental distraught. She treated me like shit, made it all about her. She'd get pissed if I shut up and didn't say what I was thinking, and then get pissed if I did/said everything. There was no fucking winning. I felt like shit the entire way through and yet I find myself lying in bed, feeling the same way anybody would after a relationship. But why me? I had feelings for her, but they quickly vanished last night after the demanding of the picture of my back, with the knife scars. I was going to start anew, and work on "opening up" for her. She's extremely emotionally abusive & toxic, but in her eyes, the fact that she is toxic is my problem and I need to fix it, rather than her change the slightest thing.
My mental health is just deteriorating in general. I don't know why, but the past 2 weeks have been shit and I've been going through it alone, because I don't know who to go to anymore. Maybe it's the fact that I'm choosing my timetable for college next week, or maybe it's the travel i'm dreading, now that the date gets closer and closer. Or maybe that it's the fact that I have to live in a toxic house for the next few years. Everywhere I walk in this goddamn house triggers me, I'm not even safe in my own goddamn house. Everything that could go wrong, has. I couldn't care less about the relationship, but everything else is tearing at the seams and soon.. I'm going to be left with nothing. I did nothing bad, I'm a kind-hearted person, self-sacrificial person by nature. I don't know what I did to deserve this, because I didn't do anything bad.
I was picking my skin earlier tonight, which technically counts. and no, not because of her, i'm not flattering her & I could feel this relapse coming on for a while now.. but I do have blades, sharp & new ones. Within arms reach nonetheless, and the urges are strong and the voices in my head are louder than my own thoughts. I feel like I am being held hostage by my own mind.. Things that used to make me happy are hardly getting a smirk, I have no comfort in anything. I used to take comfort in food, but the thought of eating is terrifying me. I've come such a long way, believe it or not, from the past two years. I'm scared that I'm going to start to head back into that abyss, I just so nicely came out of this year. I mean, 269 days, without a lot of difficulty, when I could hardly make it to day 4 was a miracle, and still is. I'm going into college now, and then I have business opportunities waiting for me, which I will get regardless, as its reserved for when I am done schooling.
I just don't know what to do. and I'm scared. I'm not suicidal or anything - at least not yet *fingers crossed*- i'm just scared... The flashbacks of everything are extremely vivid and after today, it's going to be a long time before I could even begin to a) forgive her and the amount of pain she dragged me into, both hers and mine. and b) learn how to trust people again..
I really and truly can't shake the feeling like something bad is always going to be happening to me.